Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

Thank you Kat.

Unexpected turn of events...
We have an offer on the house (good)
H has wanted to get this house sold, and was willing to split the remaining amount owed with me.
Got a call from the sheriff's office - process server is looking for me today. I saw someone out taking a picture of my car earlier this morning. Thought it was odd.

So apparently the week of the 15th came and went last week (what is happening on that week!?) and he decided he needed to go down and do this and didn't say a word to me for 7 days about it. (I did ask him and he said he had a manager's meeting. I told him that I had been journaling and every 15th or around that date, he either calls me to yell at me about divorce, or he moves out, files, moves out again and files again). My interaction with him last week now makes sense.

What that means is if the processor actually finds me - the house sale will not be able to go through in my state until the D is done.

I called H and talked about the house. Then said "so did you do anything last week? because I got a call from the processor looking to serve me. Serving me means we can't sell the house until the D actually happens". He then got upset/angry and said 'well then as soon as the house sells, you need to go take care of it. YOU didn't take care of it last time and it's been well over 90 days." I did not handle this interaction well. I cried. So much for 180s. I did not yell, scream or anything like that - but I said that I was trying to give him as much space/time as he needed rather than just rushing through a D. He had told me several times earlier he was miserable and I told him on the phone: "you say you are miserable and I've been very accommodating to you during this time. You haven't even fully experienced what it is like to be divorced and not have full access to our home, our tv/internet, and you see your kid ANY time you want - rather then on court appointed days." Nor does he care about how good some of our interactions have been. Or how he has been in/out of my house as he pleased. Or how he wanted to initiate sex this last Sat and Sun despite me trying to not talk to him. Even this Wednesday, he asked me questions about a computer, told me the news, his plans, and asked me mine. Much more interaction then normal.
H told me that he doesn't 'feel' anything, about 'anything'. He just wants to be S(5)'s "Friend". I said 'you mean "FATHER" right?' Talking to me on the phone upset him because he couldn't 'deal with it' and he hung up on me 15 times. He got mad and said didn't understand why I was acting blindsided (again). AND didn't want to talk about it. He just wanted to read his book. I did say "you tell me on the phone that you don't want to come home (in Feb), and then you act like you want to be around me, then when it comes down to it, you went in last week, redid the work, lay down with me on Sat and Sun like you are interested in me, come over every morning early, make me breakfast, talk to me normally yesterday, and then ask me why I'm blindsided!?"

Allegedly he is going to call the court and get it rescinded until the house goes through (we will see if he does that). Otherwise I've got a lot of avoidance to do. And I don't feel particularly like hiding out - but I can't afford the house by myself for much longer either. Of course he wanted to help me negotiate the sale yesterday with no word about how he restarted this process.

I'm over it. I'm angry and I'm disappointed. I give up. I don't want to be friends with him either. I'm upset because I don't know him, and I really hate this version of him. I feel he is selfish and I've never known him to be like this, which makes me sad - but he said that about himself last month. I really wanted to be married to him because I loved him and he adored me and yes, all those dreams of the three of us living in one house, interacting as a intact family - upset me. That is gone. It's dead.

I stopped by where he said he would be so I could get the house paper signed and faxed because it was due by 5. (He lied about which site he was at when I asked because he didn't want me to 'create a scene', which I never have before...) I talked to his coworker who I knew before (and she knew that we were separated) but I tried to not talk about H - just her baby and my kid. H called panicky... 7 times, and was messaging her asking if I was still there or was heading over.

I went to the site he finally told me he was at. He accused me of trying to create a scene by taking the long way around the building and taking my time when I left because I did park far away. (trying to relax, deep breaths, avoid any extra interaction with him was what I was doing) I didn't have anything else to say to him other than to get the house paper signed and turned in. He called me, panicky after I left, and accused me of still hanging around the building (nope) because he couldn't hear my car driving (yep. I was sitting in a parking lot not at his work - trying to finish my breathing and relax, avoid rush hour, and go pick up S without the extra stress).
He said I was making a scene... (I wasn't there...)
He said I stressed him out.
I said "I'm sorry that I stress you out. That is not my intention. Nor would I be interested in creating embarrassing scenes for you. I'm sorry if your perception is that of me, but that's not me. I don't gain anything by that - other than you would hate me. And I'm not that person."

And unfortunately I needed more papers signed without a scanner, so I had to go back (with S). H tried to engage me normally and when I only answered questions about the house, or smiled at what S was doing without commenting, and I only answered questions about S, H said 'Oh we can't be cordial?' I said: 'It wasn't cordial what went on today.' Maybe not the right answer...

Mission now: Kat's advice full speed. No more talking. At all. Kid and House. I thought he was coming around slowly by initiating talk about other topics. A ruse. He's going to be miserable, he's going to sigh when I don't respond other than a smile and as if I'm talking to a stranger. I was nice for 4 months and jumped on conversations if he initiated, or if he seemed more friendly. Like an idiot.

He is going to fully experience his new future now and I need to go dark for my own sanity. I'm leaving the house first thing in the morning tomorrow, and then on Sat/Sun I'm gone - with no communication to H. I've got the deadbolt locked now - no more walking in when he pleases - because I need to leave when he does that. He had that for 5 months. It didn't help. He will not stop at anything until he gets his D (and then we can 'remarry' as he says..ha.)