Hi, all of you

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Who says I didn't get back? ; )

I'm paying forward brother.

[doubleAA]

Man, you are an awesome guy....

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Well I ain't no Keith Stone...but I try, and thanks.

[ericmsant2]

AA

I have been reading your thread, pretty intense

And what you are reading is what I posted….. That said, I will repeat this to you….what you have in front of you right now is a GIFT. The GIFT of TIME. Use it wisely.

1. I get angry real fast, and I do not know how to control my
anger and it scales to a rage real fast.

The good old latin temper. I know it well. It and I used to be good friends. The only way that I think one ever learns to control it is by understanding the ROOT of ones anger. So, are you angry because you have an EXPECTATION of what your R should be like? Are you agree because in the latin culture, it is a total no no for a women to be sleeping with someone else? Are you agree because you feel like you are NOT capable of being “the man” as defined by our culture? Think man….why are you angry? Are you upset because of your past family sitch? Okay…so you know you are angry…WHY? What are the causes of your anger? What triggers it? Sorry buddy more homework.

2. I am pretty stubborn and more than often I do not agree with
other people's opinions when I believe I am right.

“stubborn” as you defined is that you get pissed when people do not see your point of view – right?

So let me ask you a question. Why do YOU feel that everyone has to agree with your point of view? Why does it matter (exception being where one is a total as*hat – for example. I am stubborn and therefore get angry when I no one agrees that I believe the sky is green NOT blue”. This example would IMO, make you an as*hat. Another example would be…..where you believe that what you want in your life is peace and tranquility and taking long walks provides that – in this example, if someone else disagrees with you – why get angry. It is a CHOICE YOU MAKE FOR YOU and DOES NOT rely on ANYONE ELSE to agree. Another example is “standing”. You can CHOOSE to stand for your partner as LONG as YOU want. No one, not me, not J3B, not Mr. Bond, no one should have to TELL YOU HOW to or for HOW long you stand. That buddy is up to YOU.

3. I am very controling with W.

Define controlling. Why are you controlling? Give me an example. Psst….early on when you have a partner that wants out they will make you FEEL like you were control when in some cases, you were not. So give me a few examples. More homework.

4. I am impatience.[/qout]
Most people are. Hell I can still be sometimes…..what do you do when you are impatient? What negative result from your impatience?

[quote]Man, is very hard to see the negatives from my own perspective. I am going to have to ask my family members on this

Yep – hurts like a b*tch when you look inside and start to see crap about yourself that you do not like. It doesn’t help when you are carrying around guilt for your failure in a R or when someone else who is trying to JUSTIFY their actions pile more guilt on top. Look man, one of the biggest things that you will need to do asap is to FORGIVE YOURSELF. The second is to begin to figure out WHO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE and WHAT YOU REALLY want to CHANGE about yourself. I can’t tell you what changes to make and who to be; otherwise, you’d be me. So get ready buddy you have some WORK to do.

Oh an why do you have to ask your family? Why not figure out what YOU do not like about YOURSELF first. Piece of advice, trying to make every happy will never make YOU happy. You and YOU alone are responsible for YOUR happiness.

The good things I see in me:
1. I am doing better in controling my anger.
2. If I know I am wrong I can admit it, and ask for help.
3. I am learning patience.
4. I consider my self to be a good friend to anybody.
5. I am coordial with everybody.
6. I do not drink, do not smoke or do drugs.
Well, on this I guess I did a little bit better, but still need to go back and ask my family about it.

That’s it? Damn dude…you don’t feel like you look good, smell good, are smart, etc.? Comon’ dude, I know this list could be longer and YOU do not need your family to tell you what is good about you.

1. I love cars. I have a 89 Formula 350 that needs restoration
and would like to restore.

When you are done…feel free to ship the car to CT. LOL. Just kidding. What is the plan to start the restoration? When are you gonna start?

3. I want to start mountain biking.

Hold on they have mountains in Texas? LOL. Seriously, replace “want to” with “I will on X date” and watch how your attitude changes.

