Need help with detaching and hoping to reconcile.

[greatwhitenorth]

You, my friend, have had a wicked hard couple of years. It's a shake up on top of all that, most certainly.

But you are strong and the pendulum is swinging back in your favour (though it might not seem that way now), and there's a lot of really strong, caring people here. You will be up and you will be down, but in the end no matter what the outcome, you will be OK.

Calm blue ocean.

[lillystillinlove]

Off to MC. Nervous. Move out postponed to tomorrow. Breathe, accept touch, compassion, NO EXCUSES. ***SIGH***

I'm sure you will be hearing from me soon.

[lillystillinlove]

Well that was not good, really not a good day over all. I seem to continue to hurt him, not even knowing that I've done it. I reminded myself to remember what he's going through and breathe. I tried "No Excuses" but I think one or two got in. I'm soooo confused, he fully admits that any decision I made or make would, in some way, be incorrect causing him to get angry, thereby justifying the way he's acting (my opinion). Our MC T got a huge dose of irrational reasoning from H today. H absolutely refused to think rationally about an event that angered him today. Nothing would budge him from his position. If asked, I would elaborate on the situation from my perspective when, but I tried not to make excuses. The overall problem we discussed boiled down to H feeling as though I am purposely undermining he relationship with our son by not giving him information or encroaching on his plans. I see how he could feel that way and for the first offence I apologize but didn't own the perceived the wrong doing. The second one of the day, I don't know how things went so crazy. He took my concern about pick up of S, (I was trying to cover all the bases) and then flew off the handle.

He also feels persecuted (my word but you get the idea) by our MC, he stopped seeing his IC for me, I had expressed concern that his C was pushing him toward S or even D. My concern was based on information he provided. I didn't want him to stop IC. I suspect it was an excuse to stop, I think this is all too much emotion for him right now.

I'm at a loss on how to proceed. I don't know how to not elicit anger in him, every decision is some degree of wrong. I feel paralyzed.

Is this type of behavior common? Has anyone experienced this?

I mentioned he's here tonight but moves tomorrow and the weekend but in stealth mode... ummmm this just occurred to me, H and S share a very close bond. These perceived offences are around our S. He's moving out tomorrow. Could the two be related? Maybe he feels as though he's abandoning him and he sees what happened today and a few weeks ago as me trying to hurt his relationship with our S? And the lights turn on, wow. Well, now what. How do I ensure he know that I am not and would not do such a thing. I'll probably screw up but I would never purposely set out to hurt his relationship with S. Any opinions??

On a side not I'm 2/3 through "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking about it" Thanks for the recommendation, it is very enlightening, I've been trying to look at our situation in the light this book shines. Very enlightening, I was amazed at how so much can related to those feelings, it seems so simple. This information will definitely help me with compassion and no excuses. Off to continue reading.

[lillystillinlove]

Hi All, Here is what happened after MC. He called about dinner I said I hadn't thought about it but gave him several options. He's still angry after MC, he sighed and angrily said whatever figure something out for yourself. Stayed away for a few hours. When he got here he still seem pissed but it was a simmer and set it aside to focus on our son. While that was going on there was some interaction, nothing to indicate he had mellowed. The interaction was focused around S. Some barbs on his part, I didn't bite, but I wouldn't have before all of this. As it got close to bedtime for S, I made my way to our room (he hasn't slept in bed with me for quite a while) for the remainder of the evening to allow him space. After that I was writing last nights post and was hungry so I went down to grab a snack, when he saw me it played out like this:

H: What's up? (pleasant tone)
Me: I'm hungry so I'm getting a snack.
H: What'd ya have for dinner? (pleasant tone)
Me: Same as S but I wasn't really hungry then.
As I'm leaving H: What did ya make? (still pleasant)
I show him but my heart is racing I go back to our room.

This little tete-a-tete was a little ritual of ours. If I made a snack or drink for myself we would have this conversation and he would have a bite or a sip... Something I didn't realize was missing or that I missed. Why did it happen? Would that be a "man way", in this type of situation, of saying I'm no longer mad. I'm over what happened today?

Then today he calls to see how our S did with drop off at school
H:How'd S do this AM?
Me: Fine
H: Did you talk to his teacher?
Me: No, he wasn't outside where the kids line up to go in so I did see but hung out with other parents
H: So you haven't met his teacher yet?
Me: No I met him yesterday morning and spoke with him in the afternoon. He said S is adjusting well.
H:Oh. What time are you taking S to TKD?
Me: I'm planning on 4 but can change it if needed to 5.
H: No, just tell me what time, I'm going to try to make it but don't know if I can.
Me: Ok, 4.
H: OK

End of call, all in a pleasant tone.

I wish I knew what was going on here and I'm trying hard not to read into anything. Is he being nice because he knows it will be a hard day for me? He gets his place today. Does he realize how absolutely crazy he sounded in MC and trying to make a change? Is he just feeling a sense of relief because he gets his place today and feels less stress?

AAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!

Breathe... what was the other thing? Oh ya, no expectations.

On a GALing note, I finally met a mother of one of the kids S goes to school with (seen her for a few years just never met).

We both have our kids in a new school and are very excited about it. She seems very nice, very up beat and very friendly ( she hugged me before she knew my name). A little weird for me but it was a very exciting morning and the good vibes were flowing. We plan to exchange number and get together. I'm not great at this and have very few friends locally. The one girl I know is nice but I think we are both "hard to get to know" people, I did take the time to chat with her yesterday. We'll see what happens with the both of them.

Other GAling efforts, One of the things I though of doing is being more involved in the school thing (not really something I terribly enjoy) for my S sake. We want the best for him. Still not back to running, still losing weight though, Down 47 so far and trying for another 15lbs. I'll be able to fit in my wedding dress again, good thing because I may need it! It hard to find time to run with work and being primarily responsible to S schedule and keeping the household running somewhat smoothly, domestic tasks not my forte', it's a good thing we have some one in for the heavy lifting every other week.

side note: If you are wondering, H has 2.5 jobs, he manages our properties and he is very hands on (he the maintenance guy too), he just picked up a "regular" 9-5 job a few months ago that is extremely stressful (more stress doesn't help our sitch at all). And is the president of a non-profit (doesn't pay and is for local artisans) that takes up a chunk of time. So no he really doesn't help with house work, but he has recently begun to do laundry, at least getting them started. But prior to the last job he got, I was a little resentful that he did participate more in the domestic, and right or wrong, I felt I was a facilitator for his life. When I think back and try to see his side I understand that he saw me, wallowing in my depressed state, doing what it took to scrape by. Not interested in anything. Feeling that at least she doing something even if it is just the dishes.

Lastly, I will be signing up for another painting class. I love this. H always encouraged me to do this and I tried once but it fell short of what I hope. Now that I've got a few classes under my belt I really want to continue.

I hope someone can provide some feed back or insight into the male psyche.

[lillystillinlove]

Are my posts too long? I'm thinking yes but I'm having a hard time condensing it.

[lillystillinlove]

I think reality may be setting in for H. I received a call this evening so he could ask me about a mattress we have stored. He wanted to know what size it is.

He's moving stuff into his apartment today and this weekend.

To myself I'm thinking, does it really matter the size? Did you really just call me to ask me about a mattress?

To him I say it's either this or that, very similar so it shouldn't matter.

He asks how S is, what's he doing. I gave him the rundown and asked H if he wanted to talk to S. H says, I don't know. I wait. On the verge of tears he says I'm not feeling very good (meaning not happy at all). I say nothing then a deep breath for H, then he says I gotta go. I say ok, simultaneous byes.

No mind reading but I think I have this one... our S. He's not happy about this, he's going to alone, miss S a lot. At least that is what he'll say if asked. I won't ask. I will have no expectations.

I hate that he's hurting so much but may be this is the push he needs to start figuring out what he wants to do. But I have no expectations that it is.

[labug]

I'll make this short-detach.

You are hung-up on everything he does or says and that will make you crazy and keep you stuck. Let him go, really. In your mind, let him go. Drop the rope.

Be nice to him when you interact. Don't react, respond.

Make this time about becoming the woman you want to be, with or without him.

Live life as if your marriage is over.

Work on you.

[Breakdown]

Live life as if your marriage is over.

Work on you.

That is great advice for all of us. Thanks bug!

[lillystillinlove]

Labug, I looked back over the last few posts and I see what you are saying. I am hung up on his every move and word. Act as if the marriage is over, that is tough, I know what you are saying is correct but just thinking about it scares the crap out of me.

Ok, off to re-read the 37 rules. Maybe even put them, my GALs and goals on my phone. Have them handy always.

Thank you for shaking me out of that whirlwind of hopeful sadness. I'm sure it will happen again so be ready...

Last thing, One more GAL I want to add. I have a few friends (mutual to me and H) that I've spoken to about this sitch. I will stop all dicussion with them. Not fair to them and this forum provide advice that will actually get me somewhere healthy. Not let me wallow in my own sadness. These friends are very supportive but they are good friends to all parties involved so I think it is best to not drag them into it.

[Arsene]

Hi Lilly,

Hang in there. I'm sure it must be tough but you seem to have a great attitude. You say that you hate to see him hurting and I'm sure you do. It can't be easy to see the person you love in pain. But look at the bright side, with this pain must be a lot of uncertainty and the way I see it, that's good coming from a WAS.

Frankly, I wish my W showed a bit of pain as well. Sometimes it feels like she's totally indifferent about our sitch and our R. It's almost like she's made up her mind and there is nothing to make her waver. It's also good that he initiates conversations. Again from where I come from that's a sign that he's not totally gone.

I hope the move isn't too painful for you and S. Take care and be strong. Your S needs it.