lilly, Keep reading...keep GAL....set some goals. It gets a little easier as each day goes by. I used to absolutely obsess over where she was, what was she doing, what was she thinking, when was she going to call me wanting to work it out.
And I would read her to consider my marriage dead and i'd say thats impossible, its not what i want, i won't admit that. But as time has gone by ive come to realize that b/c of what has happened any relationship she and I have in the future will have to be built from the ground up so in some essence my old marraige is dead. I never thought i'd type that, but 6 weeks later here I am and I know right now you can't see how you'll ever really detach, how you can stop thinking of them constantly.
Although its not easy, one day you'll simply wake up and feel differently about it, and thats will be the day you wake up and know that you'll be ok either way. It certainly doesn't mean you'll wake up and want your marriage to work out any less, but you will finally realize that you have forgiven yourself for your mistakes and your role in the demise of your marriage. That you have grown as a person and have a lot of great qualities to offer someone, and if that someone is your spouse that would be awesome, but if the next relationship in your life is not with your current spouse that will be their great loss.
Arsene, Thank you for that perspective. Indifference would be worse for sure.
I hope you are doing well despite your situation. I guess that is the point of what we are all doing here.
lillystillinlove M:43 H:49 T:17 M:16 S:6 Bomb: 1/27/12 EA+ with close married family friend / ILYBINILWY H moved out 7/27/12 H is Extremely angry, stressed and unable to forgive
Carnac, I am reading and GALing. I have some goals in here. I'm going to get All this things in one place and put them on my phone along with the 37 rules. Hopefully that will keep me on track. I'm trying but I lose myself in hope.
Thank you for the support.
lillystillinlove M:43 H:49 T:17 M:16 S:6 Bomb: 1/27/12 EA+ with close married family friend / ILYBINILWY H moved out 7/27/12 H is Extremely angry, stressed and unable to forgive
Painting Reconnecting / stay connected with friends / make new friends Get involved in S's school
Personal Goals:
Try Yoga Start Running again Lose 15 more lbs
Relationship Goals:
Repair our Marriage Detach now that he's move out Do not initiate contact unless it concerns Porter Be a friend, nice but to the point Don't be concerned with his feelings (don't be mean but...) I don't owe him any explanation for my activities No Excuses meaning no explications. reasoning doesn't work, no "but" statements Remember what he is going through He deserves time to figure out what he want, he's angry with good reason Allow touch initiated by him
Reading List:
DR re-read How to Repair Your Marriage Without Talking About It. 5 Love Languages Depression Fallout Divorce Busting
Can someone help me with this or provide feedback
Thanks
lillystillinlove M:43 H:49 T:17 M:16 S:6 Bomb: 1/27/12 EA+ with close married family friend / ILYBINILWY H moved out 7/27/12 H is Extremely angry, stressed and unable to forgive
Pissed off, really pissed off. H has been off getting his new place ready "for S". He hasn't laid eyes on S for for well over 36 hours. And it seems that, from his phone call just now, he has no clue what he intends to do when it comes to our S. He's been busy getting his place ready for S to come over. I felt obligated to ask it the "plan" to make this a slow transition using the ruse that he is remodeling the new place to now it's going to be fully set up and "ready" for him. Silence then H says I don't know. Tried to brainstorm the said he didn't know again. I said I don't know either. So WTF, what a jerk! If I have even thought to act the way he is right now, regardless of the situation, there would have been all out war. ALSO I thought this was for a little time and space to think and decompress. WTF!!!
I I think I handled it ok but F&*$ I'm pissed. I so want to lay into him. He's the one that wanted to keep this from S as much as possible. He won't even talk to S on the phone right now. JERK!!!
How do I proceed? Damn him, who the hell is he, what is he thinking. Our S is 6, he expected me to suck it up and deal, well MFr, SUCK IT UP! Our S is supposedly the most important thing in the world to him and he's willing to do this to him??? What reality am I living in?
