TIME for a change

[Broken74]

Thanks unbidden, you're certainly right I need to be careful. Something is certainly amiss however as her demeanor and attitude have taken a sudden dive when I have been nothing but nice to her and my SK. We have an executed separation agreement so I don't know what else she could come after me for. I guess the fact that I am no longer comfortable with the liability of my adulterous wife who wants a divorce driving a car I own may have set her off. The other part of it at this point is that I honestly do not want to see her face. I haven't seen it since February, given her actions, behavior, and attitude, why should I put myself through seeing it again.

I definitely need to concentrate on forgiveness. This is going to be extremely hard for me and this latest episode has set me back significantly in this area. She still verbally argues that she did not have an affair which is absolutely ludicrous. I can provide a mountain of evidence that proves this, which is why she blackmailed me into backdating the separation agreement to protect her and the OM. It is sickening to me that there is not going to be any justice in their behavior at all, and that I am the one left holding the financial wreckage from all of this. I am not playing the victim here, this is fact. She came in bankrupt and left debt free, I came in debt free and leave with 40k of debt to repay with nothing to show for it because she took everything of value from the marital home. Must forgive and let it go and have to figure out how to do this ASAP...

Looking forward to Monday to hopefully close everything out minus the signing and filing of the paperwork... Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[Vorlon]

Broken,

You have been on a tough journey. You have tried to DB but ultimately you have to do what works for you. I think you have learned some things here. But a marriage takes two people. Use what you have learned in your next relationship. Your current situation reminds me of my cars GPS, when you take a wrong turn or the GPS doesn't like you deviating form the path it states, "Recalculating". Now you are "Recalculating". It's all good, you can handle it. Time to move on.

Vorlon

[Broken74]

Thanks Vorlon, I appreciate your support and you're right. I'm on a new vector and know I will be fine and better off in the future as a result of this. Still is an extremely hard pill to swallow though. I feel sorry for my stepchildren, what they have been subjected to in their childhood is really unfair. Maybe one day she will grow to regret her decision making, or maybe not. That is for her to come to terms with and me not to worry about. I've got bigger fish to fry going forward. :-)

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks unbidden, you're certainly right I need to be careful. Something is certainly amiss however as her demeanor and attitude have taken a sudden dive when I have been nothing but nice to her and my SK.

I'm not defending her,

but perhaps she felt manipulated or that you were going to try to use her son to work your way back to her. After all, We know that was your original intent --- but Brit and others got you to stop thinking of SS as a way to your wife, or what to say to her about him, etc., and just be there for him simply b/c he needed to play catch...


We have an executed separation agreement so I don't know what else she could come after me for.

then you don't have much to worry about, financially, right?


I guess the fact that I am no longer comfortable with the liability of my adulterous wife who wants a divorce driving a car I own may have set her off.

THERE IT IS!!!...

geez THE OLD ANGER POPS RIGHT BACK UP THE MINUTE YOU DON'T GET YOUR WAY...see the condemnation returning--- and SO FAST?

and btw, you were never "comfortable" w/her driving while sep, but you had leverage...

and she pays for the car anyhow, so the only possible thing you could complain about is the possible liability (weak argument) or the credit ding IF she stopped making payments...so why not just get your name off the loan/title?

What's with repossessing it? Oh wait, I know, b/c That is the MOST you can do...so Why not Think about other avenues to protect yourself from liability--but without looking so punitive? I did not say "take on responsibility FOR HER"=== but please

at least examine why you went to the "Take the car away" route, FIRST...

What changed? Her driving? No.... Oh, I know why you want to stop being on the loan, b/c she made you mad...



The other part of it at this point is that I honestly do not want to see her face. I haven't seen it since February, given her actions, behavior, and attitude, why should I put myself through seeing it again.

I definitely need to concentrate on forgiveness. This is going to be extremely hard for me and this latest episode has set me back significantly in this area.

yes you do need to concentrate on forgiveness. Big time. It'll help YOU so much to DETACH, and forgiveness requires some detachment

and that is where I'd begin if I were you.

