New to separation. Am I doing the right things?

[Denver_2010]

Denver-

Oh hell, where do I start. Ahhhh, I know. I want to first thank you very much for your time and input, I really appreciate it. I don’t know if I can address all your questions in one post so feel free to ask again. As it stands, I am already pretty good at posting novels

you are welcome. I too am good at novel writing! No worries.

You asked me about my shortcomings in the M. Below is a paragraph from an email I received from W the other day. Her entire email is on page 12 of my thread. I think this will address part of your question.

“I don't want you to be miserable- I don't want that for any of us!!! Our kids deserve the very best parents that we can give them. I just know that unless you can be the family's financial rock and backbone every day, week, month and year from now until forever, that I can't return to what we had"

Well there ya go. She realized that the fairly tale that all you need is love doesn't exist. Security is a big thing for women. Not just financial, but also emotional security. The big thing is that they need to know that they are safe with their man.

You obviously have made her feel that there is no security financially in her M to you.

Can you tell us what caused that specifically?

You also made a comment about doing what works. Ok, I know being financially stable is important. Another thing that could really change is my W wants me to do more “acts of service”
...I think my small act of asking her if she wanted anything at the store struck a chord with her. Maybe it’s a “act of service” or maybe I was just being nice and it made her feel guilty, what do you think? That’s a tough one for me to identify.

We shouldn't try to mind read Rough. But...

Any sign of emotion means that there is a heartbeat. I always knew that I had a chance to save my M as long as my W was emotional about it. I didn't matter if it was sadness, happiness (which was rare for a very long time), or anger.

We know that we are in trouble when the WAS becomes emotionless about the topic of their M. Apathetic.

So even though we don't know why your W teared up, personally, I would mark that down in my journal as one very, very, tiny positive step.

Try and identify more acts of service (they are hard to find though) I can’t just go over to her apartment and start cleaning it up for her.

No you can't. All you can do is take advantage of the very brief encounters that you do have for your W. And for god's sakes, don't make it too obvious. Remember, whatever you are doing now has to be real. If she comes back to you, this has to be stuff that you are willing, and want, to do for the rest of your life.

Don't clean her apartment unless that's what you want to be doing for the rest of your life.

Keep it simple.

ONe of my W's top 2 Love Languages is also acts of service. One thing that I did during my S, when W and I were on good terms, was surprise her with her favorite coffee drink at work every couple of weeks.

But, I would only do it when I was in the area of the school that she works at, or if it was on my way to somewhere esle that I was going.

There is a difference between doing acts of service, showing W that she is in your thoughts, and that you want to make her life easier and happier... AND... Kissing her a$s.

I think that the latter is pretty transparent.

I would love to get her laughing. I don’t even know how to start with this one. Doing a kids drop off and then busting out a joke just doesn’t seem right. It would take a good amount of brainstorming.

Along the same lines, make sure things aren’t serious. I always smile when I am around her but I have a “somewhat all business mindset” when I have interactions with her, so this is another really hard one.

Just be light. Take advantage of the brief encounters that you do have with her. Just exude a happiness for your life (even if you are faking it). I'm sure that an opportunity to make her smile will come up. Just use it when it does. But don't force it man. Again, very transparent.

Denver