Hi, all of you

[ericmsant2]

AA

IF I were to tell you NOT to touch a hot stove because you would burn yourself do you think you would still touch it?

I confronted my W, and as Eric is saying, I am not ready yet.

Okay you know you were not ready but did it anyway. Know why? Here is why….

Still, I could not stop my self

So let me get this straight…..YOU cannot STOP YOURSELF BUT YOU EXPECT HER to believe you have changed. Hmmm….how would you feel if the role was reversed?
AA – you CAN stop and YOU can CONTROL YOURSELF. YOU CHOOSE NOT TOO. I understand that right now you are emotional and that everytime you see her you struggle – I get that. Don’t give yourself anymore excuses – IF you do not want to confront her DON’T. Period. A lot of times we blame the other person for OUR actions, a lot of times we tell ourselves “I couldn’t”, “had to”. Excuses, excuses, excuses – Don’t fall victim to your own excuses man. You can do better. Now don’t go beating yourself up – learn and keep moving forward toward making positive changes in yourself.

that I am will not tolerate any of our behavior

This statement appears to me as if YOU are TELL HER that you will not HER behavior. You can’t control her – Maybe next times consider your statements so that you only speak about you and your behavior – less about her behavior.

I told her that I knew she was with other man

Were you there? Or did you “think” or “feel” she was with OM. I have a funny feeling you “feel” like she was with om. I would suggest not saying this as if they were a FACT…when they really are just what you are FEELING.

I told her to be true to her self and ask her own self as to what she wants. I remarked that she is not respecting either of us, and that it needs to stop.

“I told her”…yeah you told her alright….you told her that she was not respecting herself…you told her that it needs to stop, which in other words was telling HER what to do. A subtle difference but a difference that she may have (and I don’t know her) interpreted as telling HER what to do.
AA, as Jack said you are new to this and maybe I giving you too much to process….
Stop TELLING HER what to do and if you are gonna say something (FTR, I suggest that you learn to STFU) you can explain to her what YOU will NOT accept FOR YOURSELF. Let me give you an example…..”I understand that you (insert her name) have made choices for yourself, I do not agree with those choices but I will respect them and accept that this how you choose to live YOUR life. That said, I will not accept in my life the following (insert whatever) as they are not good for ME.
Can you see the difference?

Your conversation with her appeared (based on what you wrote) to be laced with self sacrifice, guilt, control and passive aggressiveness. Why would I say that?

1) You will her and OM blessing? Hey maybe you are a better guy than I am but I wish that the dude would go the F away. So IMO, you wanted her to FEEL like you are the “better man” by telling her you are blessing them. The better man, IMO, would have said as little as possible.
2) “And whatever the outcome it would be for the better”. Are you chitting me…the outcome may not be for the better. Why would say that? Will it be better for you to lose the women you love. Better for the kids? Com’on man be real. It MAY be better but is that what you want?
Did you listen to what SHE said to YOU or were you reveling in the fact that you were feeling like you took your nuts back? Cause if you listen to her (CAREFULLY) you may have heard her confusion.
She told you that she was scared (the issue she has), she said that he was buying a house for her (probably to try and make you jealous, which is good thing in a way), she said she could END it anytime (i.e. leaving the door open). My take (and FTR, I am no professional and I do not know her) is that she is confused and wants you to fight for her. So what does fighting for her mean and how do you do it?
I have already said it…but I’ll say it again…
FOCUS ON YOU and BECOME the BEST man you CAN BE.
How does one do the above? YOU learn to communicate, you learn how to be HONEST with yourself, you learn to LISTEN, you change the chit about yourself that YOU want to change.
YOU LEARN to STFU …translated “shut the XXXX up”
How? You keep your mouth shut. This allows you to LISTEN to her.
YOU LEARN TO RESPECT YOURSELF
You do not need to announce this with words…no your actions will do it.
Hey I have to go make dinner now and then jump on a conference call……so I’ll check back tomorrow.

I have a lot more to say..but I want you to really think about your actions today……So do me a favor…DO SPEAK TO HER IF you can. I’m not saying hang up on her….I’m saying take sometime for yourself today…if you do have to speak or see her a simple “I have a lot on my mind right now” should suffice.

Peace