Trying to save my marriage.

[Jhail83]

I don't really know where to begin. I met my wife nine years ago, and our 6th anniversary of marriage is on October 29th. We have a four year old daughter whom is the world to both of us. I am a commercial fisherman, so I am gone for long periods of time (for now, I want to change that asap though!). Usually just the summer months though. She has had a couple part time jobs, but mainly stayed at home with our daughter. She recently finished her associate's degree to be a Paralegal though.

Things haven't always been bad, but they have gotten progressively worse over the years. We would both blame the other for our problems. I wasn't spending enough time with her, which I admit, but she would always say negative things about me causing me to withdraw and seek other things like the internet and seeing my friends. I don't want to play the blame game, but I will gladly take it to fix things.

This past winter she went home to Alaska, and I tried to play it cool, but it hurt me beyond belief. I came home to an empty house and cried for hours in our bed. I got angry and did some incredibly stupid things, including cheating on her. The thing was I didn't enjoy it, I did it out of anger and trying to "move on" and I felt tremendous guilt after. I couldn't even really "perform". Still, I did it and yes I told her out of anger. I had myself believing I wanted to move on I guess. She desperately wanted to work on us, and had a horrible winter. I know it must have hurt, because I am going through the same thing now.

When she arrived home in the spring, I knew I had made a mistake. I felt so ashamed and I was withdrawn. She gave me a few opportunities to try and make it work, but then she went on a date with a guy. After that she was more cold and distant, but still not too bad. I did tell her I was sorry and wanted to reconcile with counseling. After I left to fish for the summer, now she is saying she wants to move on, and that she can never love me again. I am devastated. She is a christian, but I always harbored anger and never turned to the Lord. However I have been leaning on him heavily over the last 6 weeks. I have had a few solo sessions with a counselor and so has she. I don't feel like she has been too effective in helping me come up with a plan to save my marriage though.

Still, my wife seems determined to end our marriage with a dissolution. We aren't legally separated and she seems to want to be civil. I have been in contact with her, but she gets angry when I try to talk about reconciliation. It's weird because not too long ago she was wanting to work it out. I don't think she has a real relationship with the guy she dated. I think she does like the idea of him though. Her mom and sister told her to forget about him because he is a distraction.

I know I have to change, and I want to. I want to be a better husband and a better father to our daughter. I want to deal with my issues from childhood (parents were drug addicts, and I was sexually abused by an older cousin and later by her boyfriend.). I know my actions and withdrawing from her are still my responsibility and I am accountable.

I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to believe she is just going through a phase of anger like I did this winter. I want to believe that if she sees real sustained change from me, that our family can remain intact. I was real desperate early June, and I did pressure her a lot. Lately I have been trying to get her to open up to me and just asking her general things like how her day was etc. She did call me a few times to vent and cry about frustrations, but I really haven't made much progress in general.

She has said repeatedly that she is over me and our past doesn't bother he, but she will bring things up from the past out of the blue sometimes. Like she will ask about the affair and what I said to my friends, amongst other things. She also has said things like "Make your goals about your relationship with our daughter. It's all that you have control of. If "we" are supposed to work, we will, but don't let the success of that dictate your time now.". I don't know if that was just her trying to cheer me up or what. I hope it's just her being undecided... she also has said "I can't explain it, James. There's just something in me that knows I can't go back there (to our marriage) even if I wanted to, and believe me I don't want to tear our daughter from a normal family life. That would still be my ideal, but when I think about "us" I feel discontent, sad, and confused. When I think about moving on I feel peace. I never thought I could wish you to hold someone else in your arms, but I truly do now, because I want you to be supremely happy, and you won't find that with me." Of course she has said other things, mostly negative.

I have promised change before while fishing, but mostly because I missed her. I would be better for a few weeks upon getting home and go back to the same routines. I guess because we would fall into our same old patterns of interacting with each other.

Should I just not contact her for the next month (August 23rd or so) until I get home? how should I proceed in showing her that I can be a good husband? I definitely want to continue to build my relationship with the Lord, and I want to spend more time with my daughter. We never really practiced faith in our marriage, and I know it was part of the problem. When I get back should I just let her come to me after showing her I can be a better father? Should I just invite her to come along to church or spend time with our daughter? Regardless of what happens, I can't go back to how I was. I can't be depressed and withdrawn for my daughter's sake and I know it isn't what God wants for me. I just hope that somehow we can reconcile.

Any advice or encouragement would be really appreciated.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

Get the DR book and read it.

Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

[Jhail83]

Thanks for the welcome.
I have read both DR and DB.

