First let me thank all of you who have been thinking about me and checking up on me! I so appreciated it! Second let me apologize for being a “lurker” for the past several weeks. Please know that I have been reading the many amazing things that have been happening. So many lessons to learn and I think that is really what I needed. Time to reflect on my sit, while learning from the challenges and successes of others. I do feel bad that I was unable to lend support during many of your times of need. Also let me apologize for being selfish, as that is what is prompting me back out of “lurkerville”. I am now in need of your support and advice. I do hope that those of you who are in a place to give to others will offer up some support and advice and I’m certain a couple 2x4’s are needed.
Let me give a brief update to catch everyone up with where we are in sit.
Right after Thanksgiving he was offered a new job within his company. That would be great except it is in Seattle, we live in CA. He called to ask me to get together to ask my option of whether to accept the job or not. We took an overnight trip and had a good time. After that we were seeing each other about once a week and he was contacting me more. One morning I let the doubts creep in and started asking questions such as “is there anyone in your life?” Found out that there is no one who he is physical with but that they are friends. This is the OW, now just a friend and it was a mutual decision to change the R. He is not happy discussing. Flat out told me that he finds me more attractive when I am not discussing these things, just being myself. He said I could have ML to him 2 times by now instead of talking about that crap. Lesson there to be learned.
We are together a couple more times before the Christmas holiday. We have a GREAT time each time. He took me shopping one night to buy me a winter coat for my Christmas present. The was totally uninhibited and it felt like we gave ourselves to each other in a way we never had before. The connection was unbelievable.
He was preparing to leave for Seattle and had a lot of issues to deal with, packing, movers, new job, meeting the staff, wrapping up his responsibilities here etc. One night he got up at 3:00 am and couldn’t sleep. I knew there was no more snuggling and he had other things on his mind, so I happily gathered my things and left. As I was leaving he in a really fun voice said, “ya know, I think I like you”. I smiled and told him that I liked him too!
All seems to be progressing along well. I think I’m keeping my expectation to zero.
Then comes Christmas. I told him that we were going to open presents on Christmas eve as oldest son would go to his GF family on Christmas Day. At first he told me that he didn’t think he would be able to make it back until CD. Then on CE he calls and asks if I can pick him up at the airport that night. GREAT! Sure I can pick you up. Then someone needs to take him back to his house. OK Can do that too. After we hang up, I start wondering… how did you get to the airport? Why didn’t you drive yourself? When he gets in the car I ask Isn’t your car at the airport? He just says that if it was would he have needed me to pick him up? No mention of how he got there. Makes me wonder what he has to hide? We open presents and it is nice. Seems almost like a real family. I take him home and I am just very quiet. He asks why. Well gee H, its CE and I am taking you to your house instead of being together. I was very emotional. I talked R. What I wanted, what I was feeling. He did not share his feelings. I know it was not a good time. That was the last time I saw him before he left permanently for Seattle. Not a good last memory.
I talked to his sister on CD and she said that when H was visiting at TG, H had asked her what she thought of me and H. SIL said that he is a fool not to snatch me up. That she loved me and always would. She thought I was his best friend and have always supported him and been there from him. Right after that he started contacting me more.
Me, both sons and oldest sons GF were leaving the day after Christmas to visit my parents in another state. They live in the middle of nowhere so I did not have cell phone reception there. We played message tag a few time over the next week.
The first time I spoke to him was on Monday of this week. He was upset. Said I made promises that I haven’t kept. That for years my mother influenced our kids and I never stood up for H. That I have told the kids information about our relationship that do not present him in a positive light and now have done nothing to repair that damage.
I explained the status of the things that he felt I was not keeping up with. And there were things that I needed to get back to him on and sent him an email with that information.
Yesterday I get an email saying to send him email to his work account as he is shutting down his hotmail account. Why would he do that?
Last night I went to dinner with a GF. On my way home I called him just to say hi and told him that I went to dinner, got VM. My GF asks real hard questions and I told him some of our conversations. A little bit later he called back H: who did you go to dinner with W: my friend K__ H: do I know her? W: I don’t think so H: Is she married? W: no, she is dating my ex boss H: your next in line there W: no H: you had a thing for him W: no H: he likes you W: no H: your pretty defensive about it. H: why would you be defensive? H: makes you seem guilty
More like this. I do get defensive when he asks like this. I feel like I’m already guilty and no matter what or how I say it he won’t believe me. At one point he flat out accused me of lying.
I think IMHO, this is our biggest stumbling block. He desperately wants me to admit to doing something with someone. Here is where I would really appreciate EVERYONES opinion on.
He has had one nightstand during our M and has dated an OW during our Separation.
How do I handle this? How do I create an environment of trust? How do I let him know he doesn’t need to feel guilty? How do I let him know that I have been faithful and have him believe me?
I have thought about sending a letter. But I think we really need to TALK about it. Is having a TALK a good thing? We need to resolve this issue.
I really need some input here folks. Thank you in advance! I feel like we were making progress, then BAM backwards we go.
