A Huddle of Turtles

[zig]

so the last couple of days have been restful in a way - meaning that my mind is sooo much more at rest from this sitch.

I think the discussion about forgiveness really helped me a lot.

I was surprised yesterday to suddenly find myself thinking of h and GENUINELY wishing him well in whatever he does, without feeling The twinge of bittersweet pain i've always felt. until now, my compassionate thoughts towards h have been more acting as if in a slight way, but suddenly now it is different.

it's not to say that i haven't had my crying moments of wishing that we could work it out - i've had those too but they are now coated with some sort of reassurance that i'll be okay.

so interesting little thing with s this week. he insisted that we should go over to h's house so he could show it to me. i said no way at first and even went so far as to say, that is h's house and not mine and i don't feel comfortable join cover there when h is not there. he got very very upset.

that happened on tuesday and later that night i said to him that i was sorry - that he want to share something with me that was exciting for him, an di shouldn't have said no, and that we could go over later in the week (i did talk about tit with mil, and she pointed out to me that i was being rigid about the house, and could i see it from s's pov, that he could be terrified at the idea that i wouldn't be welcome in that house.

so we had decided we'd go this evening after his class.

right before i went to pick him up, h called. i knew he wanted to talk with me because he knew very well s wasn't here. my feeling was that he sort of wanted to check out where i was at.

after letting me know when he was due back (tomorrow night) , i suddenly decided to let him know about the conversation with s and that we were going to go over there. s had said somethings that were a bit odd.

i asked h if he was okay with us going over there, and he seemed to be. he was more concerned about how i felt about going over and asked me over and over if i was okay with it. i stayed really relaxed and said that i had accepted what was going on and that i had said that i would support both him and s in this decision.

he said several times that it felt odd to him and something about it being very uncomfortable - can't remember his exact words, but along the lines of this is very difficult.

i really kept the conversation as light as i could, and even managed a very very mild flirt - more in the way i was speaking and then ended the conversation. he did seem a bit nervous, but wasn't grumpy or spewy.

so we saw the house - and i could just see how much it was h's house - it's down to the beams and outer walls - but i could feel exactly what he loved about it and why he had chosen that house.

so h has a pretty nutty whacky side to him - and he had set up what we called the tajma tent (he named it for the taj mahal because it's so huge), in the back yard - and s was so excited about the crazy thing he had done: the nutcase has a real queen sized bed in there, with a lamp and a dresser and a television!! and that is so h, that i just had to laugh!!

after we came home, i was a bit sad, and had mixed feelings - but decided that instead of us just hanging out here we should get out of the house and do something. all our friends were busy, so i suggested s's most favorite thing to do - pick up sushi and go over to in-laws to swim. they were out for the evening but h's grand-parents were in and when we got there, instead of swimming the four of us watched the olympics opening ceremony all evening.

all of us had a wonderful time - i don't know why but it was magical - we were so happy together for hours - laughing and being so delighted with everything that was going on. of course the queen's antics just made me get high!! i was just riding on the sheer joy of watching an 82 yr old step out of a helicopter, and float down, least of all in a lacy peach dress!! 0h, THAT is going to keep me going for a long while!!

one of the things that i love and absolutely cherish is very old women NOT acting their age!!!

that's how i've always wanted to be and imagine i will be when i grow old - you know like in up on a ladder at 75, painting the house!!! or climbing a mountain when you're 80!!

i've always said to myself that i will still be throwing porcelain pots on the wheel when i'm 97 like Lucie Rie (a very famous potter from England) and i'm glad to think that i can go back to having that dream for myself again after these last few years.

so all in all - sort of a more peaceful day than ever, and i know i've rambled on for a bit here, but it's calm rambling... mil said tonight, let's see what happens when he gets back and for the first time i just calmly looked at her and said -probably nothing, why do you think anything will happen - and in that moment, i realized that for now, i'm really okay with that

zig