Not disappointed. Just frustrated. I felt like I was so sure before that all I wanted was to keep my family together and now I have no idea if that's really the best thing for us anymore. I had a clear sense of purpose.
Just trying to figure that out again now. What do I want?? I don't know anymore.
I believe this is part of the process J. Discovering, learning, and finding out what is best for us and our children.
It can be extremely frustrating and scary but also an incredible opportunity that we may never have gotten.
It took me a while for that paradigm to shift and I still have my moments but I am greatful that this happened.
Hi JKS I just caught up on a week or so of your thread and a running theme for you is emotions that threaten to overwhelm you like a wave crashing over your head, and then later you seem to feel better. I wanted to point out that when you took yourself shopping and immediately felt better, that showed some emotional strength that you can tap into. What else makes you feel better? Keep a mental "menu" of those things and pick one when you need one. Take care of your own mental state and take back a lot of your power that way. You don't have to let yourself be buffeted by those waves.
I was also wondering, what are the changes you're working on? What is going to make you a better you and a better wife/mom going forward?
And finally, you mentioned that your H was doing this painful stuff to you on a weekly basis. No, he's not. He's not doing this to you. And the hurt you feel is coming when you zero in on a moment in his life, such as the OW's birthday party. You don't know, and you're mindreading a hurting your own self, when you assume how that came about and fixate on it. Maybe she's a brat about her birthday and expects everyone to make it a huge deal (how old is she?). Maybe not, either way you should look at the bigger picture and imagine it moving a lot more slowly than the one-two punches you see when you zero in and fixate like that. THIS is exactly what GAL is for and why everyone on this site talks about it so much.
(((((jks))))
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
jks, your thread is pretty "hot" and I'm appreciating all the advice you are getting as I can benefit too.
I don't have any advice tonight. Just wanted to tell you I'm thinking about you and hoping you are able to get to a stable place again where you can think clearly.
Yes, you have confusion, emotion and sometimes the wrong focus. Don't we all?
But you are an incredibly strong woman. I see you with a heart of love and gold just searching for the opportunity to rebuild a stable family. It looks like for a while that stability won't include H, but you are there for your kids through it all! Imagine the appreciation they will have, when they are older, for that gift you are giving them now.
Many hugs to you tonight and hoping your faith and friends will continue to be of a great help to you during this difficult time. ((((jks))))
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I feel like I have really let myself go these past couple weeks. The interaction at H's parent's house, I'm realizing, was extremely traumatizing for me. I thought seeing H and OW together like that was something that was going to help me because it allowed me to see things from his perspective. How he's moved on and how his family "acts" so comfortable with this. But all it did was make me angry, hurt, and frustrated. Three things I don't want to feel anymore.
I am changing my focus from, "do I want this marriage anymore?" to "what kind of woman do I want to be?" The answer to the second question is... I want to be someone that faced adversity and handled it with GRACE. I want to be someone that is strong and confident about who I am no matter what's happening around me. I want to be a good mother.
I'm really going to try my hardest to move forward by not talking negatively about this situation. I may come here to vent from time to time but I'm going to try to keep things positive and I'm going to stop making pity parties for myself. Especially when I talk to my friends. I'm going to try really hard to not even talk about it and find other things to talk about that are interesting when I'm around other people. I think this will help me a lot.
I'm done making excuses and I choose to rise above. I am not the victim and my H's choices do not reflect poorly on me, they reflect poorly on him. This was said to me by a wise friend on these forums not so long ago. I am staying true to my M and my family. What H chooses to do is on him.
The support from all of you is very much what keeps me going and gets me back on track when I fall off. Hugs to you all for your wisdom and your love.
-jks
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Jk this is a lenghty process. You will go back and forth. I think your goals above are good. Focusing on you and children. That is all you can do anyways. I know you have lil ones but what are you doing for fun???
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Hey Jks, just want to echo what Rick & Ad are saying. The goals you list above are great. Be sure to take it to another level and really visualize what these things will look like in your life. Also, spend some time thinking about how they would show up when you are challenged by the situations around you.
