TIME for a change

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Denver, you're right man... I've had a very rough week and had a significant backslide. She really hadn't used the word "divorce" over the months, and the fact that she shot down getting together with SS and then following up with her statements sent me in a tailspin.

we get that you were disappointed. But you let it send you in a tailspin. You reacted poorly. Good point...so you LEARNED to "DO" it a different way next time, right?

You've done that "tailspin" thing before, and you recognized it. But then you do it, again. I think basic behavioral discipline is in order asap.



At least I haven't contacted her to discuss anything further, she called me last night but didn't leave a message so I don't know what she wanted.

After thinking the past couple of days and reading about forgiveness, the only way I am going to get past this is to let it all go.


This^^ is crystal clear to all of us. Now, YOU see it too. So, do it. No more excuses or moment to moment analysis. Just LET IT GO...

that's why the marriage vows say "from this day forward". The vows mean you are letting go of the past. Do you hg=




























of the problem is that I had optimism that things were going to work out in the end.

No that wasn't a problem.. Your Expectations? Sure...

but your hope for a recon, is NOT the cause or "part of the problem" of you losing your temper and reverting back to anger so fast.

That reverting to anger so quickly- Is simply a well worn pattern of behavior of yours. It has probably cost you at least one marriage, if not more.


The more I logically think about it and remove emotion from the equation, the more I see that I will better off going our separate ways.

Very hard for me to say one way or the other b/c your emotions are probably what brought you together. Plus you have a bruised ego that gets in your way a lot.

I do hope you'll attend that workshop or see a great IC and go often.

Not b/c you are "so unheahthy", but b/c you swing back and forth too much from extreme to the other, and I don't see a weekly session doing it for you.

Hence the request for a workshop, which is actually more hours of therapy in one long weekend, than most people get in 2 years time..


You're right on the root cause too. Nobody put a gun to my head to marry this woman. I knew it was going to be challenging taking on the responsibility of 3 kids. I didn't handle it well and hence everything broke down.


So, what would you do differently if you could do it all over again?

I sure hope you have an answer to THAT question, before you get involved again, with her or OW...


I'm trying to frame it like a business decision gone bad or a bad investment. I took a financial hit based on bad decision making, it [censored] but life will go on.

I was very angry, I am ok now, and I know I am going to be great in the future.

I sure hope that you are ok now, and not going to angry tomorrow, or tonight or next week...just try to learn to "BE ALRIGHT W/YOUR LIFE NOW..." as it is. IF you could do just that

you'd be miles ahead of what you are right now.


My next move is to figure out my living arrangements for the new year. One of my buddies took me in as a roommate since around the holidays it looked like things make a positive turn so I didn't want to set something up permanent.

So, in effect, You let your hopes of a recon, paralyze you...??

See, I don't get that.
If anything, NOT moving forward may have made you look as if you were waiting for her and NOT GAL,

and or, that you were still trying to control the outcome, manipulating and NOT GAL b/c it was all a tactic you were using to "win"....

You never did say what you thought about that letter from a WAW to her h. I posted it here to you, bc I imagined your w felt some, or all, of the things that the WAW felt towards her h, the sel felt.

Any thoughts on that letter now?


I'm looking forward to getting my own place and rebuilding, I have a knack for setting up a nice bachelor pad. My house is rented until March of next year, hopefully I'll be able to sell it soon thereafter...

As you said a lot of my backslide had to do with my pride and ego as well. I agree her current decisions and actions have nothing to do with me. Only she knows her true motivation for leaving me

and that's no longer my concern since what's done is done.


Not to quibble here^^, b/c i agree that her motivation is NOT your concern; jsut the facts....

but I SO hope you'll do some real soul searching inwardly here....b/c the more you learn about yourself and the better man you become when all this is said and done, the better man you'll become..

The best insurance against a repeat of this type of problem, is that...being the best man YOU can become.

My bad decision making is the root cause of all of this.

So you begin here^^ here with what APPEARS to be a genuine insight...

but then you veer downward with thinly veiled pseudo "insights" in which
you really do blame her, still, after all that happened.

B/c when it gets right down to it, her choice of OM makes all that you did before, meaningless to YOU b/c your ego is so wounded.

