Be dressed good, smelling good, and "just headed out the door, can we catch up later?"
Perfect
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I am reading back on my posts, and I said "it is time to put my self on the pedestal", and you asked how I looked at women, and that by the hispanic culture we look at women in a different way, and ask me to be honest about it.
Honestly, I look at my wife (or other women) as to be my equal, not a step back, not a step in front. As I told you, I follow my Grandpa's example, he was a great man, a man of principles, a very intelligent man, without anger, and foremost a family man. I asked him once "Dad, what does Mom means to you?" She is my wife, the love of my life, and my respect for her is enormous, was his answer.
No, I do not see women, specially my W with the hispanic culture eye.
When I said I want to put back my self back on the pedestal, is my own pedestal. I felt from it a while back, and it is time to climb again to my place. To the man I really am, not this man I have become.
Thanks, Eric and all the others for walking with me thru this journey. A journey you guys once experienced.
Hi- i am trying to write to jack three bean. I just read a couple of your very "straight" comments to someone above. this morning i'm dangerously close to , well, something drastic. I read the mlc part of db - it was like a litebulb over my head.
now, year later- i wonder if the man i loved & met is just dead&gone. fact- we were happy(34 yrs) til he quit smoking - began cheating& computer lovelife(and retired!). (well-last 4 stinked in retrospect - his anger & criticism (I was toughing out- thought just his withdrawal & rough patch).
i wonder if you have a word of wisdom or way to stop and look back or forward or straight ahead or somewhere & recapture my perspective. i was SOO sure first off that he & what we had was worth any fight. I am pretty tired today. - maybe he's changed too much & i am wrong.
i am applying the db rules & doing okay- he continues his affair(s) and he would love to relegate me to an e-mail once a day, & seems perfectly happy with me detaching- i'm losin faith in his "inside guy" - maybe just my leftover pollyanna-ism?
any insights? i need somethin here rather badly
thanks if you see this and have something to say - nero
Well, things changed drastically over the weekend.
I did not have any contact with W thursday after I talk to her, she sent a text message on friday with a happy face, I did not answer that either.
I am living at my aunt's home. Friday, I went to sleep and at around 1:00 am, I heard nocking on the bedroom's door. I woke up and opened the door, W was standing on the hallway. She asked me if I could stay home with her, my answer was no. I tougth she was drunk because she smelled like beer. I did not asked any questions (STFU) and just listed to what she was talking. She said that after we talked on thursday and some advice from her grandpa, she decided to end everything with OM. She mentioned she did not contact him thursday or friday, but that he was calling her consistantly and she was not answering his calls. He went to W's house moments before 1:00 AM, and nocked. W went out to the door, and told OM that their R was over. This is were things changed drastically, SOB got violent, and grab her by the hair and punched or on the stomach and trew the beer at her. She did not scream, or did anything because she did not want her older son (he is 24) to get involved. The SOB, left and that is when she drove to look for me.
Now, so much for going dim on this one. She is now looking for the shelter that Denver was talking about, she was pretty scared. I spent the weekend with her, but did not push anything on her. I tried to keep my talks about anything else other than our R, and also kept from asking her about SOB.
She on the other hand told me bit and pieces about how SOB is. I STFU and just listened. She also told me about the advice her grandpa told her, I STFU and listened. She also talked about our relationship, and plans for the future, again I STFU and listened. She said she would like for us start rebuilding our trust in each other, for us to move back together.
I am pretty reluctant about doing this right away, I do love my wife, but like you all say "You probably be back in this forums in 6 months". I want to do things right and not screw things up.
Please, guys your advice on how I should handle this situation is greatly appreciated. Thanks..
I think you should take things slow. If I were you I would start by writing down what YOU need in order to feel that she is honest about how she feels. I would also take the opportunity to move back into the house. At the end of the day, in some ways it may be easier for HER to see the CHANGES in YOU if you were around more often.
I would also sign up for solution based marriage therapy.
Have you asked her if she wanted to work on the R? It is one thing to want you to fix this for her, quite another to recommit to you.
Good luck Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thanks man, I am pretty scared about everything going on right now. I do feel like going back home, W has told me that our talk made her realize who I really am, and that she really knows that. She told me that this past weeks she has realized that I am the only one that has given her real support, on everything, emotionally, financially and security. She told me she has seen some changes on me, and qualities that I already have that really made her think about our R.
I want to take things slow and not screw things up.
On your last question:
"Have you asked her if she wanted to work on the R? It is one thing to want you to fix this for her, quite another to recommit to you"
Last thursday on our talk, I mentioned that if she wanted to be with me she would have to stop her R with SOB. That is it, I have not pushed that agenda, that is one thing I have not done. On the matter that she might just be wanting me to fix this for her, is a pretty though question, Like I said I want to take things slow and pretty much digest and with a clear mind see what her deal is. Like I told you, she has mentioned that we need to regain the trust on each other, she has also mentioned about starting all over again. Before our split, we had wanted to buy new furniture, she has retaken that talk days before this weekend, but now is not about me buying everything, now is about the both of us saving to do that. She is now taking a more active roll in making things happen with both of us working on it to get the furniture.
I am not really sure if with this, I am answering your question if she just wants me to fix things for her, or that she is actually working on our R. I have to take things slow, for me it has also been real fast on the everything that is going on.
I will take your advice and write what is it that I want on our R. One more question how do you suggest I should approach W, and ask her if she wants to work on our R, or get therapy for our marriage?
One more question how do you suggest I should approach W, and ask her if she wants to work on our R, or get therapy for our marriage?
In terms of asking if she wants to work on the R.... I think the first step is to move back in. Moving back in does not mean that everything goes back to way they were per se, it means moving back in the house that you pay for. Once in, you can then monitor the sitch...see how she treats you. At the end of the day BOTH of YOUR ACTIONS should do the talking.
A couple of other questions....
1) Can you really forgive her? DO you know what that means and what that looks like? I would suggest reading some information on affairs and how to heal from them.
2) If you do not know what YOU need to give the R another shot, how will she know?
Finally, "how do I suggest I approach W"....Be YOURSELF. KNOW WHAT WANT. FACE YOUR FEAR.... KNOW that YOU and HER are worth your best. Give it your best man...that is all you can do.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
