wow, zig, you have such a knack for putting into words (and eloquent ones) the things i am feeling
i thought that i might be alone in this feeling as most of the posters here have children...
but i am wrong and i think we are experiencing the existential aloneness that is our own individual path regardless of who is in our lives...that we fight not to feel by grasping, addicting, avoiding, keeping so busy that it can not catch us....
we have stopped to feel, to grow, to stay still and it has caught up with us
and, zig, i believe that you have found the way to deal with it, without scurrying to divert our view...to CHANGE the way we think about and picture it.. to realize that we have raced ahead bc we CHOOSE to see our path as adventurous and promising instead of scary, to see the foliage as beautiful and inviting instead of foreboding and overwhelming... to SEE the picnic in front of us and imagine the people, the love, the food, the laughs ahead of us instead of thinking we will be scavenging for love, for nourishment, for support...
thank you zig for leading the way.. ((((( )))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Yikes guys - I had to go INTO the castle this evening, and guess what? I came out UNSCATHED!! not even one little scratch!!
I hope you guys are all gathered around because i am seriously toasting to this one.
s decided that he wanted to spend the day and evening there at in-laws, swimming and watching the olympics. something's wrong with out tv antenna and we can't get nbc ! in-laws were out for the evening, so i had to go over and hang out - until h got back from the airport!! (he was supposed to take s tomorrow but s wanted to be there tonight, he was dying to see h, i think)
s and i swam - and i broke the adult record (yes a tad bit of olympic fever here) for being the first adult to stand on a raft in the pool.(never tried it before!!) i seriously impressed s!! and this is me who couldn't swim a year and a half ago because my right arm couldn't move
boy was i psyched!! and then we both stood on the raft together!! double record!!
then we ate and lay on the couch watching the olympics. h walked in and i even landed up giving him dinner!! i teased him a bit and was totally relaxed. he was definitely very tense when he came in, but relaxed a bit later and all three of us sat on the couch together (not touching of course) and watched.
s told him that my tv wasn't functioning properly . he said - man you better get that fixed or you won't be able to watch the olympics!! i just didn't respond and later when i was getting ready to go - he says, s and i will come over and fix the antenna- gave him a beatific smile and said that would be so lovely.
on the way out the door - he follows me to tell me to be careful not to back into his truck.
wrf?
i turned around and gave him a bit of a look - slightly incredulous - and he says -was that the wrong thing to say? i just laughed and said thanks for the reminder.
frankly, all i could think was - this man can't find things to keep a negative image of me in his mind's eye - so he's grabbing for straws.
granted - about 5 yrs ago, when i was having a really bad day with the spasms and couldn't turn my neck and it was snowing, i did back into a car in that driveway and bung up their bumper!!
but [censored] - apart from that - i've never had a ticket or any kind of accident that i caused ever!! not to mention that h's truck that is only 3 yrs old has 3 serious huge dents in it that he caused himself!!
so i got in, and drove off! laughing and shaking my head!! i turned the radio on and there was the BEST upbeat blues i have heard in a long time - i turned it up so loud and i was so bloody happy it was ridiculous!! i was so glad to get out of there - i didn't even want to be there particularly - not in the negative way of oh he's just come back from seeing ow, how can i want to be near him sort of way.
it was more - i can be there or not be there and i'm great!!
well not that great- i bunged up my neck a bit in the pool - falling backwards and slapping my head on the water hard, so have a thumping head and sore neck - wasn't going to tell him that!!!
so off to get some peaceful z's and dream with a smile on my face. i think i will have the most peaceful night i've had yet.
oh and i had a thought today that just sort of blew my mind. it was while i was "thinking about wanting h back" and suddenly it hit me "zig - you think that you will be much happier if h comes back, but have you noticed that while he's away, you have had the happiest moments in your ENTIRE life, even from all the yrs before you met him?"