Plus the other reasons you mentioned, recently, about why you need to forgive her, all still applyl

BTW, Her latest action was curt. Not overly "rude" or mean, at least not to me. Just matter of fact and to the point. Not warm/fuzzy, I know. But she fears you'll read into anything more than that, I suspect.

Maybe once she heard about the baseball outing, she felt you were using her son for it. Not saying you were, but that's probably how it looked to her, given that you were not very involved with them, while married. (Per you).



She still verbally argues that she did not have an affair which is absolutely ludicrous.


UM, Who cares? What's the point of arguing this?

WHAT IS YOUR GOAL?

You think you can use words to undo the damage by actions done IN the marriage

and get her to see...what exactly? You keep forgetting ---she feels justified in reaching out to OM and in the past week,

when you had hope of a recon, you understood her reaching out to him...
Your anger is blinding you again.

Arguing to her about this does what? Shows her...
How "wrong" She is? NO, it proves to her the need to flee you.

What will that do for you? Remember this is not about being right...you really need to ponder that sentence Broken.

Forget the obsession with who is right, or who is wrong (b/c on HER scorecard, you lose)

...IT GETS YOU NOWHERE....


I can provide a mountain of evidence that proves this, which is why she blackmailed me into backdating the separation agreement to protect her and the OM.

I call BS.

1) LEGALLY IRRELEVANT - You're in a no fault state - AND EVEN IF YOU WERE NOT, THE KIDS ARE HERS, so the A does not matter b/c there's no dispute in custody.

2) Her "mountain of evidence" about what a lousy h you were would ....do what? Make her feel right! Stop keeping score b./c you use different scorecards and oh by the way

you are working on forgiveness...remember?

You demand or sure want forgiveness from her. Why not model it for her?




It is sickening to me that there is not going to be any[b] justice in their behavior at all, [/b]


wow....justice...(go to Africa and tell them about how UNfair YOUR Life is...)

Here's my real question...

does fueling your anger and festering in self pity & self righteousness, truly help you at all? I sure don't see the benefit....

it's one thing to drop the rope (which I urge you to do)

but this fuming you do, this working yourself up, is just unhealthy and it's something to learn about how NOT TO DO. Your anger consumes YOU and so it hurts YOU, not her.

Let her go and let the anger go...

and that I am the one left holding the financial wreckage from all of this. I am not playing the victim here, (really? Seriously?)


this is fact. She came in bankrupt and left debt free, I came in debt free and leave with 40k of debt to repay with nothing to show for it because she took everything of value from the marital home.


So, she forced you to...what? Hey, don't forget the choices YOU MADE and recently wanted credit for, the ones where you say you bought things to show your love for her by being a good provider,

and then ask yourself about where the responsibility for those choices really lies. Don't keep backsliding and pretending we don't post to you. Don't ignore what you don't like hearing...

if your legal rights were violated, take reasonable action. If not, then be quiet and learn what you can.

What do you think your ex wife from your first m would say about how SHE fared in that divorce?

You don't have to answer me or here, but think about it...



Must forgive and let it go and have to figure out how to do this ASAP...


Yes you must...

so, Turn your anger/pain AND marriage over to God--- and become the best man YOU can become.

Then, and only then, leave the results up to Him...

Once you have become a man only a fool would leave,

the man you were meant to become, then

hold your head high, behave with quiet dignity, strength and honor--- like the man you want to become would behave...

Looking forward to Monday to hopefully close everything out minus the signing and filing of the paperwork... Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[Denver_2010]

As usual, 25 is spot on. I know that some of it is tough to hear or accept Broken. Trust me, 25 let me have it more than a few times. Fortunately, or unfortunately, however, she is right more often than not. And I have to agree with her here.

Denver

[Broken74]

Thanks 25 and Denver as always I appreciate you! I am really struggling here and it will be obvious in my words.

