Fighting between faith & reality

[RoofTop]

AJ - I don't know that I figured out anything faster than anyone else. I've been living in this for 2 years. You're right though, the anger is there and it's not going anywhere for a while, but I have a choice. The ease I have with my distance with my W and my anger has its roots. Embedded in a thought - As hard as I worked to help her and keep the marriage alive, she had to work just as hard to stay angry with me. I can see that very clearly. While she was still in our home I found it kind of fun to do things that I knew she liked or approved. I liked seeing which one of us was going to quit. It was a game of sorts for me, but it's what I had to do if I was going to maintain my sanity. It stopped my heart from hurting so I don't regret my actions. Game or no game, I made a lot of good changes in me.

Sleeper - That is something that's on the back of my mind now that you mention it. My W hasn't had the life she's wanted with our kids for a few years now. She blames me for that and I can't do much for her on that front so I ignore it. She made her decisions and still does. The kids are not unaware that she has yet to come watch them play their summer sports. S12 expects her to not show and is angry with her about it, but I wasn't aware in regards to S6. He complained to me a few weeks back that he didn't want to go because I never watch him, that I'm always reading my school books. I told him I'm never reading while his shift is on and he's playing, I only read when he's on the side. I told him I wouldn't bring my books in any more. Funny thing is, I never noticed how much he's watching me when he isn't playing. I'm using every opportunity to give give him a thumbs up so he knows I care. Lesson learned for me.

Again about the shoes thing. I think there's a lot of side plots to the control issues. I'm not talking to her at all and I know it grinds her nerves when we don't discuss these kinds of things. She still hasn't figured it out on a few things, like telling me where or what she's doing. I never asked these past few years of MLC and I don't now. I don't have the right to ask anymore now that she's left. Either way, I'm not including her in any plans for the kids in the near future unless I have too. I'm beginning to think she's going to get a rude awakening for S6's b-day and this coming Christmas. I have no intention of planning any co-op gifts. What I'm able to do for the kids, I will do. If I can't afford what they want, I'm not taking party to pooling our resources together like we had in the past. I'm sure I'll get brownie points from everyone on that (sarcasm), but last I checked that's what a lot of D parents do.

I just want to file the papers right now. It's the only umbilical chord I have left. Alas, I can't. I'm making things intentionally hard for her. This is what she wants so she has to do the leg work. I have my theories as to what she waiting on and having all these doctor visits seems to fit in there. We're both responsible for the debt until the D papers are dated. I honestly don't care. My career path has room for growth, hers never has. I'll be fine in a few years and I don't mind re-learning how to be resourceful. To be honest, it's the only reason I'm still driving the car I have. I don't know how much longer it's going to last me, but until I have the D papers signed, I don't want to build more debt than necessary and not having a car payment, aside from hers, is a relief right now.

I want her to do everything. I want her to bare the full burden of her choices. I know that if I start the paper work she will use me as the villain to her friends. But what I fear the most is that she will use it to tell the kids - "See. Your dad wanted a D, he filed the paper work. He hasn't been telling you the truth." She already thinks I'm brain washing the kids and I will not give her this fuel.

[sleeper]

Again about the shoes thing. I think there's a lot of side plots to the control issues. I'm not talking to her at all and I know it grinds her nerves when we don't discuss these kinds of things.

Some of them have some strange ideas, I'm not sure if it's a control thing or just hyper-cake eating. My X said to a mutual friend when she was questioned as to her expectations of me, "Why should the way we parent change just because we're divorced?"

I know that if I start the paper work she will use me as the villain to her friends. But what I fear the most is that she will use it to tell the kids - "See. Your dad wanted a D, he filed the paper work. He hasn't been telling you the truth."

Can you file for a financial separation without filing for a divorce? You can in my state. I know of one married couple who is and has been financially separated for years for purely financial reasons so it doesn't necessarily predicate a move towards divorce. That might end her cake eating and give her a wake up call as to life without you in the picture.

Mine also said to same mutual friend, "I need Sleeper for financial and child care reasons." I learned the hard way if you let them define the game and the rules you're gonna lose in the end.

[Arsene]

Hey Rooftop,

Reading your thread helped me realise that I'm not the only one going through this internal battle between my undying faith in my wife and the actual reality. It seems no matter what they do to us we find a way to justify/forgive it.
I guess in my case I keep telling myself that she is not the woman I married anymore. She's going through a transformation and every time I interfere, it's like pulling a caterpillar out of its cocoon. It just doesn't want to be this little crawly thing anymore and it'll go right back into another cocoon, no matter how often you take it out. I guess the answer is to be patient and wait for it to emerge on the other side, the beautiful butterfly it's meant to be.
The thing is though, butterflies don't really want to hang out with crawly things so it's up to us to make sure we take the time to put ourselves through this transformation as well, and hopefully the R can be saved. If it isn't? Just enjoy being a butterfly.