Take control of your own life and own attitudes and focus on not allowing your H power over these. These things take so much longer than we want them to. But that's reality and IMO, its easier to deal with reality if you can recognize what it is.
Hope you have some fun plans for the weekend!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Also, spend some time thinking about how they would show up when you are challenged by the situations around you.
This might sound weird, ces, but could you give me an example of what you would do? When I have an example to refer to it helps me so much more.
Originally Posted By: ces67
Take control of your own life and own attitudes and focus on not allowing your H power over these. These things take so much longer than we want them to. But that's reality and IMO, its easier to deal with reality if you can recognize what it is.
I get this... and it doesn't seem so hopeless when I do realize the REAL time frame here. I've had little bits and pieces of feeling in control and I know what it feels like... lately I have just felt like I'm losing it again. Slowly trying to regain that feeling of loving life again and just being ok.
It's coming, just slowly.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I just wanted to say something. As you know I have been in my sitch for almost two years now. By the time I found DB I had gone through a bulk of the emotions, anger, desperation, bad coping habits, yelling, screaming, insulting, facebook stalking, ultimatums initiating R talks, trying too hard, trying to make him see my point of view, saw everything he did as against ME personally, clinging to false hope, etc.
If I had found DB earlier? Who knows. Maybe there would be more hope for my M. But after DB and seeing so much and accepting so much of my role and also slowly turning the passive aggressiveness into released compassion, it has only been since then did I start to feel better. Acting as if is hard, but at the end of the day, I can sleep better.
galing can be challenging ( and I still don't do enough of it), but it makes a difference in how we perceive our days...how we approach our days.
None of the other stuff pre-db, ever made me feel better. In fact it deteriorated my self- esteem, confidence and I really felt like a failure. None of the other stuff ever made me feel like I had some control over what seemed like a life that was spiralling out of control.
I am still a newbie, and I know I still have a lot to learn, but its coming back. The self-esteem, the confidence. And more importantly the ability to take back some control of my own emotions and reactions. I keep thinking" how will I feel if I handle it like this or that...and more importantly, how do i want to hold myself, not just for my R with H, but with my family, friends, children, etc"
I realised I do have choice. I have choice in me.
By no means do I want this sitch, by no means do want to have a broken family, but with DB, I have been given the ability to choose how I deal with what has been given to me. I don't know why I was given this sitch, but its not for me to question ( I used to fall to my knees in desperation asking God why).
The reality is what it is. DB helps us cross the street in the safest way possible without getting hit.
I made a conscious decision to accept DB because for me it offers me the best solutions to become the best I can be regardless of my M.
I know you can do this. I know you can get there. I am not saying I am there yet, but I do feels closer and closer because of you all, these boards, my coach and this programme.
I dont know what's going to happen next, but I know that I have to continue focusing on me. It's my choice now. My journey.
I don't know if that means anything but I just want to encourage you to keep going. It does happen
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Jks, one more thing, which is what I think I was trying to say but couldn't get it out.
I created my own hell. He was not at all affected or concerned about what I was going through and if he was, he did nothing about it. So I continued to be my own hell keeper.
It doesn't have to be that way
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
This might sound weird, ces, but could you give me an example of what you would do? When I have an example to refer to it helps me so much more.
So what would it look like if you didn't respond these situations emotionally? Can you picture how you want to respond? A pattern I noticed was when I brought up something that my W didn't like, she would respond by attacking me rather than deal with the topic. It would frustrate me and we'd get into a bigger argument where neither was listening. I had to think through my topics and decide before hand that I would not respond/react to her attacts. I would picture myself sitting still and listening and thinking to myself that her words were only her own self-defenses and did not define who I was. It took practice.
One time the negative cycle was starting and all I could accomplish was to say "we're doing the same pattern of arguing and neither of us are listening. I'm not going to do that this time" And I just got up and walked out of the room. It gave us both the awareness of what was happening and we finished the conversation later on a more civil tone.
It does come slowly. We respond how we do out of habit. You are literally changing your normal thought patterns and it take time, effort and self-forgiveness as you get better a little at a time.
Keep at it! You've got all you need to be successful!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