4. I like to draw, it has been a long time since I have done it.

So do I. I actually drew a picture of Jack 3 Beans and posted it but I was banned for it. LOL

5. I like to travel.

When is the next trip? What are you doing toward achieve this goal?

Why did I beg? Good question, I felt we could fix things if I was still at the house.

These ^^^^ are not the greatest use of the word I. In the above it seems like YOU thought that YOU could Change/Fix her. YOU can’t.

Good thing I did not stay, or I would have continue with the destructive behaviour instead of starting the healing. After I left the house was when I started looking for help and came across DR book, from there this site.

I like these better….the I’s about YOU.

Still, there is that part of me that keeps on looking at her.

If you want to stop looking at her…I’m not sure how you do that and still sleep with her, then again I guess some positions allow one to not see the face  but I think you get my point.

Like I told you I am pretty stubborn, and will use that stubborness to help me put my self on the pedestal. I know I want to do it and will do it.

“pedestal”…hmmm….why the use of this word? Do you think you are better than her? Do you think that she was suppose to play her role as “women”? Be honest dude, I’m Rican so I get the whole how we latin men were raised thing and I know how that play a role in how I looked at women. The good news is that YOU can change it!

Why did I say, I did not want the truck back? again, I was trying to be responsible and yes, for her to see that I do care about her.

“HER” what about YOU? What about caring about YOURSELF?

Again, detaching is my weakness at this moment, but I am working on it.

IMO, NO SEX with partner who is sleeping with someone else = step one of detachment.

W has told me little about OM, just that he is "very attentive with me" and that he has asked her to move to is place. W has not accpeted that and is actually looking for an apartment. Again, I am trying to be responsible and protective of my family.

Hmmm….you are in a tough spot dude. I’ve been there. Okay so how does one show someone else that they can be “attentive” yet still detach. Hmmmm…..I think the answer lies in knowing oneself. You see, the key is that you need to RESPECT YOURSELF first before you can really RESPECT anyone else and right now, I’m not sure you RESPECT YOURSELF yet. That my friend, is probably the result of a ton of things….a result of the programming and tools you had and were given as a kid. So as I have said before, the focus should be on YOU and who YOU want to be – once you have that down pat, well then the “attentiveness towards her will come”.

Infidelity Vs Me GALing, yes it is a tough cookie to chew. And honestly I am feel that GALing is more to my benefit.

That’s good. Cause as someone else mentioned….while she is with OM, she is not going to want to work on YOUR R. So what is one to do in the meantime? WORK ON YOURSELF. BECOME A MAN that YOU LOVE and that every one LOVES and wants to be around.

I grew up with my grandparents in Mexico.

What part? Mexico City. Had a friend that used to work for Banamex and then worked for Finamex.

My real dad just decided I was not his son and that was pretty much until I turned 16.

HIS Loss – remember that! Also, realize that your dad leaving was NOT YOUR fault. FTR, my dad left 20.00 bucks on the table and disappeared when I was a few months old. To this day I do not know who he is although I think CADET may be him. LOL Just kidding.

I just received some great advice from Denver2010, and everything he posted I am the opposite of that. I did not listen to her, did not make her feel special as often as she wanted. Neglected her emotional security, neglected to be a safe place for her to trust.

Denver is a good dude and an inspiration – just remember, that everyone of us has a different story, different sitch. Similarity – yes but we are all our own people. Learn what you can but remember this is YOUR LIFE. No one here, myself included can tell you what to do.

Still, she is with OM, and playing me for a fool.

DO YOU think you are fool? Did she call you a FOOL? NO ONE can make you FEEL like a FOOL EXCEPT YOU.

Yesterday, she stopped by my work because she wanted to see me, later during the day she stopped by my place to take a letter, and honestly that was just an excuse to see me.

Hey what am I thinking right now? I bet you do not know! STOP trying to read her mind and interpret everything she does. You might be surprised to know that she may NOT even be thinking about you.

