well, i may have found some work - as in a small job doing some production knitting for a company - thinking of it as bread and butter work to bring some money in while i continue establishing the shawls side.
nothings definite yet, but it looks very promising - so i am really pleased.
interesting emotional response to it. at first it sort of got me all excited and my mind immediately started to see all the other ways i could earn money, and i realized that i felt much more comfortable trying to make money doing several different things rather than just focusing on only the shawls. that was a revelation, and suddenly the unease of whatever was holding me back lifted. i think i was concerned that only depending on that was too much pressure.
after that i got really nervous and shaky - so i called my friend and she help due, saying that it was just taking another step into the unknown, and that it was ok. i swear - the way she talks - i think she's a DB vet - i'm so lucky to have her in my life. and to think that 2 and 3 yrs ago when i first met her, i really didn't care for her all that much.
then later in the evening i just started to feel really confident about it all - whether it works out or not, suddenly i feel that well, if that opportunity comes up, other ones can too.
i think i'm losing that fear of not finding work and being able to support myself. so MUCH peace from that, all of a sudden
i also see what i wrote above as what i could do in my sitch and change things around for me. i don't need to focus on my r with h as the only alternative, that i can allow other possibilities also.
i've gone to bed much earlier the last couple of night. obviously not so good tonight!! but it's ok - i've done some good reading.
made another dent in the clutter today, so that was very encouraging - am slowly going through different areas of the house - getting rid of my old life and self...
the yoga isn't going well - maybe it's like the work thing - something holding me back, and when i'm ready for it, it will just come...
starting to see how that approach can really work for me - not so much self-pressure as i used to do, but more of a gentle non-self-critical approach
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
