Need help with detaching and hoping to reconcile.

[lillystillinlove]

Pissed off, really pissed off. H has been off getting his new place ready "for S". He hasn't laid eyes on S for for well over 36 hours. And it seems that, from his phone call just now, he has no clue what he intends to do when it comes to our S. He's been busy getting his place ready for S to come over.

Perhaps he has a clue, just not one he's sharing with you. And with the anger that comes out later, I'm could see why he's not sharing with you especially if this is more of the same from the past.

He shared the plan, which I reluctantly agreed to and was feeling it was workable. As of yesterday evening the plan seems different. He's getting his place fully outfitted w/ arrangements for S when there. That doesn't jive with "remodeling". This anger is from the recent past, from the day I found out about EA+ and woke up. I was never like this before.

I felt obligated to ask it the "plan" to make this a slow transition using the ruse that he is remodeling the new place to now it's going to be fully set up and "ready" for him.

Why did you feel obligated to ask? Is this an old dynamic playing out?

Obligated may have been a poor choice of words. I have been pretty much left in the dark about a lot of things. I asked because I was taken aback and wanted to know what was going on, so I asked. His action don't fall in line with what he's saying.

Silence then H says I don't know. Tried to brainstorm the said he didn't know again. I said I don't know either.

Why did you try to brainstorm?

I listened to him grasp for ideas that might work, I didn't assist I remained silent.

What would a 180 be here?

Not helping is a 180 for me, I tended to, prior to all this help ease his mind from worry. He can figure this out. My fear is that while he's figuring it out our S will be hurt. I have a hard time standing by and letting S be is a situation that can cause him harm, fear or sadness. S is a sensitive soul. We have already had S to see a counselor because we were afraid S was acting out because of tension felt in the home. Seems that, so far we've been able to keep things under wraps but this is a game changer in my eyes

So WTF, what a jerk! If I have even thought to act the way he is right now, regardless of the situation, there would have been all out war. ALSO I thought this was for a little time and space to think and decompress. WTF!!!

I I think I handled it ok but F&*$ I'm pissed. I so want to lay into him. He's the one that wanted to keep this from S as much as possible. He won't even talk to S on the phone right now. JERK!!!

It's OK to be angry just don't react from that anger.

But what are you really angry about? Really?

I'm pissed that he keeps changing the "rules" to fit his needs. He keeps pulling the rug out from under me. His way or no way no matter how many times his way changes.

As far as handling it well, I'm sure your emotions came thru to him loud and clear. Those of us who want to control others use inflection and tone like a weapon.

They probably did come through, but I tried to contain it, that progress. No yelling or cussing or getting vicious. And it seemed he ended the call with food for thought.

No contact is also for you to protect yourself and get a handle on your emotions.

I think I need to do this, I have a NC plan in a post that followed this original post, just want some feedback that I'm proceeding on the right track

How do I proceed?

With what?

EVERYTHING! I'm so at a loss, I feel so off balance right now that the slights push in any direction sends me head first down that path.

Damn him, who the hell is he, what is he thinking. Our S is 6, he expected me to suck it up and deal, well MFr, SUCK IT UP! Our S is supposedly the most important thing in the world to him and he's willing to do this to him???

What is he doing to him?

Hurting him. S gets so sad that daddy isn't here much. Specifically since Thursday evening, H hasn't seen or spoken to S, S keeps asking where he is and all I can say is that daddy said he was going to be really busy this weekend, in fact I was just told again by S "I miss daddy"

Has your H been a good father? Has your S always been safe around him in the past?

My only complaint (until all this crap) is that he is a little short tempered but he's made great strides to correct that.

You have a lot of anger, really dig down deep and find out what that's about. Anger usually comes from fear and hurt, think about that.

Of course I'm afraid and hurt. So many things. I am afraid of how this is going to effect S, that he is not really going to try and come home. I'm hurt by all the things he's done since I found out about the EA+, by the EA+, how that effected out S. I could go on but...

Your H's relationship with S is not yours to make better or to make worse. They will figure it out on their own. It might not be the R you would want or need but that's not your worry.

They will figure it out.

I think it is my concern since I will be the one dealing with the aftermath of fun time daddy. S really feels his absence and it getting hard to continue to gloss over the situation.

HOW DO I DO NC WITH A CHILD? SOMEONE TELL ME PLEASE. I CAN"T DEAL WITH THIS CRAP. DO I STOP MC? AM I OBLIGATED TO PROVIDE INFO ABOUT S THAT ISN'T VITAL? DO I PROVIDE HIM THE OPPORTUNITY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IS HAPPENING IN S's LIFE?

I WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!!!!

You're not obligated to do anything.

H won't see it that way and would cause a greater rift

Some share info only in the case of an emergency and having to do with pick-ups and drop-offs. Sounds like that might be best for you right now. Text or email.

Please review the plan I've suggested for NC/going dark. Let me know if it sounds ok.

I think you're feeling really out of control of the situation and it's making you anxious. Think about that, really think about it. Is that driving your anger, your fear?

Control was never an issue for me, but in this situation a sense of direction would help, I thought I was doing better at not asking for information over the past week to 10days, but if he gives it shouldn't I be able to expect is accurate? I'm not asking or trying to control what he's doing, but if he says he's going to do something one way shouldn't happen that way. Hold himself to the same standard that he expect me to operate at?

Labug, thanks, I definitely could use the food for thought. My thinking get clouded when I get angry. I read through what I've written and I know it sound as though making excuses but I'm not. I am committed to working on detaching and no excuses. I try very hard not to explode and have been doing better. I hope the NC with help me get my feet under me.