It seems like you've been at this for a while (sorry I haven't read all your threads) so I know you've put in your fair share of patience, as I have. Let's not allow these years to be wasted. Hopefully we are better people now than we were then and as you say. We are worth fighting for. But wouldn't you rather be fought for by a butterfly than by a worm?

I also feel anger towards my W these days but her actions aren't really hers right now. She's just acting on instinct mode, trying to do whatever needs to be done to get to the other side. Love forgives, with no conditions.

BTW have a look at my sitch. I could use some feedback these days:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266374#Post2266374

[AJM]

Shoes?!?? Really?? Who gives a flying f--- about that shoes? Besides the two of you, that is..

I'm making things intentionally hard for her. This is what she wants so she has to do the leg work.

I want her to do everything. I want her to bare the full burden of her choices. I know that if I start the paper work she will use me as the villain to her friends.

So... you do care. That's good to know and have in the open. I think part of what I see is that you two have been in a battle of wills for a very long time. Reminds me of reading the hatfields and mccoy stories. Keep fighting until one day nobody realizes who started it or why.

But back to the point.

You are angry.
Both of you are hurt.
You have been waging "war" for a very long time. Perhaps prior to her walking away? Perhaps long before then.
Her leaving is not going to set you free. In fact, her doing anything is not going to set you free at all.

You won't be free until you realize you are the one holding yourself prisoner. For as long as you continue to take part in this battle on an emotional level, you are not free.

As for parenting together or apart? Don't "punish" your ex via the kids. Please don't do that and don't ever consider doing that. You may not agree on things. It may be distasteful. It may seem to send the "wrong" message to the kids at times, but there is absolutely no reason to be independent parents of the kids. No matter how it seems to be affecting the kids or not, you know they always watch

Parent the kids together as best you can. Agree that you will not agree. Make the attempts. How many times? As many as it takes my friend. As many as it takes no matter what it takes.

When she can no longer hurt you, you can parent together more easily. But don't wait for that time - set aside your years of warfare when it comes to them.

Don't waste your time making things hard on her, RT. If you don't care, then let her go find somebody who does. If you care, let her find her own way. But either way, don't make it hard, nor make it easy. Just let her do what she is going to do and stay out of the way.

My advice anyway. Based on what I've done and seen, you'll thank me much later...

AJ

[WenikiTiki]

Hey RT!
I agree with AJ. I was initially also saying if my now STBXH wanted a D he had to do the paperwork. Well.... as things drug along, I was stuck here as his wife on paper, while he was out acting like a single guy. And we are in the same house, so I have no privacy unless I go into my bedroom. And still buying his bananas and cooking his dinner......

So I filed. And yes, I think my STBXH wanted to be able to tell people at work that I divorced him. I have arrived at "Whatever" and don't care anymore. He has no friends. He eats lunch alone everyday. He doesn't have a hobby. He doesn't engage with anything or anyone except the TV. And OW, who is now 3,000 miles away.

I am moving along with my life. And feeling better everyday.

Aloha,

Wendy

[RoofTop]

Much to think about.

As for the shoes, it's just an example. I have no hostility over it, but I do have my irritations about it. It feels like she's making everything sound like she's doing me a favor. I'm getting that vibe on a lot of things and I'm not interested. Doing me favors only makes me feel like I'm further victimizing her if I don't take the bait. It also makes me feel like if I do take the bait, I'm further feeding her thoughts that *I need her*.

I'm thinking strongly of calling the lawyer about a legal seperation. It's not a D, and I'm sure she'll love me for it, but at this point I think it's what I want. I don't need her and I don't like feeling obligated to her, but it goes against me making her do the work.

By making it hard on her, I mean that I'm not doing anything to force her hand. I want her to make the decisions so that there's nothing for me to share. Granted, I'm tossing about the thought that this just means she believes I don't think she's serious. Tough call. I will call the lawyer. I'm curious. If I'm still game for it by the time my refund check from school comes in and if she hasn't made a move, I'm probably going to file for legal seperation.

Ugh! I'm actually sad today, before I came here. I've not felt alone like this in a long long time. $uck$. I didn't see this coming since I've been alone already for a long time. W hasn't slept in the same room as me in over a year and it's not her that has me feeling alone. Hmmm. I guess we'll see what dreams will come from this tonight.

I do have good news though, the course I thought I was going to have to retake next semester got graded on a curve. Seems I got the *C* I needed after all so that class is forever in my past!

