Should I initiate R talk?

[Arsene]

I fell like I have to do or say something. I'd like to tell her how I disagree with her having an A and how she's being selfish to flaunt it in my face. I want to tell how no matter what she claims i did or didn't do in our M, that at least, it was not consciously whereas what she is doing is intentional and just mean. I want to tell her that she's not going to find herself in the arms of OM, she's just going to lose herself again, and maybe even lose me in the process. I want to tell her all of that and so much more... I want to tell her that... I love her no matter what and that I choose to stand by her, by our M, even if it's the most painful thing I have ever done.

Of course, I won't tell her any of this. Instead, I'm not going to tell her anything. I'm going to live my life and rebuild my family, my pride and my self-esteem. I'm going to detach myself from the situation so that I can be calm and kind when she is around and so that I don't feel angered or depressed by her every action or word. I'm going to carry on living for myself and my little girl and become the person I want to be.

Here are some issues I need to work on:

!. I need to control my anger - I have been doing very well with this over the last 2 months since I started meditating once a day. I might need to do it twice a day after today's relapse.

2. I need to stop using guilt as a means of manipulation - I've made a huge effort to try to catch myself before saying something which might cause guilt (sometimes to manipulate and sometimes just to make a point).

3. I need to stop criticizing and judging people - Again, I've made huge efforts to catch my words and my thoughts as they occured.

4. I need to become more patient - I try to predict instances when my patience would be tested and once I'm conscious of it, it's easier to handle. I also focus on my breathing if I get in a situation where I could become impatient.

5. I need to stop expecting people to behave by my standards - in fact, I think I just need to stop having expectations - easier said than done but nonetheless, I've been trying to do and say things without hoping for an answer or action in return

6. I need to talk less and listen more - So far, I totally failed at this one.

7. I need to learn to feel compassion and empathy - meditation has helped in this one. I also try to see the other person's perspective instead of judging or forming an opinion.

8. I need to learn generosity - I try to give as often as I can, which doesn't come naturally for me. I think I've been doing well on this one, especially considering how little I've got left.

9. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself - and that needs to happen now! GAL will help. Getting a job will too. I feel very alone in the city where I live now. I need to rebuild my circle of friends. This will happen once I get a job and start some classes (I've been thinking about Tai Chi lessons as well as lessons in the local language)

10. I need to be kind to all - This is something which I try to implement every hour of everyday. Whenever I am around people, I smile at them and engage them. this is a bit difficult as I don't speak the language very well but it's helping me learn it and people respond very positively. It feels good to do this.

It seems like such a tall order and I'm sure a lot of this will come up at my first C session next Tuesday.

I've been reading a lot on this site and it's been helpful but I could also use input/feedback from others. Thanks for being there.