Newbie and ready for hard work

[dj21]

Last night was a visitation for H. I followed my action plan and focused for my brief encounter. Whew. It went well but not as positive as the last visitations. H seemed agitated, our S14 chose not to go and so H asked where he was, I just replied back with "didn't he call you?" H replied back "does he even have his phone" I simply stated "yes". In my head I am telling myself DON'T REACT DON'T REACT, because what would have been typical is for me to tell H a long story on the why and how S14 chose not to come over and why H should contact him if he is curious and that there is a house phone he could call as well. That would have been my typical throw it in his face, place blame, be angry self. I didn't REACT. I let it go, kept being friendly and smiling and decided it isn't my issue to fix. H and S14 can call each other to figure things out. So in that aspect I felt I did well with my DB actions, I was fairly agitated after I left of course, all of my typical behaviors over taking my mind and fighting against this new process I logically know is better for me, but emotionally I struggle with daily. So, anyway...passing on thinking negatively. I had an event right after that kept my mind off of things and refocused me enough to relax a bit, and many hours later I was able to go to my solutions journal and process what went well and what was different from last time. It still went well, even though my mind was struggling with being my typical self, H didn't hear or see it. I kept it to myself. I acted different that I felt. What went different, was he was agitated at the beginning and I know I shouldn't analyze H, but in my solutions journal I also have a calendar on which I have circled every day the past 6 months that I have initiated contact with H. I wasn't focusing on going NC, my focus is to stop the reasons to contact to release my hurt. I have not gone a single stretch of more than 4 days without creating a reason to contact H. Since DB and creating my new focus, I haven't done it since the last visitation. So a total of 12 days. 12 whole days without me doing my typical behavior (contact to hurt), 12 days of not reminding H to dislike me, 12 days of choosing to let H be. I am proud and sad at the same time. It does feel good to act different, and then I am sad because I miss H. But the cold reality is I don't want my interactions with H to be what they have been, and I still missed H with my multiple negative contacts. I want something different, and better. I do feel like a split personality...I am so confident one moment and then struggling the next, I feel emotionally I am traveling down a dark road being blown from side to side, not having a clue how deep the ditch might be on each side...or for that matter if it just might be a cliff. I have my pick up tomorrow, I will re-focus for then. Sorry for my all over the place thought today...I am thankful for the outlet.