Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

Journal:
Doing some reading late last night....

I don't know how I stumbled on this last night but I'm reading "Overcoming Passive-Aggression: How to Stop Hidden Anger from Spoiling Your Relationships, Career and Happiness" and I think it's wonderful.

I don't think there was ONE thing for me to improve in my relationship with him. I'm not perfect but I was a good wife. I know everyone has room for improvement. He thinks I was controlling - so I am working on that. Not surprisingly, it's because a passive aggressive person seeks out a more controlling/dominant spouse.

I was reading about communication in the previous months. I will still try to do the process of validating, but communicating with a PA person is exactly what I've experienced. Silence. Just me talking. Then when he doesn't feel in control - he will act out. Reading about PA - when I am in contact with H, I am going to have to ask "

I'm not in contact with him. The Push/Pull makes sense now. He wanted to keep me at a distance so he never had to be vulnerable. Pushes me away - but pulls me back in just so he knows I'm still there. He pushed me away with the secret filing - but pulled me back in over the weekend.
He pushes buttons so he'd get a reaction (ie not communicating AT ALL, ignoring me... or making a comment - then backs off so I appear crazy as I start to escalate and become frustrated about not getting a resolution or feedback. And then comes in anger. <-- he then justifies it as if I'm crazy and my anger was unprovoked...
It makes sense.... I've told him several times: "you drop bombs and then walk away acting like you didn't. Leaving me to deal with the damage to S and me and wondering why I get mad at you, when you threw the bomb to begin with."

So now what:
I'm a logical person - logical arguments/discussion does not work. I usually use deductive techniques to get to the issue and resolution. There are other techniques I will start to practice.
I will start to ask "oh I see you feel x about y, how would you handle that?" and it forces him to have make a choice. If he doesn't answer then I will say: "It looks like you may have to think about it a little more?" and then I'm going to get busy doing something else. If I 'guide' him - it's controlling.

Now that I know this... It reframes my entire relationship with him. I don't know what kind of relationship I will have with him in the future. I DO know: I really AM NOT crazy. I do not have an 'anger' problem. Other people in this position have spent their time looking at what was wrong with themselves and fixing it. Reevaluating and fixing.

So I think I've analyzed H enough. I got it. I'm going to be setting up boundaries now. Because without boundaries, I see I compromise MY self.

I have my GAL stuff, I've got things I like doing. Friends. I'm not going to be treating every little breadcrumb of goodness like it's the whole cake.

We might not make it through this - but I'll be okay. I will feel sorry for whoever he gets involved with next though!