"I'd like to find a way to tell her that I am proud of how strong she has become, but I don't want to push too hard either."
You don't have to go over the top. For example, in the email you sent to her thanking her, you could have added "Thank you for the talk yesterday, you always did have a sympathetic ear" Just put in those small compliments here and there.
Bringing the lunch sounds okay. I'm not sure about the show though. Can you detail what happened during her first A? What were her reasons for doing that and how far in the M did it happen? How old are you and your W and have the two of you gone to C?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I am 48, and my W is 44. We have been married 18 years, and we have two teenagers.
My W's A was in 2006. She got too close to a coworker and the A became physical that spring. She confessed it to me that summer, and I had no idea. It hurt, and I was of course really angry too, but she took responsibility and worked hard to regain my trust. She was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder that summer after crashing from a manic episode. We each had individual counseling, and then when I decided I was really ready to move forward, we went to a marriage counselor. Things got a lot better between us. I was also working on my PhD and dissertation, and I guess all the busyness and stress of life just got us off track again.
I had things I wished were better about the marriage, but I didn't realize she was so unhappy. We still had stressful discussions about sex and affection, but eventually she didn't talk about it anymore. She had pretty much stopped talking to me about "deep" things for awhile by the time she filed.
Her A was terrible, but honestly, it was in the past. In fact, she seemed to have a much harder time forgiving herself than I had forgiving her. She never excused it, but mainly she was lonely, she said she felt invisible, she was very upset about the lack of sex. She would disagree, but I think being manic affected her too.
The hard thing to know is, I am not really supposed to pursue, but it was lack of attention and pursuing on my part that caused her to feel so invisible, so I am not sure how to proceed.
You don't need to full on chase after her. Continue to work on your personal growth and learn and read about relationships. Then start doing little things here and there for your W and see how she responds.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I called W this morning to see if she would like for me to bring her lunch, but I had forgotten that she only works until noon on Thursday. So I took a plunge and asked if she was interested in going out to lunch. She said sure.
My gut says keep thing to chit chat and regular conversation.
She grew up in a house with parents who gave her a lot of encouragement and admiration. I grew up in a house where you knew things were fine as long as my parents didn't complain or correct me. I am just not the kind to give a lot of verbal praise. I did try, and at times I really thought things were improving.
I have dealt with the same type of issues, but eventually stopped saying "I'm just not that way" and started thinking, "How do I want to be?" Our childhoods shape us to a large extent, but eventually, you can realize that you can step out of it and shape yourself.
Originally Posted By: professorjay
I want to be what she needs. I am not sure I can be. She said she wanted me to take charge and not ask her what to do all the time. But she is the one who knows what she needs. Now I am sitting here a week away from losing my wife for good. If there is anything I can do, I want to do it.
Again, I think I've struggled with the same thing, but many folks here have told me (and I agree!) that you can't make changes for your spouse...you have to make them for yourself. If changes are just a ploy to get W back, she'll see it, and things will likely revert back to the way they used to be, if she even comes back. And you know very well what she wants...it sounds like she's been extremely clear on it. Stop being timid....you are so worried you are going to upset her that you're not allowing yourself to act.
On the sex thing, we had a similar issue for a long time. I didn't want my W to think I just wanted sex, so I was never the aggressor. A few years ago, we really talked about it and I learned that it made her feel unattractive, unwanted....not at all the comfort and security I was trying to convey.
Lastly, on meeting up....I think I'd focus on fun, no expectations, no R talk (unless she initiates). Relax, enjoy it.
Our lunch was short because I had to advise some students. But I think it was good in some ways to have a time limit. We just talked about everyday stuff. I complimented her appearance; she has changed her hair slightly. We ended up talking about a rehearsal I had last night that included some friends she hasn't seen lately. She made a comment about wishing she could see them all, so I casually offered to take her to rehearsal with me if she wanted to go, expected her to say no thanks. She said yes. She chatted with people while I was practicing, and we had almost and hour drive each way to just talk about light stuff.
That isn't monumental or anything, except she seemed to relax around me more and more as the night went on. She has been very stiff with me for a long time.
Sounds like you played it right....keep it light, easy, friendly. Stay upbeat and happy, look good, and have fun. Keep at that...it'll take some time...patience is key (and I realize that is hard!).
