DaddyLongShanks - thanks for your perspective on cheating. I've always gone with the philosophy of 'I wouldn't like it to happen to me, so I won't do it to anyone else'.
I totally get where you are coming from, I wouldn't be able to trust someone if they cheated on someone to be with me, cause I'd be thinking, 'why wouldn't you do that to me too'. Plus, I just wouldn't want it on my conscience, knowing how it feels to be on the receiving end.
Chatterbug - sometimes it really does need to be simplified like that. For example, the consequences of me not making our relationship issues a priority, led to the actions of my wife's affair and her checking out of the relationship.
When I was given the bomb(s), I wasn't strong enough to enforce any consequences for her actions. I tried to justify everything she did by blaming myself and only myself for her actions.
Today that fog has lifted, I am no longer dependent on my W for happiness, love or friendship. I'm remembering who I am, who I was and what I want to be.
Yankee - thanks for the 2x4 about resentment. For me it is the continued lack of respect for me, by keeping on dancing with the OM when she knows how it makes me feel.
I'm not saying it's something I would never be able to forgive her for, but it's definitely something I can tolerate no longer in my M.
I've been doing some more research into D in the UK and it [censored]. It'll cost me £340 about $500, just to file - that's before any legal representation.
The way it works in the UK when young kids are involved is that the Wife pretty much gets everything and reasons for divorce are irrelevant.
I'm not worried about signing over the house and any equity - just as long as she draws up a will stating that the house gets split 50 / 50 with the kids and noone else.
I'm more concerned about a judge determining how much of my future earnings and pension I'll be legally bound to hand over.
I'd pay my way for the kids - but I need to make sure I'd have enough of my salary (future salary) to live on.
Just the financial side is scary, that's before even considering custody
I think my best bet is to try and get some advice before I start the ball rolling.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
DaddyLongShanks - thanks for your perspective on cheating. I've always gone with the philosophy of 'I wouldn't like it to happen to me, so I won't do it to anyone else'.
I totally get where you are coming from, I wouldn't be able to trust someone if they cheated on someone to be with me, cause I'd be thinking, 'why wouldn't you do that to me too'. Plus, I just wouldn't want it on my conscience, knowing how it feels to be on the receiving end.
Chatterbug - sometimes it really does need to be simplified like that. For example, the consequences of me not making our relationship issues a priority, led to the actions of my wife's affair and her checking out of the relationship.
When I was given the bomb(s), I wasn't strong enough to enforce any consequences for her actions. I tried to justify everything she did by blaming myself and only myself for her actions.
Today that fog has lifted, I am no longer dependent on my W for happiness, love or friendship. I'm remembering who I am, who I was and what I want to be.
Yankee - thanks for the 2x4 about resentment. For me it is the continued lack of respect for me, by keeping on dancing with the OM when she knows how it makes me feel.
I'm not saying it's something I would never be able to forgive her for, but it's definitely something I can tolerate no longer in my M.
I've been doing some more research into D in the UK and it [censored]. It'll cost me £340 about $500, just to file - that's before any legal representation.
The way it works in the UK when young kids are involved is that the Wife pretty much gets everything and reasons for divorce are irrelevant.
I'm not worried about signing over the house and any equity - just as long as she draws up a will stating that the house gets split 50 / 50 with the kids and noone else.
I'm more concerned about a judge determining how much of my future earnings and pension I'll be legally bound to hand over.
I'd pay my way for the kids - but I need to make sure I'd have enough of my salary (future salary) to live on.
Just the financial side is scary, that's before even considering custody
I think my best bet is to try and get some advice before I start the ball rolling.
Bill
Sounds like you realize the actions speak louder than the words. You will not continue to enable the self embelishment and disrespect when she knows how much pain it causes you.
If it was a male friend who put you in the same position you would let him go on about his way, maybe kick him in the ass on the way out.
Never really thought about it from that angle, 'what if it was a male friend doing this'.
If it was a male friend, there'd be no kids involved and I could cut them out of my life completely.
When I first found out about the OM I wanted to hit him, but when I rationalised the possible consequences of that action ( ie record not being able to teach), weighed up against the work I've put in I stopped myself.
No matter how bad you think you're getting screwed over, the kids have got to come first and i'm lucky I guess that even though I hate the situation, I still get on with my wife, I still get on with her well enough to be friends.
That's a good thing IMO, no matter what type of R I have with my W in the future, whether it's as husband and wife or co-parenting friends.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
Never really thought about it from that angle, 'what if it was a male friend doing this'.
If it was a male friend, there'd be no kids involved and I could cut them out of my life completely.
When I first found out about the OM I wanted to hit him, but when I rationalised the possible consequences of that action ( ie record not being able to teach), weighed up against the work I've put in I stopped myself.
No matter how bad you think you're getting screwed over, the kids have got to come first and i'm lucky I guess that even though I hate the situation, I still get on with my wife, I still get on with her well enough to be friends.
That's a good thing IMO, no matter what type of R I have with my W in the future, whether it's as husband and wife or co-parenting friends.
Bill
As a male, I make the analogy as the significant other being a male and it makes it much easier to see if your being taken advantage of and whether you should tolerate it. Somehow under the guise of "love" we tolerate these actions. I'm starting to wonder if "love" would perform these actions. Actually it is "love", "self-love"...
