Should I initiate R talk?

[Arsene]

Just got back from the mall. it was great to see D8 playing with her friends. I felt almost normal talking to people about something other than my sitch, although after a while, I was aching to do so and my heart tightened. I just couldn't focus on the people present. Nonetheless, I met someone new and it was nice to talk about different things. He's into motorcycles and had one similar to the one I used to have so I actually escaped for a while and had an hour of relative peace, talking about motorbikes. He's also in the same business as me (teaching) and he might be able to throw some work my way so overall it was a good afternoon. My friend was also there and I wished we could have had some time alone to just let it out. I feel like I've been poisoned by a secret I can't share with anyone. There is no one there to listen to me. I feel so lonely right now.

It's funny how you go from a moment of strength to total pathetic self-pity without seeing it coming. I don't know what caused the change in me this afternoon but it happened. Almost like wanting that cigarette at the appointed time soon after you quit smoking. Is that what it is? Am I addicted? If so, what is my addiction? My W or the pain I feel? Is this part of the withdrawal symptoms I'm feeling right now? If that is the case, then there is relief in sight, at some point in the future. Hopefully sooner than later.

I still feel anger towards her. Towards her insensitivity last night. But then again, isn't it just a game we're playing? Last night, I, myself left looking very nice, wearing a new T-shirt which showed off my newly acquired, MLC-diet body. And on my arrival, she actually commented positively on it as well. Was she just getting even? Playing my game? If that's what she was doing, she definitely scored a point there. She's much better at this game than I am and I bow to her expertise. Maybe i should just get out of the game while it's still time. While I still have a shred of sanity.

No. I will stand. Because my love in unconditional (thanks Denver for your inspiration). I will love her, silently, from a safe distance. Far enough not to be subjected to the venom of her moods but still close enough for her to see the light when the time comes, if it comes. Belief is a strong emotion. I guess that I might no longer be in denial but I'm not sure if I'll ever reach acceptance. Our R was a good one. The best I'd seen in my life, among friends and family. I used to consider myself blessed for it, now, I feel like I'm damned.

In the tradition started by Denver here is a song which hits the mark at this moment and which, ironically, my W used to sing when we were in our duet. I would hope right now, to put a bit of humanity back into the person I love, that it's the way she feels at this moment.


I’m just the pieces of the man I used to be
Too many bitter tears are raining down on me
I’m far away from home
And I’ve been facing this alone
For much too long

I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me
About growing up and what a struggle it would be
In my tangled state of mind
I’ve been looking back to find
Where I went wrong

Too much love will kill you
If you can’t make up your mind
Torn between the lover
And the love you leave behind
You’re headed for disaster
‘cos you never read the signs
Too much love will kill you
Every time

I’m just the shadow of the man I used to be
And it seems like there’s no way out of this for me
I used to bring you sunshine
Now all I ever do is bring you down

How would it be if you were standing in my shoes
Can’t you see that it’s impossible to choose
No there’s no making sense of it
Every way I go I bound to lose

Too much love will kill you
Just as sure as none at all
It’ll drain the power that’s in you
make you plead and scream and crawl
And the pain will make you crazy
You’re the victim of your crime
Too much love will kill you
Every time

"Queen"