You're probably right on my plans with SS, I'm sure she took it that way. I was not going to utter her name with him I just wanted to hang out, you're right she certainly would not have thought of it that way.

As far as the separation agreement is concerned, I looked and noticed that the copy she sent me in November does not have the final signature page. It was converted to a PDF via a business class copier yet the signature page is missing, that's not a little shady right?

I see your point on my reaction and my statements around the car but please look at my perspective.

You're right I'm angry!!! She has been cake eating for 8 months (granted I volunteered the act to try and make her happy--BIG MISTAKE IF I COULD GO BACK I OBVIOUSLY WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT this was before I found DB and this site). It's unlikely she would have been able to secure another car otherwise. My actions despite hers, have enabled her a quality of life (nice car to drive) that she could not otherwise afford herself. She said she is filing for Divorce, that's fine, that's her choice, as is being with the OM. Along with that choice goes all ties to me, one of which is the car. You are right I was angry based on her statements, but I don't think that anger is weighing into the decision to sever ties related to the car. If her name was on anything about the car this would not be a problem, the problem is her credit is wrecked so everything about the car is in my name. What kind of idiot is going to let his NOW CONFIRMED STBXW rolling around town in a BMW with OM in tow ENABLED BY HIM. She's been riding the gravy train for a few years now, no more, not me... If she could buy the car outright then the problem would be solved, but she can't. Her transportation or other financial woes are hers and OM to deal with now, not mine. Detachment 101 right?

Forgiveness is very hard for me to come by these days... One of things I did but shouldn't have done was to go back and map dates and her early conversations with the OM. I can literally map a day that she put $1000 of charges on my credit cards while she is describing our sex toy collection to the OM THIS IS BEFORE WE WERE SEPARATED AND PRIOR TO HER TRICKING ME OUT OF THE MARITAL HOME I BUILT FOR OUR FAMILY. She is talking about how she had a golf lesson and was surprised she could hit the golf ball. THE F'ING GOLF LESSON WAS FROM ME, HER HUSBAND. I know I need to stop this as it is self destructive and not doing anything but cause me to be angry.

You're right 25 there is no point of me arguing the affair... It is pointless... But you are an attorney right? WHERE IS THE JUSTICE IN THIS MATTER? There is none and there never will be... To make the decision to leave me is fine. To tell me she loves me and to sleep in the same bed with me while starting a relationship with OM while pounding my credit to the final available days is not fine. People will say I am playing the victim here but SHE ROBBED ME BLIND. I could post the chats and the charges here to show how ludicrous her actions really were if anyone would like to see them. YOU ARE RIGHT THAT THIS GETS ME NOWHERE AND I UNDERSTAND THAT BUT IT CONSTANTLY INVADES MY MIND AND DRIVES ME CRAZY. And I GAL everyday and am extremely busy... When I'm at work, it invades my mind. When I'm playing golf it invades my mind... I don't know how to make it stop.

Man I am angry... Forgiveness, Forgiveness, Forgiveness, I really to have to figure this out before I drive myself crazy. I understand you on the scorecards, her viewpoint is totally different from mine and just like I will never understand her perspective she will never understand mine. The difference is however, I can make a balance sheet of her wrongdoing with factual data. I was unfaithful to my W before we got married when we were dating, and I said some hurtful things to my wife during our marriage, and I could have been a more involved stepfather. I am guilty of these things, but aside from that I did nothing but try to make her and my SK's happy, overextending myself in the process.

"does fueling your anger and festering in self pity & self righteousness, truly help you at all? I sure don't see the benefit...." NO IT DOESN'T BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO STOP DOING IT.

but this fuming you do, this working yourself up, is just unhealthy and it's something to learn about how NOT TO DO. Your anger consumes YOU and so it hurts YOU, not her. Let her go and let the anger go... I AM TRYING BUT I CAN"T FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO THIS. I think part of my feeling is that I can't believe she is going to get away with this. The financial raping I have taken here really should be criminal... The problem is SHE MANIPULATED ME INTO SIGNING A SEPARATION AGREEMENT I SHOULDN"T HAVE SIGNED. I had an attorney and the equitable separation agreement we put forward made her flip her [censored]... She then played her role and my emotions by alluding to reconciliation and coercing me to sign an agreement that let her and the OM walk away from this nonsense scott free.

