Piecing - Round 1

[GH31]

I would not classify my W as being remorseful.

Mine was not either. Interestingly, a wayward spouse doesn't actually need to be remorseful in order for the couple to rebuild. What has to happen is the affair has to end (by end I mean zero contact), withdrawal/grief be completed and for both parties to get real, the WS to come clean about details the BS wants to know, for both parties to enjoy each other again, plus the passage of time. LOTS of time. At least two years.

In yours and my case, Denver, where selfishness, neglect, anger and verbal abuse were issues, we need to permanently address these behaviours and ensure we never commit these marital crimes again.

If the A is really over and all required details are known, no good can come of mentioning it again if a happy marriage is our goal.

None at all.

I think that she does recognize what OM was for her... as she put it, he was an 'escape' for her from the problems that she was having with our M and the other problems in her life. But she is very adamant that she did nothing wrong because she left me first, moved out of the house, and we were not 'together'.

Heard it all before. Word for word.

Try as I might, I cannot get her to see that we were married the entire time and what she did was wrong.

Please don’t try and “get” her to do anything. In marriage we have to negotiate outcomes rather than strongarm our wives or husbands into doing something or adopting a point of view. Otherwise we store up resentment and chaos for later which is always bursting to find an outlet.

But I realize that it is a matter of perspective.

Good.

W did consider herself emotionally divorced... she was moving on with her life believing that our M was truly over. I will never win this argument with her. I do need to accept that.

You won’t and it’s great that you see that.

By the way, it’s only an argument if you and Mrs. Denver bring it up, lock horns and do battle over it. Otherwise it’s simply a difference in your respective points of view. A difference whose relevance grows less with time.

The other thing that has happened since i last posted is that W has notified the owner of the music company that she works for that she will no longer take gigs that OM is on.

Mate, this is huge. The fact that she herself is taking the initiative to end contact. Mine did not do this. OM dumped my W when it became apparent she was pregnant with my baby. In the end it was conversations I had with OM that persuaded him to change all his numbers, email addresses and call the police to make sure W wouldn't hassle him anymore. My Mrs. left OM to come back to me but still wanted contact with him and to keep the fantasy (addiction) alive. As you can imagine this was a big deal breaker for me and her ego was severely damaged from being thrown on the sh*t pile.

I think that it is huge too. It s*cks on the financial side of things as she has already given up about $2,000 in shows that she was booked on for the remainder of the year. But, like I told her, our M is worth more than any amount of money.

You’re right. Have you ever lost money gambling, or bought some piece of crap that you later wish you hadn’t bought?

The pain doesn’t compare to when you lose your Mrs, right?

Wow GH... one of these days I'm going to have to go back and read your threads. It sounds like you've been through hell. Congratulations for hanging in there and making what you wanted a reality.

LOL! Really? Well, there are quick links to all of them at the beginning of my piecing thread.

The trauma has passed, but the memories are still there. I truly think that I have post traumatic stress from some of the things that I experienced.

Well you probably do.

I know I did. In fact, my W and I lived in Berlin when all hell broke loose and we only had each other there. I absolutely craved normality again, craved going back to Australia and the simple, everyday, quotidian things of home. Things like going to my local RSL club, listening to the music of slot machines in the background, hanging out with my friends. I didn’t feel the need even to participate in conversations, being around them was enough.

Then I started getting panic attacks every lunchtime – I think this lasted a year or more and my mates all said that I “wasn’t myself” or a “shadow of my former self” and I really was. I couldn’t work either, I could show up there, but my performance compared to before was appalling. I did a lot of reading about what soldiers returning from battle experience psychologically and I ticked most of the boxes.

I do hope that it all fades with time. I am fairly confident that it will.

Our personal recoveries are a little different from our marital recoveries although the two are linked. Other than cease the affair and answer any details we want to know, there is not much a cheating spouse can do about our personal recoveries. It’s like if we had a bad childhood. Mum and Dad might not have done the right thing by us but if we want a life worth living then that is up to us alone.

Again, Work + The Passage of Time is the formula for getting through trauma. I found Michele Rosenthal’s story and material priceless in this regard. I would never have got through this without my friends either.

Quick question for GH, Jack and others who have reconciled with their wives after an affair...

Did you feel that everything that you experienced with W prior to your 'situation' was tainted by what your W had done?

No, not at all.

I look at pictures of our 8½ years together before all of this started and feel just the same as I always did. Sometimes I look at pictures taken when we were younger and I regret very much that I didn’t have the skills, knowledge or wherewithal to take care of her properly and be a good husband. I didn’t have many good role models in this area growing up and wish I had done differently.

There aren’t many pictures or reminders our bad time now, probably the worst one for me is a picture at W’s sister’s house of the baptism of W’s nephews and nieces. That was taken the day after W came back from seeing OM.

I imagined the picture just then as I typed and felt a vague ”That’s not a pleasant thought, GH31” go through my mind but not much else. Nothing like the harrowing thoughts and feelings which would have suffocated me a few years back.

The journey never ends, Denver. The scenery changes and you find yourself walking with your W along beautiful beaches and breathtaking mountain tracks instead of crocodile infested swamps (in the metaphorical sense) but it’s never “done”, never complete.

GH31