Today's a new day and even though I don't believe for a second I'm past it, I know that it's not what I want. I've been exploring my anger for less than a week and I've not liked my thought process through these past several days. I feel stress where I shouldn't and I hate it. While at home w/o the kids I've been taking care of things that need to get done and without school right now I've even fit in a few movies. I've been pretty pleased with things, the heat wave that's killed many of the flowers and plants my W left behind have been recovering with my extra attention. I'm excited about seeing how I've been able to help the dead leaves get replaced by healthy green ones and the plants I've started a few months back are doing great. I've never had a green thumb and this is fun.
Then I met with my W to pick up the kids and instantly the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I couldn't look at her, I detested her. When she looked at me I made certain to be looking at the kids because I was forcing a smile on my face that I didn't want there. I didn't want her to think I was okay with her being so close to my proximity. I was tired after a long day at work and it took me hours to settle down after that exchange. It bothered me that the kids noticed and S12 was asking me if everything was okay. I made sure to not be frowning during those few hours, and with a shrug of my shoulders I simply smiled and said I was tired after a long day at work.
I was so angry with myself and my W. This is not where I want to be at all. Not in reference to her, but within me. S12 went off on me again yesterday about his mom. My heart is shattered about him. He was trying so hard not to cry. He has so many feelings that I wish I could do more about for him. He said some things that got me thinking and not just about how to respond to him.
He said that his mom is always griping to her friends about the things I'm doing that's making her mad. Like how I bought the kids school shoes. Instead of being happy with the fact that she doesn't have to spend money on new shoes for the kids, she's mad I didn't communicate with her because she had a coupon. What's better than a coupon? -> Free. So in effect, she's wasting energy being upset.
Something went down as well that was minor, but S12 used me as an excuse to not accept an invitation instead of saying that he didn't want to go. I then received a text from EA/OM that he could come by and pick up the kids and save me a trip if I wanted. I wasn't mad that EA/OM believed he would be doing me a favor, I was upset that S12 didn't just say no and I got brought in as though I was the one telling him what to say and do.
I told him I didn't like feeling as though W and her friends are giving me the impression that I'm brainwashing him and his brother to not like their mother. He jumped on me and said that's only because of what his mom is telling others. I told him either way, it's dishonest and that if he didn't want to go somewhere with someone then he should feel comfortable enough to say no and leave me out of it.
And so I thought......and thought. My W is constantly angered by me or what I do or am not doing. Maybe not every day or every week, she gripes about me to her friends and EA/OM. She does this whether I do nothing or anything at all. This is where I saw my anger going. I don't like that at all, it's not me. I know why she gripes to her friends, someone has to believe her that I'm a monster that is still mistreating her and her family doesn't believe her. So I understand and I'm okay with it.
I'm not okay with living like her. I don't want to be angry. I had my first dream in weeks with my W in it. This was different in that we were talking to each other. It was also different in that she was intentionally being vengeful towards me. She was asking money for school stuff and other stuff. I told her I only had $$ left in my 401K and that there was no more to give. In my dream she smiled at me and said "Don't you mean $$?". When I didn't pick up on her clue that she was saying half of my 401K was hers she said it in my dream.
I woke up in a good mood after that dream. I'm not scared of losing a 401K plan. There's hardly anything in there and I was going to use what's left on a down payment on a new/used car. There's almost nothing in it so I'm not threatened. I woke up feeling good, because I'm content with who I am, where I'll be tomorrow and there's no hate in my life. I feel sorry for her. If she follows the MLC script, the part about coming down to earth and seeing the damage laying in her wake, I feel so sorry for her.
I woke up today in a good mood and without anger. It's not gone, but I'm not interested in it by choice. I told my boys yesterday that I was very sorry, that none of us expected this to happen or wanted it too, but I love them and I'm here for them. That whenever they are at home with me, I am here for them and nobody else.
They told me they didn't like EA/OM in that he always curses around them and yells at them at times. I told them I'm sorry that I couldn't do anything about that, that their mom is not happy with me right now and wouldn't be very happy with me passing judgement on EA/OM. I told them that they should never stop telling their mom how they feel about someone and that they should know they have a right to stand up for themselves, even if that means they speak out at the EA/OM.
EA/OM hasn't and wouldn't physically harm my kids, he's not that way, but I disapprove of his fathering skills with his kids and my boys do too. But I know that he's there for my W right now and he's defending her actions when the kids are expressing their anger towards her. He's serving his purpose in her life. I'm sad for her.
The only anger I have it seems is with me for thinking I wouldn't reconcile with her at any cost. That if the day comes that she crashes, I would stand and watch her suffer alone so she could know the depth of the pain she caused me and our kids. Those thoughts make me angry because that's the person I stopped being years ago and I don't ever want him to come back.