The worst part about all of this is being away for the last two months. I won't be home for another few weeks and my W is wanting me to move out which will be tough. I know regardless of what happens I have to be better for my D.

[Jhail83]

Well last night she texted me out of nowhere saying "What a waste of a free Saturday." as my daughter was at my mothers. Then I said "Sorry to hear that. I hope you at least got to relax." Which she replied "I need a back rub. I am sore from my work out today. She always loved me giving her back rubs...

Anyway I tried being nice and made a joke, then it went downhill from there. I told her I was lonely, and she said she was too and didn't feel bad for me. After a few "I hate you!" remarks from her and me asking to try to see if we can work for us and our daughter, it pretty much ended on that bad note. I didn't say anything mean to her myself, but I wish I hadn't brought up our marriage and daughter... I guess at least she got upset and angry. It is better than no reaction right?

She mentioned how she is going to act on her feelings, and hinted that the counselor we have both seen solo suggested she move on. That a woman's heart cannot love once it's moved on.

This is tough.. I did handle it better than I would have in the past. I still wish I would have not said anything though. I can't wait to get home.

[Jhail83]

She just called me. Apparently our D stayed over with my mother at my grandma's house and when she woke up she said "Grandma, I had a dream that I was a baby and my mommy and daddy was married and we were happy. I also want a little sister so I can name her Princess Ariel." lol Cute.

Anyway my wife calls my just now and doesn't even mention our little argument last night, and asks that I help watch our daughter so she can keep taking more classes this fall.

I am going to take this as an opportunity to show her I can be responsible and a good father. She asked if I had anything I wanted to say but I said no. I didn't want to get into another argument. I just told her I will help in any way I can.

[~ kd ~]

In your top post on this thread, regardless of her relationship with her OM, you are probably dead on when you said, "I think she does like the idea of him"

Regardless of her initial departure, you DID cheat on her and you DID rub her face in it. Imagine how that must have stung her...

So...

You will be dealing with her being unable to emotionally trust you, right now. THAT is where you will need to work on for sure. Regardless of the outcome of the M (as Cadet mentioned above, have no expectations), you will want to be a man she can trust. You have a D with her so she will need to trust you there. And she possibly will, without much effort. But won't for her.

Again, think and feel how it is for you to consider your W is with another man. Use that to truly empathize with her.

Good for you to look at counselling for your past issues. That is great and is completely separate from your M issues.

Some of what your W is saying is script, such as wanting you to be happy and find another woman.

It IS a tiny... tiny... tiny... tiny... tiny... very tiny... positive (maybe) that she mentioned the bit about if the two of you were meant to be together, you will... It IS likely to be her indecision. Again, she's hurt, yet she may still love you, deep down. Otherwise, it wouldn't hurt her.

Do NOTHING with that possible fact, except store it in memory.

Ouch, she is definitely pushing your buttons. Again, note she's hurt and wants to hurt you back.

You need to detach as Cadet mentioned above and ALSO stop pressuring her. You NEED to STOP the R talks.

I would not say you are LRT, you certainly do need to look at Sandi2's 37 (and some odd) rules and follow most of them.

You need to be transparent about your life to your W. She will need that to trust you. That does not mean calling her to tell her what you are doing, that is pursuit. If she asks about your life, tell her. Not the emotions, just answer her questions.

You indicate you've read DR. So, what 180s are you planning. Also, what kind of GAL might you do?

Also, I notice you indicate in your post above that you will SHOW her you can be a responsible and good father.

Do not do ANYTHING to SHOW her anything about yourself. Do it because you want to be a better man, a better father, and someone that hopefully, only a fool would leave.

[~ kd ~]

She asked if I had anything I wanted to say but I said no.

Good that you said nothing to help prevent a possible argument.

What I did not say above though, is...

There would BE no argument... because you would say something and then if she got angry, YOU would LISTEN and VALIDATE.

If she does ever open up that door again with asking if you have anything to say, you can simply let her know that you have thinking about how things were in the past and how you are now working on becoming a better man and father as that is what you want.

[Jhail83]

I definitely feel real remorse for my past actions. I hate the fact that I caused her pain.

Well the latest development is, my grandmother passed away last night. She basically raised me so we were close. Not as close as I would have liked to have been recently... I was mad at her and haven't seen her since thanksgiving two years ago. She said she didn't know why I married my W and it upset and hurt me greatly. I now know it was probably her dementia talking...

Anyway I was feeling emotional and debating on whether or not I should even tell my W. I did, and she of course felt bad but she was being really mechanical and restrained with her emotion. Here is a sample of our texts...