By her seeing another man before the legalities were done--(the same legalities that did not stop you from seeing her while your prior m was not legally finished too...correct? )

Your ego gets hurt b/c of OM and THEN it becomes all about what SHE did and how you made mistakes like loving her too much (or words to that effect.)

that's NOT OWNING your choices OR LEARNING FROM THEM

THAT'S NOT OWNING your behavior --OR LEARNING TO CHANGE IT;

that's explaining and excusing them.



Marrying her was a mistake,

same exact mistake you claimed to have made with your first wife...

interesting...and NOT DIGGING DEEP at all...instead, you reached for the easiest reason of all - "SHE"S NOT FOR ME"

and it's the one choice that lets you off the hook for having to change. [u][/u]Interesting pattern emerging...

trying to get her back by putting her in her dream car was a mistake.

No offense, seriously, but I'm almost laughing at this one...really? What does this mean? It's almost as if you are saying Being "too generous" was a mistake, but we know better....

How come all your "LOVING ACTS" are about spending money? (Please don't make HER love language the reason for your actions...)

THAT Purchase was classic Broken behavior...

you mistreated her, so she wanted out, so you feared losing her.

Rather than changing YOU-you BOUGHT HER SOMETHING...


I really did have to sign the separation agreement for fear of further legal problems, but again it was my stupid decision to contact her in the face of a legal order that put me in that position.


didn't You put yourself in that position? The paper doesn't exist in a vacuum. You "confronted" OM and it backfired.

Learn anything from this?

How do you think SHE would describe that event? What did she glean from it? Did it move you towards ao apr believe from this experience?


I have fully owned up to my shortcomings in the marriage and their effect on getting me here. You've helped me own up to my problematic decision making, something I certainly need to work on.

not sure what this^^ means. GUess time will tell, and we'll leave it at that.


I married her in the face of concerns about doing so from my family and friends who care about me, that was also a bad decision.

ah, so, it's picking the wrong woman, which is more or less HER being wrong and you not seeing it sooner? THAT is your "mistake"?

Does this feel like "fully owning" your mistakes to you?



I'm not going to lead with my heart anymore, if I had led with my brain instead I also would not be here. The bottom line really is that I made my bed, and now I'm laying in it.

well it seems your marriage is ending, and according to you, there will be some financial hits. Nothing fatal, financially speaking and you're both healthy physically too. And there are No kids in the family of this m, So on the whole, it could be a whole lot worse, as you know.


It is time for me to start blazing a new path, and I'm looking forward to it.

Good. Sounds like a plan.

I'm working on acceptance and forgiveness and living in the moment for now.


This will be your most challenging task and the hardest aspect to all of this.

And it will take time

b/c it's a learned skill. We are evidently not born with it but some find it a lot harder than others.

Forgiveness, acceptance, both Take a lot of practice-- and commitment on your end.

Note, it's ALL on your end. Has nothing to do w/her or whether she "deserves" it b/c

not forgiving, NOT letting go, NOT learning from your mistakes and NOT owning them=

got you here.

So you'll find yourself in a similar place in 5 years if you do not figure this stuff out SOON...see, really, the anger costs YOU- far far more than it costs anyone else.



Weekend trip with some friends, golf home next weekend the a Pinehurst trip the week after followed by a week of vacation. I count my blessings everyday, this sitch has been my Achilles heel for the last year and I am ready to let it go.



that is good to hear. Really!

Thanks again for the kick in pants Denver, I needed it after my blathering from earlier this week... 25 if you see this I am calmed down now you know I have the tendency to get a bit flustered :-)

"flustered"?

Hmmm. I don't mean this as a 2 x 4, (or maybe I do and maybe I am not being honest here. I'll ponder that...I To ME, you seem to begin w/flustered and then you quietly but quickly slide over & you get FURIOUS and all wound up.

If you ACT half as angry as you sound, here, I can see that you need to stay in those anger mgt classes.

As a mother, I can only speak to my fears that the mere possibility of harm to my kids,

guarantees me to be on high alert and "MEGA VIGILANT" and paranoid


Time for a new lease on life with a new outlook and a new thread. Everyone have a good weekend and good luck in your respective sitch's!

Keep at it Broken. You have a long road ahead of you, TO CHANGE...you have a lot of support if you'll hear it and heed it.

((( )))