How things are improving? Last thread locked?

[zig]

well first of all calm down, mac.

then read your last post again.

i just read it 3 times and I can't tell what is going on! you haven't written very clearly what she said.

did you mean she shouldn't try with you? or live there?

did you have expectations when she said on the phone, do i have a house to come back to that she meant she wanted to try again?

but at the same time, you had decided to 'throw the kitchen sink at her"

does she know about that yet?

mac (gentle tone here) it;s not going to change all that easily and simply, you know. this is the second time - now you both really need to make those changes.

i'm sorry you are feeling bad, but you have to regroup now and get yourself grounded - not in anger and indignation, but in calmness and patience.

Hope that'll show her how determined I am.

mac, I'm really confused here. show her how determined you are to do what? save the relationship, lose the relationship?

i know i just woke up and am a bit groggy still, but there are some very opposing stances in you post here.

you are disappointed that she doesn't want to live with you when you throw the kitchen sink at her? who would?

i guess i'm trying to point out to you, that there is a big difference between actions that are rooted in calm detachment which don't use phrases such as those, as opposed to actions coming from defensiveness and an indignant attitude that do and the difference shows through.

you cannot use this strategy of 'i'll show you" if you are really not ready for the consequences. an "i'll show you" stance has rarely gotten anyone the positive result they want in any situation in life.

you have to figure out if it's working for you.

Pride is a hard one to let go of in our ditches and so are our egos. and it takes a lot of time and work to do that. it doesn't mean it makes us weaker - on the contrary it makes us more dignified and graceful when we do it the right way.

i'm not saying that you did the right or wrong thing with the instructions to your L. I'm saying that you may want to really inspect the Attitude with which you are doing it - you are not detached, and so your emotions are really influencing your decisions here.

i know you are in a difficult position because she is rushing this thing with the lawyers and you don't really have time to detach but if you choose to react by being aggressive IN YOUR MIND, then there will be consequences that you may not like. otoh if you do those same things very calmly and from as grounded a place as you can to protect yourself, then i think you will have done the best you could under the circumstances

zig