I have been reading the on-line community and I think I’m ready to write and read my own story.
I’m a wife, 23yrs, 4 kids, youngest is 18yrs. I’m 45, H is 52 and deep into a MLC coupled with life long depression & self-loth. I pray my situation isn’t to extreme.
For 3yrs now (since the economy drop) it’s like H lives in a mirror. Every gentle, faithful, caring, loving, patient God fearing, belief he has ever had is opposite. The anger is the hardest wall I face. He surprises himself how deep the anger goes. A year ago he had an A and is still friends with OW because she’s a 50yr old alcoholic with mental issues. He finds comradery in her crazy world of friends and freedom in the fact that nobody works or has responsibilities. Home is a constant reminder of his failures, (house is too small, we don’t own a boat, equity loss). H says he worked for nothing because now we can’t buy our bigger house. H says he needs to get far away as to not bring this family down to the dirt with him.
His MLC is so anger and self hated driven that he sees everything with those eyes. We’ve had the blame “if he didn’t have a family the money he makes would be plenty”. We’ve had the “I had an affair because you just didn’t do it for me” We’ve had the “I want a divorce because single guys do what ever they want & don’t have answer to anyone and live better". It the whole grass is greener on the other side syndrome.
H took his love for me the kids and the best part of himself and put it away & now he is a shell (his words) he’s not an H, not a father, not a son or brother. It sounds like he loves us so much that he can’t live up to his own expectation. But, I hate saying that because I don’t want to sound like he’s actually doing a good thing.
As for myself I have asked him to leave several times. At his request I have “let him go”. I had the papers to sign the car to him and the house to me. We yelled and I cried and did all the wrong things until May when I got smart and got quiet. He never moved out…never stopped being helpful around the house…but did stop taking care of himself. My silence confuses him and he knows I’m not unaware, but I don’t show my hand anymore. I love him too much to yell at him all the time.
He is dirtying up my SUV, gaining weight, growing out gray hair, smelling bad, smoking, and hanging out with what he calls the lowest life of people and OW “friend” who is ugly, vulgar, and very very abusive to him. I guess there is no golden rule that he was supposed to improve himself and go younger. But he sure is noticing and telling me about the changes I am making for myself. But, I need more, H is not that easily changed. I’m going to need the works if I want to save my marriage and give my kids back their always quirky but loving father. Please, anyone share your story of how you handle everyday with such a character as I am eager to learn and make change. Thanks Dmarie
Explain to him that he's seeing things by "their" eyes. It's the incorrect viewpoint and if he could talk to himself now before he went into it, he'd think he went crazy. Find a way to get him that message. I know it's blissful being ignorant, but it's stupid.