[greatwhitenorth]

Hi RT

I had a case of the alones today too. Comes from time to time, more often these days. Not sure why. It's not loneliness though. That's different from feeling alone. I think part of it for me comes not having juice put back in my batteries. I need social time but sadly don't get much. I watched Crazy Stupid Love today....sure does illustrate so many of the stories here. I can totally relate to the lead character. It's happy ending made me cry in a sad way. Such a wuss.

Congrats on getting that c!! I had to do a calculus class in the first year of my undergrad. Hadn't done math of any sort since high school almost a decade earlier, and it wasn't my strong point to begin with. Worked my butt off and got a 55. No grade point but I passed and I'm still more proud of that mark than any mark I got after it.

You must be relieved!

[AJM]

Hear hear! Congrats on the passing grade.

As for the alones? I have to say that comes and goes for a while. Limbo, crazy behavior, etc take their toll my friend. You can't expect it to not have an impact right?

While you may have wanted otherwise; while you may not like that somebody you once (or still do) love(d) is trying to paint you out to be the bad guy in her story; while you may not like the way things happened or happen - you are under a lot of pressure. Find a way to relieve that pressure. Your subconscious seems to be finding it's own way and you may need to adjust the conscious to do the same.

Just thinking out loud.

Take care.

AJ

[RoofTop]

Yes, the pressure. I relate a lot to what GWN said about the batteries running low. As self reliant/sufficient as I am, I still need social interaction and I don't get much beyond my kids and others during office hours.

I haven't spoken to the neighbors much in the past 3 years. My W and I were close to many of them, but for whatever reason that my W never understood, everyone stopped talking to her. It was the beginning of the noticable abandonment issues my W started to display on her way into the tunnel. Her sister noticed it too.

Either way, I still don't talk to the neighbors. I say hello when I see them about, but there's no extended invitations on either side of the fence. The damage was done while my W was in early MLC and I'm guilty by association even though I was at home with the kids that night.

I'm okay with that though. Many of them often acted like they were trying too hard to keep living their college years and I didn't relate to it much since I didn't see the joy in being up late at night getting hammered as often as they did that. I liked visiting with them and hanging out, but I found much of their humor inappropriate - for me. I never called my W names, ever and I couldn't believe the things they would call each other. I didn't always like how they talked when kids were around either.

The only one I didn't care for much was the loud one my W had a bout with. She was popping off about how *explicative* great her bj skills are and her D5 was right next to her. I'm not asking for anyone to agree with me, to each his own. I have my own inner freak, but I keep it leashed when there's kids about.

[RoofTop]

I'm so angry right now and I have to get this out while it's on my mind or I'll forget it. I just got home from being with the kids at their summer sporting event. My W decided to actually show up for the last half, but that besides the point. After the game, the area was very crowded and I happened to be on a conference call, which was nice because it meant that I didn't have to speak to my W at all after the game. That's another issue.....

Two things happened.

1 - I failed again. I saw her looking at me out of the corner of my eye and I was refusing to acknowledge her. I couldn't bring myself to look at her and the more I struggled with it the angrier I got that I couldn't bring myself to do it.

2 - I moved out of the area because my work was asking me questions and I needed it to be more quiet. I saw S12 and asked him to hurry and bring me S6's equipment bag because I had to go ( the kids were going home tonight with their mom anyways ). I looked up and saw him coming out of the locker room and the look on his face tore me apart. He was wearing a face of urgency. He was trying to keep his mom and I away from each other. I saw it. I know I'm doing this and I don't know how I can make it stop or when.

I want to yell at the top of my lungs but I'm stuck on a conference call still and I never trust the mute button! I'm FUDGING things up so bad!!!

I find out I have cancer right after my W tells me she's moving out. The one person I could trust to be there for me and express my level of fear has left me because she hates me. I don't want people feeling sorry for me and she's the only one that knows that, so I suffer by not telling anyone that I care about. I don't have all the answers, I don't know if it's terminal yet. I just know I can't tell tell anyone that knows my W and I can't tell my family because we just watched my aunt pass away from ovarian cancer back in April. I don't want to send people in a panic until I have the answers I need from testing I won't get for another 2 weeks.

This is why I don't care what my W does to me. She can't do anything worse than she already has. It's also why money means nothing to me, because life is more important and in the grand scheme of things, bitter disputes become nothing more than trivial nonsense.

I'm so angry, because for the first time in my life, I can't hide my pain and suffering. She knows me too well and I don't have enough respect for her to tell her, because I don't believe for a second that she would be there for me the way I need her to be. She's not the person I'd known for years. I can't look at her and reveal that there's anything wrong so instead I look like I'm P.O.'ed.

Dang pager's going off again! I have to go.