She didn't force me to do anything. She was bankrupt and her credit was wrecked so I had no choice but to deal with all financial burdens. I extended MYSELF 22k for HER on the basis that WE as a MARRIED TEAM would take care of that financial obligation. The same goes for ALL OF THE MARITAL SPENDING that we did together. The problem is she decided to bounce on the marriage and her share of the financial obligations. I LET THIS HAPPEN BECAUSE I WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO SIGN THE AGREEMENT SHE PUT FORWARD BUT THAT STILL DOES NOT MAKE IT RIGHT. MY LEGAL RIGHTS WERE VIOLATED BUT I SIGNED ANY HOPE OF MAKING ANY OF THE FINANCIAL MATTERS REMOTELY RIGHT AWAY.

What do you think your ex wife from your first m would say about how SHE fared in that divorce? You know 25, this is probably part of what makes me so angry. I WAS THE MORALLY WRONG ONE IN MY FIRST MARRIAGE. My W told me in bed that "if all I wanted was sex to go find someone". So I did. BUT THEN I DID THE RIGHT THING. I SIMPLY WALKED AWAY AND LEFT EVERYTHING TO HER. I know this doesn't make up for it but that was the only thing I could do to try and make things remotely right. She easily came out $150k or better to the good including the home equity. Then in this case, MY W HAD THE AFFAIR, TOOK EVERYTHING OF VALUE AND LEFT ME HOLDING THE BAG TO BOOT.

so, Turn your anger/pain AND marriage over to God--- and become the best man YOU can become. 

Then, and only then, leave the results up to Him...

Once you have become a man only a fool would leave,

the man you were meant to become, then 

hold your head high, behave with quiet dignity, strength and honor--- like the man you want to become would behave...

Thank you for these words 25, I really need them. I can't lie I'm probably more angry now than I have ever been. I have to find forgiveness in my heart somehow or else all of this is going continue to consume me from the inside out.

I pray, I talk to friends, I talk to my parents, I come here and vent and get help and support from you guys and everybody else on here. And yet here I sit wallowing as you say in anger and self pity, and the sad thing is unless I figure it out I will be feeling this way until the final debt is paid which will probably be 3 years from now.

I really have to figure this out, soon. And in the near term I need to figure out how to deal with Monday. Maybe the best strategy at this point is to do nothing unless she contacts me to follow up...

forgiveness forgiveness forgiveness forgiveness forgiveness
repeat x 1000

Thanks again for you guys feedback and listening ears, good luck to all in your respective sitch's.

[Broken74]

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”
― W. Paul Young, The Shack

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that that situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Everything I read about forgiveness makes sense, now on to figuring out how to do it and put this all behind me...

[heartbrokeinsd]

broken-

my man..what is goin on with you? you sound like you did months ago. so you were a dumbass and signed a sep agreement that didnt work out. big deal. why are you so mad? what happened to your anger management? i know you can do better than this. why are you letting the thoughts of her and OM ruin your day? you have known for a lon time it was happening. people have affairs, they lie about it, they decieve to get what they want. that is life. i never wanted this sitch. it hurt my pride and i let my pride get in the way. at first i thought it was getting in the way of R. it was actually getting in the way of me being ok. once i stopped putting my personal value on her, and focused on me, stuff wasnt so bad. she didt have an A to "hurt me" or make me look bad. in fact i think i had very little to do with it. her actions are not about you. let it go. acting all crazy makes her REACTIONS ENTIRELY ALL ABOUT YOU! you can do this man. trying to find a reason for this isnt gonna help. there is no explanation. you wont get the "justice" you are looking for. what do you think should happen? jail? take away her birthday? cmon man. the only "justice" is for you to figure out how to be healthy. that is what you deserve. dont settle for this self hate, feeling sorry for yourself crap. you cant change her actions. you can accept it for what it is and move on. change you. there is light at the end of the tunnel. start walking towards it and stop bouncing off the walls on the way. i know you can do this! if theres one thing i know about you, you are sttubborn. put it to work for you. make the decision to be happy with you. accept nothing less and use your stubborness to stick to it!