Both times she was very nice and affective and still calls me by the love nicknames she has always called me. These were like 5 minute moments.

Why wouldn’t she be nice? Think about that for a sec…. As a matter of fact do me a favor and list out a few reason why should would be mad at you.

Today, she sent a text message in the morning to say hi, again she drop by work today to see me.

Did you respond? If the answer is yes – then did you really read the DR book.

We were on the parking lot and by mistake she dialed OM number. He said "hello" and she just hanged up. He called her back right away, and she did not know how to react. She asked for some space to answer the call.
Man that really pissed me off, but it was more about my self than anything else. I am now feeling really stupid because I am cattering to her, allowing her to have the best time of her life while she has all my support.

AA, you are in a chitty spot dude, cause although I want to unload on you, your not ready yet. So I’ll be gentle here……..

You say you want to detach yet you answer her calls, allow her to see you at work, pay all the bills, make everything really nice for her…that is just wonderful – I swear I want to cry when I think about just how SWEET you are with her. You have made the changes to do everything she has asked. Great. Has it yield any results? Does she have a reason to miss you? How can you focus on yourself when she is always around you?

Please, guys, any specifics on how to confront and tell her about OM.

You don’t need specific on how to confront cause you are not ready for it. Nope. You male ego and pride are speaking as is your anger. Anger that she is F*ing someone else and you know about it. What YOU need is not tools for CONFRONTATION.. You need tools to detach for a bit. Tool that will help you avoid her. You need to take some time to heal and let her be for a while.

Someone who I have a lot of respect for once said to me this……

What does a LION do when it is HURT? It steps away from the pack and heals itself. When it is stronger, it comes back to pack. HEAL yourself AA and then we can talk about CONFRONTATION…..so be patient…cause trust me YOU WILL CONFRONT her….just not yet. Now is not the time.

FTR, by waiting and I am not saying that she is RIGHT sleeping with OM. NOPE. She is wrong PERIOD. I also am not suggesting that YOU “take it”, “accept” her sleeping with OM. Nope. I am simply saying REST, GATHER your STRENGTH, FIGURE you OUT….and then let the LION come OUT when you are ready.

I CONFRONTED MINE. I WAS NOT READY…..so TRUST ME….FOCUS ON YOU and DETACH.

[doubleAA]

Ok, here I go again.. Wife stopped by a couple of minutes ago, and wanted to talk about the phone incident with the OM today in the morning.

I confronted my W, and as Eric is saying, I am not ready yet. Still, I could not stop my self and did it and let her now that I am will not tolerate any of our behavior.

I told her that I knew she was with other man, and that I did not believe any of the things she was saying about her having sex with me only. I told her that I knew she was spending most of the time at OM place and when she would go see me it was right after her been with OM. I told her to be true to her self and ask her own self as to what she wants. I remarked that she is not respecting either of us, and that it needs to stop. I told her that on my part, I will not accept any of that. She told me she does not wants to lose me and that she is really scared of losing me. I told her to stop saying that, because I was only her plan B, when everything else with OM has cooled off.

I told her I would not have sex with her anymore as long as she was with OM, that I would not disrespect my self that way anymore.

Now, more of the same crap from my part. I told her that I pray for her and this guy everyday, for God to bless them on every necessety they have, and for this guy no ot get hurt. Also, that I pray for this guy to walk away. I told her that I am working on forgiving my self as well as forgiving her.
I told her that her decisions were hers to make, and no body else, and that wathever the outcome it was going to be for better.

She told me OM man is already buying a house for her and ready to make a life with her. She told me that things with OM are going really fast, and is not what she wants. Again I told her that it is a decision she needs to make. I told her about the "for better or for wort" and told her that I have already lived the for "better" part and that now I am living the for "worst" part. She said this is not what I want, it is to fast and do not want this. I told her, ok, look back at our selves, how long did it take you to be with me, she said 3 days.
Now, you are having doubts about your relationship with this guy going too fast. You simply do not love him.

