STE, if no one has ever mentioned this to you or you have not read it here on the boards, DB (per the book) is a set of solutions to help someone work through and maybe save their M. It's touched on in the book and we speak more of it here, that DB is about what works and it is unique for everyone, therefore it is OK and APPROPRIATE to modify DB methods to suit us and our particular sitch.
So often when we talk about not mind reading the spouse, that is generally something that is said when the LBS is having thoughts about the WAS as "having the time of their life" or that they are intentionally trying to harm the LBS. Those are the types of thoughts the LBS needs to stop. It is harmful to the LBS.
Of course, that also takes us away from focusing on working on ourselves and becoming even better people than we were before.
OTOH, what you are doing IS mindreading, yet you're coming at it from a place of empathy. Understanding that he has his reasons and "here might be some of them" and it allows you to see that perhaps he really isn't the monster he might come across as.
That is a good thing. That you are understanding that his actions and words are possibly coming from a place of fear.
The difference is, the first type of speculation allows us to shut off and blame. The second type of speculation allows us to open up and empathize.
No, you can not help him solve HIS problems. What you CAN do is be that safe person that, even if all that comes of this is you are a true friend for him, he no longer is afraid of and feels he needs to protect himself from.
Certainly, it can also lead to the same for you. That you no longer feel he is the enemy and feel you need to protect yourself from him.
It will go a long, LONG way to helping your kids now and in the future.
Keep up the great work! Stay focused on yourself, yet be understanding and compassionate of your H.
