AJ - I don't know that I figured out anything faster than anyone else. I've been living in this for 2 years. You're right though, the anger is there and it's not going anywhere for a while, but I have a choice. The ease I have with my distance with my W and my anger has its roots. Embedded in a thought - As hard as I worked to help her and keep the marriage alive, she had to work just as hard to stay angry with me. I can see that very clearly. While she was still in our home I found it kind of fun to do things that I knew she liked or approved. I liked seeing which one of us was going to quit. It was a game of sorts for me, but it's what I had to do if I was going to maintain my sanity. It stopped my heart from hurting so I don't regret my actions. Game or no game, I made a lot of good changes in me.
Sleeper - That is something that's on the back of my mind now that you mention it. My W hasn't had the life she's wanted with our kids for a few years now. She blames me for that and I can't do much for her on that front so I ignore it. She made her decisions and still does. The kids are not unaware that she has yet to come watch them play their summer sports. S12 expects her to not show and is angry with her about it, but I wasn't aware in regards to S6. He complained to me a few weeks back that he didn't want to go because I never watch him, that I'm always reading my school books. I told him I'm never reading while his shift is on and he's playing, I only read when he's on the side. I told him I wouldn't bring my books in any more. Funny thing is, I never noticed how much he's watching me when he isn't playing. I'm using every opportunity to give give him a thumbs up so he knows I care. Lesson learned for me.
Again about the shoes thing. I think there's a lot of side plots to the control issues. I'm not talking to her at all and I know it grinds her nerves when we don't discuss these kinds of things. She still hasn't figured it out on a few things, like telling me where or what she's doing. I never asked these past few years of MLC and I don't now. I don't have the right to ask anymore now that she's left. Either way, I'm not including her in any plans for the kids in the near future unless I have too. I'm beginning to think she's going to get a rude awakening for S6's b-day and this coming Christmas. I have no intention of planning any co-op gifts. What I'm able to do for the kids, I will do. If I can't afford what they want, I'm not taking party to pooling our resources together like we had in the past. I'm sure I'll get brownie points from everyone on that (sarcasm), but last I checked that's what a lot of D parents do.
I just want to file the papers right now. It's the only umbilical chord I have left. Alas, I can't. I'm making things intentionally hard for her. This is what she wants so she has to do the leg work. I have my theories as to what she waiting on and having all these doctor visits seems to fit in there. We're both responsible for the debt until the D papers are dated. I honestly don't care. My career path has room for growth, hers never has. I'll be fine in a few years and I don't mind re-learning how to be resourceful. To be honest, it's the only reason I'm still driving the car I have. I don't know how much longer it's going to last me, but until I have the D papers signed, I don't want to build more debt than necessary and not having a car payment, aside from hers, is a relief right now.
I want her to do everything. I want her to bare the full burden of her choices. I know that if I start the paper work she will use me as the villain to her friends. But what I fear the most is that she will use it to tell the kids - "See. Your dad wanted a D, he filed the paper work. He hasn't been telling you the truth." She already thinks I'm brain washing the kids and I will not give her this fuel.
