from the WAS to being walked away on

[strongerthanever]

Aj you helped me so much. That one question, do I feel justified with MY actions, man that was so deep for me. I felt stupefied, lol. Its like you took the book of knowledge and slapped me with it.

Now I see what 25mlc meant about keeping the mirror on myself. I kept posting the victim. It feels so good to put that down.

And yes I was selfish, and sadly, I now see that was nothing new for me. Always expecting h to reach out, heal, show me love.

I now see that I am not the only one that is hurt, that is scared, that needs healing. Just because I was the one who left doesn't mean I can't be the person to reach out and offer what is need here.

I do agree that it will probably be a while till I get a response, if ever. If I were in his shoes, I would be scared and unsure if what I read was real. I would need to know over a period of time. Not by words, but by my heart.

I won't lie, I was checking my phone for something, anything from him today in response. But more realistically, its not like I asked him if he wanted to get ice cream, this is a lifetime commitment to someone. That's huge.

communication needs to occur, but only on his terms when he is ready. I will not repeat my past behavior and play the blame game. If they're are things he wants to own up to, he will do it on his time. I'm sure I have just as much to learn about his perspective and I look forward to it.

No matter what happens I have just learned a great deal about selflessness in a r. I don't even think he knows how much he has taught me. I really geek st peace right now. Here's to the future....

PS AJ I have not understood the dedication of the vets to this board, even years after their situation has passed. It says so much of a stranger to stick around and help others. I really appreciate you and the time you have spent working with me.

[~ kd ~]

That was very, very powerful, STE. You may have no idea how many LBS are on this board who only wish to hear something like that from their WAS.

Allow what you wrote to sink in for your H. Anything could happen at this point...

or...

nothing could happen...

I truly hope you wrote that both as a forgiving release and an act of unconditional love...

and moreso...

with absolutely no expectations...

and move yourself forward... whatever the future may bring...

[strongerthanever]

KD,

My only regret about the email is that I was wearing liquid eyeliner at the time, bc tears (and my eyeliner) flowed for hours

It was real, and it was from my heart. It was also a huge first for me. Even a few days ago it seemed crazy to show my H TRUE love when I myself felt emotionaly starved.

What AJ said really hit me, and I began to examine the logic behind my thoughts. If everyone in this world opperated with the mind frame I was in, everyone would be out for themselves, putting themselves first. I don't want to live in a place like that. I much prefer to live in a place where people put others first.

I have to be honest, I had been reading in on other people's sitch's and applying their own concepts. But what is the point in a WAS going dark? What the heck does that show? I really need to just focus on myself and the person I want to be.

And I really do not have any expectations. I honestly have come to accept the fact that he may have his own list of reasons for walking away. I'm not the only one hurting here.

What gives me the most peace is the belief that I at least gave him what he deserves-an explanation, love, space and a start at closure (should he decide to D)

I had a feeling this would bring to life emotions and hope, and it did. However I do understand how destructive expectations can be and I see where they kept me running in circles in the past. I am refocusing on detaching from any outcome. As far as H, I plan on giving him the space he needs, while in the long run focusing on building a healthy new R at least as co parents. Realistic enough, I think.

Unconditional love is my true 180 and am grateful to have embraced it.

[tonibertha]

your letter brought tears to my eyes. he is lucky to have someone that loves him that much...

[strongerthanever]

Toni,

Thank you. I feel equally as lucky to have him to love so much. Whether it is reciprocated or not, it is still a beautiful feeling.

[strongerthanever]

Journaling...

H text and called several times about minor things today. This is a first after a while of not much communication.

He knew I planned to send him an email the night I did it. He casualty mentioned that he hadn't read it, but we all know what they say about not believing anything they say.

H received my bill from the toll booths a few months back. While he could have given me the information to pay it, he is bringing the letter to me in the morning.

All things considered, I see these as positive. I know, stay warm, do not force anything, be open to him and continue to remain detached from any outcome.

[AJM]

What gives me the most peace is the belief that I at least gave him what he deserves-an explanation, love, space and a start at closure (should he decide to D)

I'm impressed. Keep that focus and understanding for as long as you can, m'dear.

And for the record, I don't feel I did anything except ask questions. You did the work and you still are. Don't forget the things you've figured out no matter what. Those are the real diamonds created from the pressure.

No expectations. What you gave is a gift and as such, you have no control how it is or is not used...

Peace,

AJ

[strongerthanever]

Ugh-white flag-help

Completly unexpected blow up on H's end.

H is going out of town during his week with our daughters. He does not have enough $ to buy them a ticket, so they must stay, and he asked me to watch them. An extra week with my girls? Um yes!

Here's the thing, an extra week with my girls means the added expense of $200 for their evening daycare plus $50 for their Monday night sitter while I'm in school. I told H that I would be more than happy to watch the girls for him. I also brought to his attention that by doing so would I have to pay $250 in expenses. He told me that he could pay me $150, and that was it. He went on to tell me how he wouldn't even have any spending money. He even suggested I skip class so that I wouldn't have to pay for their $50 sitter. (I'm in an accelerated program, each class is 5 weeks; you miss two classes and you are dropped from the program) Is he crazy? Didn't say it, but thought it.

I was getting upset, but kept myself calm. When he quieted I stated that I would be happy to help him, but on the condition that he cover the expenses that I would incur. I told him that if he decided he wanted to proceed to let me know. I was 10 min late leaving for work and told him I had to go.

He began to yell at me, telling me how selfish I was. I didn't know what to do. I just felt hurt honeslty. He was yelling about how I can't stop him from going on his trip and then hung up on me.

Why? I know, focus on ME, on MY actions. But dang, really?

There is a difference between putting your partner first (which I realy have been trying to do here) and allowing yourself to be used/taken for granted. All emotions aside, demanding that someone do you a favor and come out of pocket $100 just to help you crosses the line in my book.

Am I wrong here? Honestly.

The fact that I am really hurt tells me that I need to do a better job detaching and dropping the expectation that my email changed anything. Thought I did that. Guess not.

Geeze why is it so easy for him to get angry and act out in crazy ways with me. I've never seen him act this way with anyone else...? I know, stop focusing on him. Just venting here. It is obvious that he is still on that roller coaster and I need to jump off and walk away from it.

Damn. I was prepared for silence but def not this I need someone's perspective that isn't clouded with emotion.

[tonibertha]

I haven't followed your sitch from the beginning, so pls forgive me if i ask something that you've addressed in an earlier post.

This are the options i see:

- Swap weeks rather than do an extra one so your expenses stay the same (this can only apply if your routine is the same from week to week)

- Use the same sitter as your H if his is cheaper

- Do the week as extra and get him to give you the remaining $100 later, or make it up to you financially by watching your kids during your week (as a babysitter)

Hope this makes sense...

[strongerthanever]

It does, and i appreciate your input

Problem with using his babysitter is I work night shifts, and she is not open to that option.

I do agree, there ARE other options out there and I am more than willing to be flexible to work with him. He didn't want to take them earlier or later (swap around weeks) bc he would not have the $ to pay for their sitter at that time. <----yeah, I don't get that one either.

Totaly open to working with him. It does, however, require another (RESPECTFUL)solution oriented person.