oh ng - i feel the loneliest sometimes when s is here and actually i struggle much much more with h's absence when it's my week with s.
that's when his absence is felt the most.
so having or not having kids - i don't think it matters - because it's fro each of us - as you say - that existential loneliness.
i actually was thinking about that exact thing when i was writing the post - that i wonder if it's more about that than to have anything to do with us feeling alone because our spouses left. i think the loneliness we are feeling has always been there and we just used other things to avoid really feeling it. now when most of us are really facing ourselves for the first time ever- we have to face that too and so we associate it with the sitch, but there's a good chance they are separate.
so you are right in your approach to it -
i think we are experiencing the existential aloneness that is our own individual path regardless of who is in our lives..
and i simply love how you described what we are doing (talk about being eloquent!!)
to SEE the picnic in front of us and imagine the people, the love, the food, the laughs ahead of us instead of thinking we will be scavenging for love, for nourishment, for support...
and oh, i am so not leading the way - i see us all as being on the frontline together, in a long row shoulder to shoulder... and when one of us lags behind - we pull them back into position
((((((( ))))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
all the people around us have been seeing it for months, but i couldn't until now. maybe we have to build a certain level of self-confidence before we can begin to see it?
i love the good luck part - audacious!!!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
oh and i had a thought today that just sort of blew my mind. it was while i was "thinking about wanting h back" and suddenly it hit me "zig - you think that you will be much happier if h comes back, but have you noticed that while he's away, you have had the happiest moments in your ENTIRE life, even from all the yrs before you met him?" zig
SOooooo TRUE!!! I finally know what it feels like to enjoy the moment! To appreciate the little things! To laugh out loud without covering my mouth! It's like a high and to think we could have had this high all along. Thank God we still have time to enjoy life!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
i know - i often think the same thing - i still have lots of time.
isn't it sad how much we held ourselves back? i struggle with that sometimes, then i tell myself - even thinking like that is holding myself back in the moment, and it's better to let that go and just appreciate where I am right now
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I woke up this morning feeling peaceful and realized wow, in this moment I'm really ok.
Not sure why, but brit posted something that is sticking out for me right now. That she wants to be in someones life because they want her, not because she forced herself in. thinking about that really allows me to leave h alone. Its not going dark, its to allow hook the space and opportunity to reach out to me, should he decide he wants to.
I have noticed a growing mental gap between me and some of my friends. This sitch has allowed me to grow in ways that they haven't, including h. I find they would act in certain ways that I have grown out of. It almost makes it ok when I don't hear from them. It brings me comfort to interact with people here that get the new me, and makes me want to connect with others on the same page.
Going back to the space that anger once took and what to fill it with ~ I think it's inner peace, love for ourselves and true contentment with our lives. I think if e can stay in that place long enough, people will come into our lives that resonate the same feelings and then that space will naturally fill in.
I don't think our h understand what they gave us. The worst thing they could have done to us is, in a way, the best thing they could have done for us.
Me-31 H-24 D3,D2 M 4 yrs WAW(me) 12/2011 role reversal 03/2012 (H)PA 3-6/2012 (H)D filed 6/2012 D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012 I've moved on 9/2012
"Not sure why, but brit posted something that is sticking out for me right now. That she wants to be in someones life because they want her, not because she forced herself in. thinking about that really allows me to leave h alone. Its not going dark, its to allow hook the space and opportunity to reach out to me, should he decide he wants to"
that's how i'm beginning to feel too. which makes it difficult to do the flirt/attraction thing. maybe it's also because we are starting to grow more and more confident, and we don't see this as our only choice. we would like it to be that, but we are opening up the space - not just for them, but for ourselves too...
it's funny how so many of us are arriving at the same thing with friends. a few weeks ago i started to feel really restless with my friends- as if they weren't quite what i needed - i wasn't resonating with them the same way as i used to. that's when i realized that my energy has changed so much - what brought us together was the energy of the old me, and now, i want other stuff
i'm practicing allowing in that area too - where i know that eventually i will meet people who i will connect with at the level i'm at - and like you - starting here where we are on the same wavelength so to speak:)
I don't think our h understand what they gave us. The worst thing they could have done to us is, in a way, the best thing they could have done for us.
aah stronger... X 20!!!
hope you have a wonderful day, sweet girl!!
