Should I initiate R talk?

[Arsene]

Bond is right. Listen man, this stuff is hard. You're going to make mistakes. IMO, the best way to approach it is this:

1) Mainly just listen to your W and validate her feelings. The less that you say right now, the better.

2) At the same time, have a positive mental attitude and always act 'as if' you are happy and light. No one wants to be with someone who is depressed and in the dumps.

3) When you do engage your W in conversation, after you have listened and validated, try to be the one who ends the convo. Also try to be the one who ends the convo even when it is not R talk.

4) When asked a direct question, be truthful, genuine as Bond said... but be direct in the answer.

The thing that i think many of us get into trouble with is we start talking too much. We get into a lot of trouble when we are the ones doing the talking. JMO.

Denver

Hi Denver,

I think I'm about half way through your threads and it's comforting to see that you felt the same as I do at one time. Last night, after W left, I just broke down and couldn't stop myself from crying and I almost woke up D8 at one point. Since I'm now in a boarding house, it's hard to find a private place to let go of these emotions.

Regarding your advice up there, I realised that I can't listen to my wife as she doesn't really talk about herself. She sometimes asks me how I'm doing but never volunteers anything about her life.

About the positive attitude and the Act "as if". I try to do that but I must be very bad at it because the other day, even D8 asked me why I was sad or upset, then wife also asked and I went on the defensive telling them I was fine. Last night as well, I was trying to get W out as soon as possible but it's like she was enjoying seeing me suffer. Like she was putting this on just for me. Taking her merry time with her make up and mouth wash and making sure she got a last glimpse in the mirror before leaving. I wanted to go and leave her to it but i had to let her out of the boarding house and of course by then I couldn't act anymore. She won that round as well.

Seeing her so strong and me so weak makes me sick. I know it's just an act for her too. I've seen some sadness in her eye here and there. I know she's struggling too. Why can't we just be honest with one another and tell each other how we feel?

When it comes to "talking too much", you got that right. I need to learn to STFU. the thing is if we're in the same room and I dont say anything, we end up having one of these very long uncomfortable silences which eventually leads me to leave the room, almost with my tail between my legs. Another victory for W.

My feeling now is that 2 years ago, when she started the EA, I managed to stop it at that. Then I insisted she left the band (EA was/is with the drummer) and told her it was a deal breaker. so now, I think she wants to see what she missed out on and that's why she came back to this city. In fact, she probably contacted OM while i was away in my own country and i suspect that it was the catalyst for the separation.

I guess it doesn't matter anymore anyways. The fact is that I'm in this sitch and I don't know if I can manage on my own. For some reason you seemed to be getting a lot more support back then than I do now. I feel like it takes forever for me to get any kind of feedback on this thread. I know that at the beginning you switched thread a few times out of frustration. I'm wondering if i should just start a new thread myself.

Maybe it's DB's way to teach us patience.

I also got a lot of good info from Sandi2. i found it really helpful to get the insider's perspective on things. I wouldn't mind if she gave me a bit of her no-nonsense wisdom. On this I was wondering if you think you W was MLC. After reading loads on the subject, i really think mine is. Does it make a difference?

Thanks for your help.