HOW DO I DO NC WITH A CHILD? SOMEONE TELL ME PLEASE. I CAN"T DEAL WITH THIS CRAP. DO I STOP MC? AM I OBLIGATED TO PROVIDE INFO ABOUT S THAT ISN'T VITAL? DO I PROVIDE HIM THE OPPORTUNITY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IS HAPPENING IN S's LIFE?
I WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!!!!
lillystillinlove M:43 H:49 T:17 M:16 S:6 Bomb: 1/27/12 EA+ with close married family friend / ILYBINILWY H moved out 7/27/12 H is Extremely angry, stressed and unable to forgive
Forgot to breathe... now that I'm calmly pissed off, tell me if I have this going dark / NC thing correct. I just read through some of the posts on the going dark thread.
First, I can have this "dark" on a dimmer switch. Dark is to limit or cut off contact (what my comfort level allows) to allow the WAS time and space to figure things out and make some decisions. Respond to contact initiated by H with to the point, polite answers but don't always be available. Stay calm. Work on self, not to "show" H I've changed but for myself and our S. Depending on how things move the dimmer can be turned up, slowly. Be patient. Be the best mom I can be.
I have a couple of questions: Do I initiate contact to keep H informed of S's goings on? school / schedule / issues. Can this be seen as pursuit? Would keeping general S info to a polite business like email unless it is a significant issue (good or bad)?
I'll wait to see how things are going to work to figure out a dark techniques for when H is at our home to spend time w/S. This is going to be a tough one. I'm of the mind that he's the one that left so I will not avoid him in my home or make myself scarce. He will be a guest, in my mind, and I will treat him as such. Is this appropriated?
Yesterday was the 6 month mark of when I found out about the EA+.
lillystillinlove M:43 H:49 T:17 M:16 S:6 Bomb: 1/27/12 EA+ with close married family friend / ILYBINILWY H moved out 7/27/12 H is Extremely angry, stressed and unable to forgive
We are in the same spot - although 4 months since I found out about EA.
How do you feel about S and H being at your house on H's time? I mean I see you are pissed - but is it a issue for you?
My H is still coming over to the house to be with S(5). I've given up on asking H if he wants to take S to his place. Yes, it means that H is 'invading' even though he wants to be alone... So I did make it a point go out more when H is here, or I will go up to the bedroom... You have some GALS you are working on that you can do at home? Is there a private area you can do them in? I do try to go outside of the house on one of the weekend days...
For me, I think of it as an extended opportunity to 'interact' (ie not interact in my case) with H. Meaning, yes I acknowledge you are here, however I am doing my own thing now and conversation is minimal. (Actually I am on dark day #2 for my sanity right now).
Me& h + S M: 13 t: 14
H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my! I'm done. 12/12
"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Pissed off, really pissed off. H has been off getting his new place ready "for S". He hasn't laid eyes on S for for well over 36 hours. And it seems that, from his phone call just now, he has no clue what he intends to do when it comes to our S. He's been busy getting his place ready for S to come over.
Perhaps he has a clue, just not one he's sharing with you. And with the anger that comes out later, I'm could see why he's not sharing with you especially if this is more of the same from the past.
Quote:
I felt obligated to ask it the "plan" to make this a slow transition using the ruse that he is remodeling the new place to now it's going to be fully set up and "ready" for him.
Why did you feel obligated to ask? Is this an old dynamic playing out?
Quote:
Silence then H says I don't know. Tried to brainstorm the said he didn't know again. I said I don't know either.
Why did you try to brainstorm?
What would a 180 be here?
Quote:
So WTF, what a jerk! If I have even thought to act the way he is right now, regardless of the situation, there would have been all out war. ALSO I thought this was for a little time and space to think and decompress. WTF!!!
I I think I handled it ok but F&*$ I'm pissed. I so want to lay into him. He's the one that wanted to keep this from S as much as possible. He won't even talk to S on the phone right now. JERK!!!
It's OK to be angry just don't react from that anger.
But what are you really angry about? Really?