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
yesterday the universe gave me a chance to see what happens when i just chill and trust!!
i was doing well when i woke up, but then suddenly mid-morning, i found myself getting really worked up about sil and her gf and kid coming. i had placated myself thinking that s would be with me that week, and so i could have some "control" over the situation, but then i realized that he was with h during those days if we stuck t our schedule and there was no reason not to stick to it.
so what i had thought i had resolved surged up again and after talking to my friend, or rather sobbing it - i came to what was really at the bottom of this. i can't control what h does in terms of ow in s's life, and instead i am trying to transfer that onto the sitch with sil, because there i know i can be "brave enough" to stand my ground.
so admitting that openly to myself and friend, made it more clear that once again i need to really let go and be at peace with not having any say in this matter.
i am so lucky that i have this friend - she helps me so much to see the truth of things, but in the most gentle way possible - never makes me feel bad about how i feel, but instead allows me to come to the awareness and changes on my own with gentle prodding.
often when things feel really difficult i found myself having the most impeding thoughts - like wow i must have really f'ed up somewhere down the line to be handed this on my plate.
now - i am changing that way of thinking to saying: wow, i must have really done something good back there to deserve having all this wonderful support and love and friendship around me:)
so right after that, while i was still not quite back in a good state, h called and wanted to stop by. his new thing - gives me the impression he's coming later in the day - but then calls hours earlier and says he needs to come right then, and would it be okay?
so i'm learning to take that as an opportunity to learn to be more flexible - and really to find out that i am detached enough that i don't need to mentally "prepare" for the interactions as i used to. my first thought was, why right now, i need time to "recover", but then realized that i was okay and his presence here didn't affect me one way or the other
i went to check my email and there was a message from the woman who's offered me a job and she was asking if she could stop by for us to meet. and i thought - there we go - the universe just told me what it is i need to really focus on here - and right when i am feeling down and despondent, here's a little gift for me to remind me that i am surely going to be okay
it went well - he and s were here for almost an hour - messing around - i did a really unexpected 180 which i didn't know i was ready for.
when h comes over and stays for more than a few minutes - he always goes and gets one of my cigarettes and goes out on the back deck. i always follow him out there!
yesterday when they arrived, i was just about to go out for a smoke and then decided to wait, so by the time h went out i was dying for one. but instead i just stayed inside with s. i know he really noticed - that's the first time i ever did that!! also the night before - at in-laws when he came from the airport - i never went out to smoke - would usually have gone at least 2 or 3 times during that span of time!!
so i realized that - when i'm uncomfortable in a situation, i leave it constantly to go have a cigarette, sort of to get away from it. and now, i am finding that i can just BE in the situation and handle the discomfort and i don't need to escape. this was an issue for us during our r. we would be in the middle of a heated discussion, and h would be stonewalling so much, that i would just get crazy and just walk out to smoke. he often asked me to please stay and i just refused. i did stop doing that completely after BD as one of my 180's, but this feels different -it's much deeper - that i am really feeling comfortable staying where i am
wow - did i just say that - i feel comfortable staying?
woohoo - Pema finally got through to me
so like i posted on my bootcamp thread - i think i have a job - and i am really pleased about that- it's been a long time since i could see the possibility of that and it is huge for me right now.
so each thing falls into place in it's own time - when we are ready for it, maybe....
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I've recently sold a small (tiny!) food manufacturing business and spent a decade selling at the local farmers market, wholesale to stores, and even to distributors. I'll give you my opinion on growing a small business. Take what you like and leave the rest.
As you're building up your own business, I suggest focusing on developing outlets that minimize the time you spend doing sales. If you like doing sales, then a local market can be good advertising and provide customer feedback. But, mostly those kinds of things eat up time that you could use to be producing. Price your stuff so that you can do wholesale and focus on that. It's really more profitable for the time spent. Also, look at online sites like etsy if you aren't already set up for online sales.
Back to the topic at hand. I've been following along on your bootcamp thread, too. Someone else may have already said this by the time I finish typing, but just in case... You mentioned waiting to see where H is at before setting your current goals about the R. That leaves you staring at him and waiting on him. Close your eyes and get the focus back to you.
Thanks for posting all that you do. I'm learning and being inspired as I follow along.