and i just stood there smiling and relishing what i had just become aware of - that because of all my inner work and growth and opening my heart to the world, i am ALREADY much much happier than i ever was. so my new goal is to just accept that for now and be fine with it.
hugs to everyone and i know i have several posts to respond to - will do so with my cup of tea in the morning
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
It's when we find our own path that we are able to move forward and I think many of us will find that our H has stayed in the same spot or even regressed. (MLC finding themselves stuff)
We can look back with a smile and say Good Luck!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
got my girls up early and took them on an early morning walk to watch the sun rise. Then we got breakfast and ran some errands before going to the splash pad. I'm grasping reality, no longer crying about it but still shocked this is my new life.
I was watching the families at the splash pad today wondering what they have that we didn't. Watching the husbands interact with their kids/wife kinda upset me! Selfish I know, I should have been happy for them but was envious.
I'm hoping this is all part of the process.
Me-31 H-24 D3,D2 M 4 yrs WAW(me) 12/2011 role reversal 03/2012 (H)PA 3-6/2012 (H)D filed 6/2012 D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012 I've moved on 9/2012
You are so right! I recently became aware of this myself. A big part of me is mentally looking back trying to coach him forward...I guess we just are in different places on our path, or maybe I'm assuming we are still on the same path?
a few months ago I was a mess, and I have moved forward by leaps and bounds. It seems as if h has been regressing and not even had a whif of reality. Crazy how the sitchs seem to flip in that way.
Me-31 H-24 D3,D2 M 4 yrs WAW(me) 12/2011 role reversal 03/2012 (H)PA 3-6/2012 (H)D filed 6/2012 D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012 I've moved on 9/2012
Zig I'm so happy for you! I can feel you radiating your happiness
Me-31 H-24 D3,D2 M 4 yrs WAW(me) 12/2011 role reversal 03/2012 (H)PA 3-6/2012 (H)D filed 6/2012 D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012 I've moved on 9/2012
oh and i had a thought today that just sort of blew my mind. it was while i was "thinking about wanting h back" and suddenly it hit me "zig - you think that you will be much happier if h comes back, but have you noticed that while he's away, you have had the happiest moments in your ENTIRE life, even from all the yrs before you met him?"
and i just stood there smiling and relishing what i had just become aware of - that because of all my inner work and growth and opening my heart to the world, i am ALREADY much much happier than i ever was. so my new goal is to just accept that for now and be fine with it.
hi stronger yes i've had the same ith my s for almost a yr now - every other week, and it has been only recently that i have really felt this new kind of loneliness rise. maybe we are finally facing the brutal reality in a new way, and so also facing this really for the first time
I was too busy walking around my home pissed at H, over any crazy reson to realise I was all alone! Sounds like crazy talk, but anger kept me company.
so true. and now that the anger is gone - what will keep us company in the future - there's an empty space there that needs to be filled with something new - and that empty space feels like the loneliness. once we learn to fill it - with something positive, i think that feeling will fade away..
i love what you've filled your life with, and yes i agree it's a process.
i definitely had that same feeling that i was on hold - and now in starting to really let go, i find that new fears are coming up - that are really only about truly stepping into the unknown and feeling a slight discomfort in my new position
thanks for the reassurance and your wise words- they help me to see more clearly where i am at
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
We can talk about it with each other but who can share that deep down feeling?
actually, i think WE can, over here - because we are all in somewhat the same position. i have talked about it with a couple of people around me, who sympathize and cluck cluck, but the responses that are here on my thread these last couple of days- they are deep and thoughtful and really express what i am feeling, so i don't feel so weighted down by it any longer,
i hope it has the same effect on others here.
and it is terrifying in a way isn't it, until we work through it and understand where it's coming from, and then it's not so scary - it just is...
And I do know that H & I will never have the R of our dreams unless I find an inner sense of peace and balance whether I am alone or not.
this i have realized also - but h has to find it too, for himself
i think we are all well on the way to finding that - it is so much more possible for us (me) now than it ever was...
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