She told me I can end it right away, and be with you, but I am afraid of been alone again, or that when we are together you would not want me back. Again, I told her, I am not your back up plan, is either you live this guy and for us to fight for our marriage or is not. Her eyes got wet, and said I need a lot to fix on myself and left.

Now, from here is picking my nuts back and hold to the decision I just made.

Please guys, do not hold anything right now and give me your support, and advise, hard advice...

[doubleAA]

Eric,

Regarding my anger, It is not that I am angry all the time about something or something that happened to me. What triggers it is basically because I can not control the outcome of things. I get frustrated and then, raged. Like I told I have been working on this for years with the help of God. I have come to kill many of my demons. One thing that always bother me was my biological dad, I would see him every once in a while when I was a kid, and spent every other summer with him. When I turned 16, after many years of not seen him, I decided that the relationship I wanted with my Dad was my choice and not his, so I made a trip to see him. Funny how things came down. I did not have to start the conversation, it was him. He said he wanted to give me his last name, I said that it was good for him to have started the conversation, but that the answer was no, that I already have a last name, but I told him, that I respected him, and love him as a Father, and that wathever he did in the past was forgiven on my part. I told him that it was not his choice to have my relationship with me, because it was my relationship with him, that if he wanted to have a relationship with me he would have to man up and create one. He cried and hugged me. From that time we have the best father relationshi we could ever have. With all this happening right now, it is been teaching me to be humble.

With my biological mom, the relationship has always been mother to soon, I love, respect and trust my mom. She is the first great news God gave me in my life, up until today I can not believe how lucy I am for having her as my mom. With my grandparent, who I call Papa and Mama, man again, very blessed by God, without them I would be somebody else.

I am going to stop this right here.. Something drasticall happen just minutes ago an I have posted that firts..

[doubleAA]

A little bit more of what just happened. When she told me that she was scared of me going back to the same. I told her, you know what I have been thinking a lot about it, and I am not as bad as you picture me, yes there is stuff that is wrong with me, but it is only knee's high, from there up I am a great person, and you know it. The only bad thing is that you are only focusing on the wrong aspects that I have. I told her, that it will be the both us working to have a different relationship. She was completely quiet, and wet eyes.

[doubleAA]

I am reading what I wrote and there is paragraph that does not makes sense of what I wanted to say, it seems I am talking about me.

"She told me I can end it right away, and be with you, but I am afraid of been alone again, or that when we are together you would not want me back. Again, I told her, I am not your back up plan, is either you live this guy and for us to fight for our marriage or is not. Her eyes got wet, and said I need a lot to fix on myself and left."

This paragraph, is about her telling me what that she can finish her R with OM right away and be with me, but that she is afraid of me neglecting her once again, or that when we are together I will walk away. Again, I told her, I am not your back up plan, is either you leave this guy and for us to fight for our marriage or is not. Her eyes got wet, and said that she needs a lot to fix on herself, and left."

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Are her fears valid AA?

You're kind of new to this, so... why shouldn't she be afraid of you going back to old ways?

[doubleAA]

I get your point Jack. But I would say, that it is something she needs to figure out and see if I am the person she felt in love with.

And to answer your question, I am new to this but I do feel confident about wanting to be the one she met 10 years ago.
I know it sounds that I just want to do this for her, but is actually also about me. I do not like this me, I do not like this feeling on my chest. Yes, I am working on my self also, the GALing I have been doing has helped a lot and has me recovered some of my self esteem.

I am a believer of God and fearful of Him. Today, He wanted to let me know exactly what is going on with W and OM. It is my guess God gave me the opportuniy to let W know my feelings and also for her to be put on a perspective. My W is the kind of person that needs guidance on many stuff otherwise she would dwell on a situation forever without making a desicion. That is why I told her that she already knows me, and that my promises are almost always met by me. Again I told her that she has known me and that I am way better person than what she is picturing me.

God bless you all, am Me.. Specially Me, I need his wisdom, and thru you guys, He has been giving it.. Thanks..