Hi, all of you

[ericmsant2]

AA

Do not hold anything back,

I won’t. I am not here to be your friend. I am here to pay it forward bro.

I do want to grow, and be a better me.

Remember these words up there ^^^^. Repeat them to yourself every time the anger comes or the feeling of uncontrollability or doubt or guilt.

Oh, one other negative I need to change. I need to learn how to STFU and listen. Really, need to learn how to STFU and listen, again, I need to learn how to STFU and listen.

”NEED” or WANT? There is a difference…. I want a new car – I don’t NEED one. It may seem like I am just picking on the “words” you use, but I wanted to share with you my thoughts on the difference and why it is so important.

Denver has given me that advice, and again I need to STFU and listen.

Yep.

It is pretty hard as you are saying being around her

I know man…I know. I lived with my XW for 18 months, while she was with someone else. It was the hardest and yet best thing that happened to me.

I know the hurt brother, I know the pain to look into there eyes…I know the feeling of hanging on to every word they say, every action they do….hanging on looking for something. Feeling like…Oh if she said Hi she must still love me, etc. It will get better AA, but you need to step away from her for a bit. DB tactics are so counter intuitive they really are. You need to let go in order to let HER come back.

I am struggling with my emotions and want to have them under control.

That is why DETACHMENT is so important especially right now. The real hard part is detaching in a loving way, detaching in a way that you let her go and really focus on yourself. It is a process buddy and you are new at this. Give yourself a little break.

Dude, I want to show you something…..

I feel disrespected when things are NOT said straight forward

“disrespected”…… you feel disrespected when things are not said straight forward. Think about that for a second….why would you feel disrespected if someone ELSE was not able to as straight forward as YOU want them to be.

Notice YOU want someone ELSE to be a certain way towards YOU. Reverse it for a sec….should the other person feel “disrespected” because YOU are not the way THEY want you to be?

AA, you cannot change, control or manipulate another and EXPECT everyone to be the way YOU want them to be. Being an ex control freak…I can tell you that a lot of time the ROOT cause of controlling behavior is OUR OWN INSECURITY. OUR own FEAR is another big driver behind controlling behavior. The reason the controlling behavior is applied is so the the control does not have to face HIS or HER FEAR nor deal with their own insecurities. A vicious cycle bro….vicious.

The cool thing is that you can change it. YOU REALLY can CHANGE YOU.

Another thing I want to point out is what I see as a “macho man attitude in you”. I can see it, even though I think you do a real good job of trying to hide it. Your comments of “come strong”, “take my nuts back”, “I will not be disrespected”, etc is a macho man attitude, which IMO, is your attempt to hide you own fear and insecurities (at least for me it was). You can go tell me to F myself but once you stop being pissed off, think about it...can you see it?

INSECURIY = FEAR
FEAR = CONTROL
LOSS OF CONTROL = FEAR

A vicious cycle papa…a vicious one.

I personally much prefer….

CONFIDENCE = PEACE
PEACE = HAPPINESS
HAPPINESS = CONFIDENCE

I have screw things royally with W today

Hmm…as I suspected (cause I have been there) REALTY and FEAR set in. YOU just realized that you may have totally F this up and you are now chitting brinks that she may say F it and go forward with OM.

Here is what I can say….1) a lot of people do what you do and at some point it is EXACTLY what you will need to do – just not now. 2) Get over it and get over it NOW. You need to put this behind you and trust me I know that right now you are probably having another convo with her in your head. You may be replaying the whole convo again and trying to determine what exactly you would SAY differently next time. My advice…..for NOW…forget it. Stop thinking about it….cause hopefully you will not say more than a word or two to her for the next few days.

I love my wife and do not want to lose her,

Do you love her enough to let her go? Let her go just for a short period of time.

is by regaining the trust in my self.

TRUST or CONFIDENCE…..(the real kind…not the one that someone else or something else gives you)?

I know I am not supposed to get in communication with her and if we do, I should say as little as possible and just listen. I am going to be strong about this, but the little things that I might say, what should they be?

“what should you say”? I don’t know…how is “Negra por favor, tráeme una cerveza”. Just kidding. Seriously, you can be civil and short. A simple Hello and Goodbye is fine. Keep it light man, don’t let her suck you into a big conversation. She may want to in order to see where you are…but stay a little mysterious, let HER realize what she is gonna give up.

Oh…and just so that you know…I too believe in God. Just remember, He knows what is best for us EVEN when we do not.

Now please dude...relax and try to have a good night.

Peace,
Eric