As far as handling it well, I'm sure your emotions came thru to him loud and clear. Those of us who want to control others use inflection and tone like a weapon.
No contact is also for you to protect yourself and get a handle on your emotions.
Quote:
How do I proceed?
With what?
Quote:
Damn him, who the hell is he, what is he thinking. Our S is 6, he expected me to suck it up and deal, well MFr, SUCK IT UP! Our S is supposedly the most important thing in the world to him and he's willing to do this to him???
What is he doing to him?
Has your H been a good father? Has your S always been safe around him in the past?
You have a lot of anger, really dig down deep and find out what that's about. Anger usually comes from fear and hurt, think about that.
Your H's relationship with S is not yours to make better or to make worse. They will figure it out on their own. It might not be the R you would want or need but that's not your worry.
They will figure it out.
Quote:
HOW DO I DO NC WITH A CHILD? SOMEONE TELL ME PLEASE. I CAN"T DEAL WITH THIS CRAP. DO I STOP MC? AM I OBLIGATED TO PROVIDE INFO ABOUT S THAT ISN'T VITAL? DO I PROVIDE HIM THE OPPORTUNITY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IS HAPPENING IN S's LIFE?
I WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!!!!
You're not obligated to do anything.
Some share info only in the case of an emergency and having to do with pick-ups and drop-offs. Sounds like that might be best for you right now. Text or email.
I think you're feeling really out of control of the situation and it's making you anxious. Think about that, really think about it. Is that driving your anger, your fear?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Pissed off, really pissed off. H has been off getting his new place ready "for S". He hasn't laid eyes on S for for well over 36 hours. And it seems that, from his phone call just now, he has no clue what he intends to do when it comes to our S. He's been busy getting his place ready for S to come over.
Perhaps he has a clue, just not one he's sharing with you. And with the anger that comes out later, I'm could see why he's not sharing with you especially if this is more of the same from the past.
He shared the plan, which I reluctantly agreed to and was feeling it was workable. As of yesterday evening the plan seems different. He's getting his place fully outfitted w/ arrangements for S when there. That doesn't jive with "remodeling". This anger is from the recent past, from the day I found out about EA+ and woke up. I was never like this before.
Quote:
I felt obligated to ask it the "plan" to make this a slow transition using the ruse that he is remodeling the new place to now it's going to be fully set up and "ready" for him.
Why did you feel obligated to ask? Is this an old dynamic playing out?
Obligated may have been a poor choice of words. I have been pretty much left in the dark about a lot of things. I asked because I was taken aback and wanted to know what was going on, so I asked. His action don't fall in line with what he's saying.
Quote:
Silence then H says I don't know. Tried to brainstorm the said he didn't know again. I said I don't know either.
Why did you try to brainstorm?
I listened to him grasp for ideas that might work, I didn't assist I remained silent.
What would a 180 be here?
Not helping is a 180 for me, I tended to, prior to all this help ease his mind from worry. He can figure this out. My fear is that while he's figuring it out our S will be hurt. I have a hard time standing by and letting S be is a situation that can cause him harm, fear or sadness. S is a sensitive soul. We have already had S to see a counselor because we were afraid S was acting out because of tension felt in the home. Seems that, so far we've been able to keep things under wraps but this is a game changer in my eyes
Quote:
So WTF, what a jerk! If I have even thought to act the way he is right now, regardless of the situation, there would have been all out war. ALSO I thought this was for a little time and space to think and decompress. WTF!!!
I I think I handled it ok but F&*$ I'm pissed. I so want to lay into him. He's the one that wanted to keep this from S as much as possible. He won't even talk to S on the phone right now. JERK!!!
It's OK to be angry just don't react from that anger.
But what are you really angry about? Really?
I'm pissed that he keeps changing the "rules" to fit his needs. He keeps pulling the rug out from under me. His way or no way no matter how many times his way changes.
As far as handling it well, I'm sure your emotions came thru to him loud and clear. Those of us who want to control others use inflection and tone like a weapon.
