Should I initiate R talk?

[Arsene]

Well, these are my thoughts on what happened when I came out of NC a few days ago. As I mentioned, W was all smile when I got there and we had R talk where she asked many Qs which I answered. She got emotional and held my hand, I got emotional too.

She told me how hard it was to find work these days (it’s the Muslim holy month of Ramadan and all the bars are closed) and how she wanted to start busking (playing on the street for small change) but her friends advised against it as they say it is selling herself cheap (she really is a great singer). To this she answers that she needs the money. I have to tell you that in this country, street performers and not well seen and are I small step above beggars. We talked about our financial difficulties (I haven’t worked for three months because I went to visit my family in my own country) and how little money we had left.

She said she had an appointment to go try a small scooter she’s thinking about buying to get around and said she was thinking of selling the car. This came as a surprise because we’d discussed that in the past and agreed not to sell it as it is a means for us to do stuff with D8 (camping and other trips). Also, this car was bought by her dad 30 years ago and we all love it. It’s an old beat-up jeep which came to her when her dad died 15 years ago. Her dad had loved it and we put a lot of work on it ourselves. We travelled throughout the country with it. In my mind, selling it would only be a temporary fix, and I’m not sure when we’d be able to get another car. She said that she couldn’t maintain the car because it was too expensive so I volunteered to help with that. The thing is, she works until late at night and I wouldn’t want her to go home at 2 am on a small scooter. It is a relatively safe country but nonetheless, women out at that time of night are thought to be prostitutes and are sometimes the victims of self-important idiots who think it’s their right to judge and punish sinners. In my opinion, her personal safety is more important than any DB.

Now the thing is, I had decided to try my hand at music for a living, since it had been our original plan before I left for my country. I told myself, why should I give up my dream because she acts this way? This had been a shock to her when I’d announced it because she had thought I’d go back to my old job (teacher) and make decent money to take care of all the bills. As it turns out, if I try music, I won’t be making that much money either (but I’d make enough for D8 and myself to have a good, simple life) which means that W would actually have to contribute. We counted that she’d need to pay about a quarter of her wages to help out (I’d be putting at least 3 to 4 times that much). This would end up being a real burden to her as musicians don’t really make all that much (I myself was planning on doing a few private lessons on the side to help supplement the income). This means that she probably would have to take on students and take ANY gig which comes her way. As my W, while I was n salary, she only took the ones she liked and used the rest of her time practicing her voice, guitar and harmonica (which is a full time job in itself) but now, she’d have no time to grow. This is not why I decided to do this but in a way, I thought it might make her realize more quickly, the life she is walking towards.

But now, after hearing how bad her situation is/will be. After her wanting to go busking and sell the car, I told her I would try to find a job so I can help (as a foreigner, my earning potential is much higher than hers – about tenfold). She said I didn’t have to. That things would work themselves out, but that she thought it might be a good idea just in case.

After that we ended up going to look at the scooter anyways and had a look at a few houses for me and D8 (our house is actually rented till next March) on my new (2nd hand) motorbike. W and I did a lot of touring on motorbike in the past and always had a great time so it was nice to be on a bike again with her. I don’t know how she felt but I have to say that it felt really nice to feel her holding on to me as I accelerated. We had a look at a few houses and drove around until it was time to pick up D8 from school.

After that, we spent the afternoon together and had a wonderful time, laying in bed (in the room I’m renting until I find a place), all three of us and laughing and joking like in the old days. Eventually, at 5 pm W had to go as she was working that evening (she’s a singer) and D8 started to cry which broke W’s heart. Before leaving, she gave me a nice big (loving?) hug which I returned.

The funny thing is, as soon as she left, I got thinking and felt like I’d been “suckered”. The next day, she didn’t call me but called D8 (W had gotten her a cheap pay-as-you-go cell phone “for emergencies”) and I had no news other than that.

This morning, we had a parents’ meeting at school to which we’d discussed her coming because I don’t speak the language that well, and she didn’t show up. When I got home with D8 after the meeting, W was home. She was cordial but didn’t mention the meeting until D8 asked me about it and I told her that I hadn’t understood everything. W then said “Oh, you should have told me, I could have come. But I thought we’d decided that you’d go by yourself.” I told her that, No, we hadn’t and that I thought she was going to be there but that there was no harm done as I managed to get the info through some of the other parents who speak English.

She then spent the day here with D8 and every time we were in the same room (since we’re in a boarding house it’s difficult not to be), it got very uncomfortable. At times, we’d just sit quietly without a word being exchanged until I’d just leave and go to the bedroom to play my guitar. I probably should have found an excuse to leave the house just to get away but I had nowhere to go (the few friends I have here were all busy) and I guess, I was(Argggg! I know!!!) hoping for another days like we’d had before.

W and D8 just left to go visit one of her friends, I made sure to be out of the way. I didn’t want to be anywhere where she might try to hug me. I feel like she probably does it because she thinks I expect it. Besides, she kind of got what she wanted from me now so I don’t expect any signs of affection until times get tough again.

I’m ready to detach. I just need to know how. It’s difficult now as I realize I’m still in denial. I still can’t understand why we’re not together.

I tried to get DB/DR through a friend who went to Singapore but she didn’t find them. I don’t know if I can have them delivered here (courier is not reliable at all) so I was wondering if there was an ebook version of them that I could buy online and download.

I’d love to hear any advice/new perspective (I know, I didn’t really take it the last time it was given but I’m awake now)

Denver, I started reading your sitch and I’m so glad things seem to be going well for you. Seeing the way you were at the beginning made me think a bit about the way I feel now, so I guess there is hope. It looks like in the end you did well. What kind of music does your W sing?

Unbidden, thanks for the idea. I think I’ll try that next time.

MrBond, I’m sure the words “I told you so” are on your lips and rightfully so. I think I f@#$ed up. I feel drained. I can’t wait for the C appointment next week.