Me - "You and our D4 are more important right now. (then me spending money coming home for the funeral and missing out on making another 4k halibut fishing.). I can deal with death (as I realize she is at peace), but I can't deal with losing my family. I'm sorry that's just how I feel. I'm not saying I won't consider coming, but I'm scared. I need my wife right now..." (I regret sounding so vulnerable and weak to her... I shouldn't have said most of this.)

W - "I don't know where the lines are, but I think you're overstepping them. I'm very sorry I can't be here for you, but I don't think that's appropriate."

Me - "I feel like I was such a bad grandson... I was a bad person. I hope Jesus helps me really change for good. I'm sorry I shouldn't have told you."

W - "If you came for the funeral I wouldn't attend."

Me - "That really hurts."

W - "No, I'm upset no one told me earlier! Me keeping things clear isn't me not caring! I'm crying too, ok?"

W - "I wasn't trying to hurt you. I'm struggling to find what is appropriate here. None of my actions are from spite"

Me - " I know"

I just talked to my mom a little bit ago, and she said she talked to my W and she was crying and thought I should come home. I got hopeful, but she just called me while I was typing this, and said I should come home, but so I wouldn't regret it. She said it with almost no emotion. I am so confused now. I think I am going to stay and make more money. It is the best for my family.

[MrBond]

I agree with your mom. Go home to honor your grandmother. If your W chooses to go, that's her choice. Don't let that dirty the honoring of your grandmother.

[Jhail83]

In your top post on this thread, regardless of her relationship with her OM, you are probably dead on when you said, "I think she does like the idea of him"

At this point she only brings him up as a shield sort of.. At least that's how it feels.

Regardless of her initial departure, you DID cheat on her and you DID rub her face in it. Imagine how that must have stung her...

Oh I know. Nothing excuses my behavior. I feel absolutely awful that I hurt her.

You will be dealing with her being unable to emotionally trust you, right now. THAT is where you will need to work on for sure. Regardless of the outcome of the M (as Cadet mentioned above, have no expectations), you will want to be a man she can trust. You have a D with her so she will need to trust you there. And she possibly will, without much effort. But won't for her.

I am willing to do anything to make this easier on her. I know I have to swallow my pride and make big changes.

Again, think and feel how it is for you to consider your W is with another man. Use that to truly empathize with her.

I certainly know how she must feel to an extent. Except she was blindsided by it...

Good for you to look at counselling for your past issues. That is great and is completely separate from your M issues.

I agree. It is something I need to do for myself to be a better person and move on from my past.

Some of what your W is saying is script, such as wanting you to be happy and find another woman.

I agree, it is still hard to hear. I try not to let it bother me, but up here where I fish, I have too much time to think... which is bad.

It IS a tiny... tiny... tiny... tiny... tiny... very tiny... positive (maybe) that she mentioned the bit about if the two of you were meant to be together, you will... It IS likely to be her indecision. Again, she's hurt, yet she may still love you, deep down. Otherwise, it wouldn't hurt her.

Do NOTHING with that possible fact, except store it in memory.

Good advice. I do not want to bring things up to her, and push her away further.

Ouch, she is definitely pushing your buttons. Again, note she's hurt and wants to hurt you back.

I certainly understand her position. I am not mad or do I want to hold anything against her.

You need to detach as Cadet mentioned above and ALSO stop pressuring her. You NEED to STOP the R talks.

I agree wholeheartedly.

I would not say you are LRT, you certainly do need to look at Sandi2's 37 (and some odd) rules and follow most of them.

I will do so. Thanks for the advice.

You need to be transparent about your life to your W. She will need that to trust you. That does not mean calling her to tell her what you are doing, that is pursuit. If she asks about your life, tell her. Not the emotions, just answer her questions.

Once again I agree. She said I should change my facebook password because it is "too tempting" to log in and look at night. I told her I have no intention on doing that and I have nothing to hide.

You indicate you've read DR. So, what 180s are you planning. Also, what kind of GAL might you do?

I will be more involved in taking care of our D4.
She griped that I never spent time with her... this will be hard to do, but I will make the most of every moment I get with her.

I will take care of things at the house more promptly. That is if she doesn't take offense.

Not make her feel guilty about this situation. I want her back because she wants me back, not because she feels bad about it.

Also, I notice you indicate in your post above that you will SHOW her you can be a responsible and good father.

Do not do ANYTHING to SHOW her anything about yourself. Do it because you want to be a better man, a better father, and someone that hopefully, only a fool would leave.

You are absolutely correct. I want to be a better man and father regardless of what happens.