They probably did come through, but I tried to contain it, that progress. No yelling or cussing or getting vicious. And it seemed he ended the call with food for thought.
No contact is also for you to protect yourself and get a handle on your emotions.
I think I need to do this, I have a NC plan in a post that followed this original post, just want some feedback that I'm proceeding on the right track
Quote:
How do I proceed?
With what?
EVERYTHING! I'm so at a loss, I feel so off balance right now that the slights push in any direction sends me head first down that path.
Quote:
Damn him, who the hell is he, what is he thinking. Our S is 6, he expected me to suck it up and deal, well MFr, SUCK IT UP! Our S is supposedly the most important thing in the world to him and he's willing to do this to him???
What is he doing to him?
Hurting him. S gets so sad that daddy isn't here much. Specifically since Thursday evening, H hasn't seen or spoken to S, S keeps asking where he is and all I can say is that daddy said he was going to be really busy this weekend, in fact I was just told again by S "I miss daddy"
Has your H been a good father? Has your S always been safe around him in the past?
My only complaint (until all this crap) is that he is a little short tempered but he's made great strides to correct that.
You have a lot of anger, really dig down deep and find out what that's about. Anger usually comes from fear and hurt, think about that.
Of course I'm afraid and hurt. So many things. I am afraid of how this is going to effect S, that he is not really going to try and come home. I'm hurt by all the things he's done since I found out about the EA+, by the EA+, how that effected out S. I could go on but...
Your H's relationship with S is not yours to make better or to make worse. They will figure it out on their own. It might not be the R you would want or need but that's not your worry.
They will figure it out.
I think it is my concern since I will be the one dealing with the aftermath of fun time daddy. S really feels his absence and it getting hard to continue to gloss over the situation.
Quote:
HOW DO I DO NC WITH A CHILD? SOMEONE TELL ME PLEASE. I CAN"T DEAL WITH THIS CRAP. DO I STOP MC? AM I OBLIGATED TO PROVIDE INFO ABOUT S THAT ISN'T VITAL? DO I PROVIDE HIM THE OPPORTUNITY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IS HAPPENING IN S's LIFE?
I WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!!!!
You're not obligated to do anything.
H won't see it that way and would cause a greater rift
Some share info only in the case of an emergency and having to do with pick-ups and drop-offs. Sounds like that might be best for you right now. Text or email.
Please review the plan I've suggested for NC/going dark. Let me know if it sounds ok.
I think you're feeling really out of control of the situation and it's making you anxious. Think about that, really think about it. Is that driving your anger, your fear?
Control was never an issue for me, but in this situation a sense of direction would help, I thought I was doing better at not asking for information over the past week to 10days, but if he gives it shouldn't I be able to expect is accurate? I'm not asking or trying to control what he's doing, but if he says he's going to do something one way shouldn't happen that way. Hold himself to the same standard that he expect me to operate at?
Labug, thanks, I definitely could use the food for thought. My thinking get clouded when I get angry. I read through what I've written and I know it sound as though making excuses but I'm not. I am committed to working on detaching and no excuses. I try very hard not to explode and have been doing better. I hope the NC with help me get my feet under me.
lillystillinlove M:43 H:49 T:17 M:16 S:6 Bomb: 1/27/12 EA+ with close married family friend / ILYBINILWY H moved out 7/27/12 H is Extremely angry, stressed and unable to forgive
From your tag line, our spouses could be the same person....they even moved out on the same day!
I'm struggling too...it's tough. I think it will get better with time, but right now I'm hurt, angry, and frustrated. I can say for certain my W hasn't thought thru everything, and she certainly thinks she can cake eat like she's been doing while living here. Sounds like you're in the same boat. My plan is to limit contact as much as possible, keep it to texting/email when necessary, draw some boundaries and ensure she deals with her choice to leave without a safety net, and pretend she's dead the rest of the time. Time to move forward. If she comes around eventually, maybe I'll be open to it, maybe I won't. I'm going to try to stop worrying about the marriage and worry about my own sanity.