What I did get on this board is to understand how females tend to look at the situation. Cheaters and non-cheaters. It kinda helps you with detachment.
After all the crap WE have been through in db-land, I'm sure most of us would just want someone who:
1. Doesn't lie to us ( or severly ) 2. Does not cheat on us 3. Does not take advantage of us 4. Does not allow others to take advantage of us 5. Loves us, even when we don't have much 6. Someone who wants to meet our needs as we meet theres.
Chatterbug - sometimes it really does need to be simplified like that. For example, the consequences of me not making our relationship issues a priority, led to the actions of my wife's affair and her checking out of the relationship.
I find this to be interesting.
Was it "our" or was it "yours" or was it "hers"
You know lack of communication goes both ways.
And in no ways does it lead to OM.
I see it as an issue that she did not understand the long term plans of yours with teaching.
That she did not explain to you in a way that you would understand her concerns.
That you two ended up putting the schooling and children first.
Her stepping out was her choice.
It was a consequence of her poor boundaries and decision making skills around the opposite sex.
You know she could have done the following.
"Bill. I am really concerned about us not putting a priority on us. I know that the schooling , children , work and chores are a priority. But I feel that we have lost touch with each other. I would like to start making us a priority again. We need to schedule time as a couple so we can rebuild our romance and our love for each other. This is not to compete with all our other priorities but to ensure that we both know we are important to each other. I am going to lead in this area until we are both comfortable with each other again. If we cannot work this out together then we will go to counseling to help us. Do you understand what I am saying to you? Please explain it back to me."
See that is an option she could have played out. No OM. Being open and honest with you. Leading on an issue she has. So it can be worked on and resolved.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Thanks Chatterbug - just to clear up what I thought DLS was saying was to picture if it was a guy putting me through all this and (i hope) hypothetically you'd feel like kicking his ass.
I was explaining about why I wouldn't do that and used the OM as an example of why I wouldn't jeapordise my future like that.
Right now though for me, I have no income until September and I owe quite a bit of money out as well. I'm looking into legal aid to help me with this, but over here the legal aid system is geared more towards women (like backing the favourite - back the woman in divorce 99 times out of a 100 you get paid out).
Worst case scenario if after D I was a financial mess, I could move in with a friend or my sister whilst I saved up - depending purely on what my financial situation would be with alimony.
Logic has superceeded emotion for me in all this now.
The custody, I wouldn't have thought would be an issue and would go for a 50 / 50 which would be fair on everyone all round. (as fair as it could be).
I don't know how alimony works in the states, but i'm guessing it's a percentage of your wages.
So much to look into on this - I will try and get some free advice ASAP, before I weigh up how to go about this.
Thanks for checking in and giving us good advice
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
Seen your post after I'd replied to the previous one.
Quote:
I find this to be interesting.
Was it "our" or was it "yours" or was it "hers"
You know lack of communication goes both ways.
And in no ways does it lead to OM.
I see it as an issue that she did not understand the long term plans of yours with teaching.
That she did not explain to you in a way that you would understand her concerns.
That you two ended up putting the schooling and children first.
To be fair I threw myself into Uni and could have made more time to spend with my wife. But her way of dealing with it was complaining about everything and pushing me further away - and we just drifted.
I would say things like, 'i know it's crap at the moment with all this studying but it'll be worth it for us'.
I guess my wifes way was a textbook cheeseless tunnel approach which she exhausted herself with.
If my wife had used an approach like you suggested, I'd like to think I would have recognised how important it was to work on my marraige. I'll never know, because that's in the past.
But I agree, it was no excuse to have weak boundaries and her actions (continuing) make the possibility of any R that much harder if we both wanted to give it another shot.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
In future you know now that you have to deal with complaining.
There is complaining and there is bitching and there is addressing problems.
Going forward you now know that communication is the key. And that not all issues need to be addressed that moment. Some times you can think about it and respond in a day vs shelving it. Even realizing that you are allowed to have your own gripes and can communicate on them.
A tough lesson we both figured out do to this lovely event in our lives.
But your 34 so this is a great time to learn this.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Yeah, nothing like finding out something the hard way.
Communication is so important in all our relationships, friends and family included.
The bitching thing is funny though, because I used to have a hard time figuring out why we couldn't just fix something that could so easily be fixed.
You know the silly stupid things that would annoy you where in your head you'd be thinking, 'you don't say a word when something you wanna watch is on TV, but when I'm watching something, that's when you start bitching (usually about my family as well)'.
You wouldn't even notice if it was a coincidence, but when it becomes a habit
I should have been listening, validating and letting my W enjoy her bitching session instead of trying to fix something they didn't want to be fixed.
But you're right about this lonely event being a good lesson, 'cause if this hadn't have happened to me, then I would never have stepped back & found myself - I was on a fast track to become one of those goober dads, who let their wives buy their clothes and embarrass their kids without even trying.
I've got my kids, friends, family, running, cycling, a teaching career and a new chapter with or without my W to look forward to in my life.
Thanks Cutter
I'm glad I'm learning this now at 34 and not in my senior years
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
