Piecing - Round 1

[Denver_2010]

As Starsky said, this post needs to be stickied somewhere. Great words GH.

Interestingly, a wayward spouse doesn't actually need to be remorseful in order for the couple to rebuild. What has to happen is the affair has to end (by end I mean zero contact), withdrawal/grief be completed and for both parties to get real, the WS to come clean about details the BS wants to know, for both parties to enjoy each other again, plus the passage of time. LOTS of time. At least two years.

In yours and my case, Denver, where selfishness, neglect, anger and verbal abuse were issues, we need to permanently address these behaviours and ensure we never commit these marital crimes again.

If the A is really over and all required details are known, no good can come of mentioning it again if a happy marriage is our goal.

None at all.

Perfectly stated. I do believe this. Just have to execute it.

Try as I might, I cannot get her to see that we were married the entire time and what she did was wrong.

Please don’t try and “get” her to do anything. In marriage we have to negotiate outcomes rather than strongarm our wives or husbands into doing something or adopting a point of view. Otherwise we store up resentment and chaos for later which is always bursting to find an outlet.

Oh definitely! If I've learned nothing else, it is this. I was kind of being sarcastic when I said that. Certainly when the issue has come up and I have let my anger control me, I have tried... but without success of course. I realize that I can't do that.

My goal now is to just not be reactive to it. And when I am, do what you suggested earlier. Remove myself calmly and nicely.

By the way, it’s only an argument if you and Mrs. Denver bring it up, lock horns and do battle over it. Otherwise it’s simply a difference in your respective points of view. A difference whose relevance grows less with time.

That's my hope.

Then I started getting panic attacks every lunchtime – I think this lasted a year or more and my mates all said that I “wasn’t myself” or a “shadow of my former self” and I really was. I couldn’t work either, I could show up there, but my performance compared to before was appalling.

My friends were all telling me the same thing. That I was a 'shadow of my former self'. My work definitely suffered. It was just a mess. I think that I started to pull it back together in the final few months before she moved back in. Though it certainly took a lot of time.

Quick question for GH, Jack and others who have reconciled with their wives after an affair...

Did you feel that everything that you experienced with W prior to your 'situation' was tainted by what your W had done?

No, not at all.

I look at pictures of our 8½ years together before all of this started and feel just the same as I always did. Sometimes I look at pictures taken when we were younger and I regret very much that I didn’t have the skills, knowledge or wherewithal to take care of her properly and be a good husband. I didn’t have many good role models in this area growing up and wish I had done differently.

There aren’t many pictures or reminders our bad time now, probably the worst one for me is a picture at W’s sister’s house of the baptism of W’s nephews and nieces. That was taken the day after W came back from seeing OM.

I imagined the picture just then as I typed and felt a vague ”That’s not a pleasant thought, GH31” go through my mind but not much else. Nothing like the harrowing thoughts and feelings which would have suffocated me a few years back.

Man that sounds like me GH. I look back on the times before she left me and wish that I had the tools to be a good H. I simply didn't. The same reason... no good role models growing up.

It's the "good" times during the S that are completely tainted for me. We had multiple periods of time where we were trying to figure out if we could try to reconcile. W was never ready to commit and fully give up the idea that she was throwing away a "chance at happiness" with OM. So that would always be in the background during these periods of time. But we would 'date', we went to Disney World with our kids, went to multiple concerts together, all things that would otherwise be good memories. They are just triggers for me now. Unfortunately.

[/quote] The journey never ends, Denver. The scenery changes and you find yourself walking with your W along beautiful beaches and breathtaking mountain tracks instead of crocodile infested swamps (in the metaphorical sense) but it’s never “done”, never complete.

GH31 [/quote]

I absolutely see it this way GH. And I think that it is a good thing. I like the idea of taking this journey with my W.

Thanks again GH. That was a great post.

Denver