[Denver_2010]

Unless you figure this anger out, your name here on DB is going to continue to be very appropriate.

The anger will consume you as long as you let it.

Listen, I can understand the anger from how YOU describe the situation. But, even as YOU describe it, I think that it's important to remember a few points:

1) You married this woman. I don't know her at all. But the way that you describe her is not positive. Yet you married her. Your choice.

2) You helped her buy a BMW that you are not complaining about. Again, your choice.

3) You signed the separation agreement. You say that you were manipulated, yet, again, your choice to sign.

You keep making all of these choices for your life. When they don't go the way that you want them to, you look to blame someone else. Why do you keep making poor decisions? Maybe that's what you should be looking at right now.

We all make our own destiny Broken... the choices that we make, create the path that we travel.

Time to start making a different path for your life man.

[Broken74]

Thanks Denver, you're right man... I've had a very rough week and had a significant backslide. She really hadn't used the word "divorce" over the months, and the fact that she shot down getting together with SS and then following up with her statements sent me in a tailspin. At least I haven't contacted her to discuss anything further, she called me last night but didn't leave a message so I don't know what she wanted.

After thinking the past couple of days and reading about forgiveness, the only way I am going to get past this is to let it all go. Part of the problem is that I had optimism that things were going to work out in the end. The more I logically think about it and remove emotion from the equation, the more I see that I will better off going our separate ways. You're right on the root cause too. Nobody put a gun to my head to marry this woman. I knew it was going to be challenging taking on the responsibility of 3 kids. I didn't handle it well and hence everything broke down. I'm trying to frame it like a business decision gone bad or a bad investment. I took a financial hit based on bad decision making, it [censored] but life will go on.

I was very angry, I am ok now, and I know I am going to be great in the future. My next move is to figure out my living arrangements for the new year. One of my buddies took me in as a roommate since around the holidays it looked like things make a positive turn so I didn't want to set something up permanent. I'm looking forward to getting my own place and rebuilding, I have a knack for setting up a nice bachelor pad. My house is rented until March of next year, hopefully I'll be able to sell it soon thereafter...

As you said a lot of my backslide had to do with my pride and ego as well. I agree her current decisions and actions have nothing to do with me. Only she knows her true motivation for leaving me and that's no longer my concern since what's done is done.

My bad decision making is the root cause of all of this. Marrying her was a mistake, trying to get her back by putting her in her dream car was a mistake. I really did have to sign the separation agreement for fear of further legal problems, but again it was my stupid decision to contact her in the face of a legal order that put me in that position.

I have fully owned up to my shortcomings in the marriage and their effect on getting me here. You've helped me own up to my problematic decision making, something I certainly need to work on. I married her in the face of concerns about doing so from my family and friends who care about me, that was also a bad decision. I'm not going to lead with my heart anymore, if I had led with my brain instead I also would not be here. The bottom line really is that I made my bed, and now I'm laying in it.

It is time for me to start blazing a new path, and I'm looking forward to it. I'm working on acceptance and forgiveness and living in the moment for now. Weekend trip with some friends, golf home next weekend the a Pinehurst trip the week after followed by a week of vacation. I count my blessings everyday, this sitch has been my Achilles heel for the last year and I am ready to let it go.

Thanks again for the kick in pants Denver, I needed it after my blathering from earlier this week... 25 if you see this I am calmed down now you know I have the tendency to get a bit flustered :-)

Time for a new lease on life with a new outlook and a new thread. Everyone have a good weekend and good luck in your respective sitch's!