MLC with depression....double the fun!

[albamarie]

Thanks Cadet! That sure is quite a list. But, i'm up for it! Keep the faith right!

[albamarie]

Today I hired a worker to do some of the construction my H quit on as well as us.

Not sure how he will like being replaced at his own specialty, but life CAN go on without him.

[DaddyLongShanks]

I have been reading the on-line community and I think I’m ready to write and read my own story.

I’m a wife, 23yrs, 4 kids, youngest is 18yrs. I’m 45, H is 52 and deep into a MLC coupled with life long depression & self-loth. I pray my situation isn’t to extreme.

For 3yrs now (since the economy drop) it’s like H lives in a mirror. Every gentle, faithful, caring, loving, patient God fearing, belief he has ever had is opposite. The anger is the hardest wall I face. He surprises himself how deep the anger goes. A year ago he had an A and is still friends with OW because she’s a 50yr old alcoholic with mental issues. He finds comradery in her crazy world of friends and freedom in the fact that nobody works or has responsibilities. Home is a constant reminder of his failures, (house is too small, we don’t own a boat, equity loss). H says he worked for nothing because now we can’t buy our bigger house. H says he needs to get far away as to not bring this family down to the dirt with him.

His MLC is so anger and self hated driven that he sees everything with those eyes. We’ve had the blame “if he didn’t have a family the money he makes would be plenty”. We’ve had the “I had an affair because you just didn’t do it for me” We’ve had the “I want a divorce because single guys do what ever they want & don’t have answer to anyone and live better". It the whole grass is greener on the other side syndrome.

H took his love for me the kids and the best part of himself and put it away & now he is a shell (his words) he’s not an H, not a father, not a son or brother. It sounds like he loves us so much that he can’t live up to his own expectation. But, I hate saying that because I don’t want to sound like he’s actually doing a good thing.

As for myself I have asked him to leave several times. At his request I have “let him go”. I had the papers to sign the car to him and the house to me. We yelled and I cried and did all the wrong things until May when I got smart and got quiet. He never moved out…never stopped being helpful around the house…but did stop taking care of himself. My silence confuses him and he knows I’m not unaware, but I don’t show my hand anymore. I love him too much to yell at him all the time.

He is dirtying up my SUV, gaining weight, growing out gray hair, smelling bad, smoking, and hanging out with what he calls the lowest life of people and OW “friend” who is ugly, vulgar, and very very abusive to him. I guess there is no golden rule that he was supposed to improve himself and go younger. But he sure is noticing and telling me about the changes I am making for myself. But, I need more, H is not that easily changed. I’m going to need the works if I want to save my marriage and give my kids back their always quirky but loving father. Please, anyone share your story of how you handle everyday with such a character as I am eager to learn and make change. Thanks Dmarie

Explain to him that he's seeing things by "their" eyes. It's the incorrect viewpoint and if he could talk to himself now before he went into it, he'd think he went crazy. Find a way to get him that message. I know it's blissful being ignorant, but it's stupid.

[Cadet]

Thanks Cadet! That sure is quite a list. But, i'm up for it!

If you have any questions ask them here, I will try to check in.

[albamarie]

Thanks DLS.

H is starting to speak a little different these days. For about 2 weeks now H making references about past times like "that's when I was going crazy, that's when my mind was flipped, that's when I was going through such a deep depression.

I don't know what to make of his references to the "past" so I listen without comment. I'm letting him find his way on his own.

[albamarie]

This morning H showed me just how erratic his brain is. I don't recognize this man any more.

He has gotten a hold of his anger to the point were he doesn't give it to me anymore. He said it's all for him to torcher himself with and give it to God.

I know I can't help him. How sad it is that the best thing I can do is get out of his way.

I mourn for my H I had, the father the kids had, and my best friend. He's not here any more. And, without C (which he won't get) he may never return. It's like a death!

I know I'm able to GAL , work, friends and even a new relationship, (if it goes that far) I feel stronger and more confident in my mind everyday. My kids are grown, my parents are behind me, and I was very independent when we met.

I did not find this site until this later end of things but I am grateful still because I'm going to need a lot of strength ahead.

What if I'm stuck with him. Without counseling he's gone, confused, scattered, depressed, memory loss....broken. He doesn't know how to take care of every day life responsibilities. He works, works hard, that's all he knows.

Has anyone been in a sich were the spouse was not recovered, but not gone.

[albamarie]

When I say stuck, I mean H doesn't get C, doesn't become an acceptable H or parent, doesn't have a grip on a healthy life.

I can't be willing to stay with him under those conditions because it won't be fair to my life or my families.

Don't get me wrong, I want my M and love my H, but I am not the one MLC, Andropause, or depressed. What I want doesn't matter. One day will I have to make a decision for me, the one person I can control.

[albamarie]

H depression was bad last night. He told our old friends that he was done with life and if he dies at least I get more insurance money than he could ever make working.

He's smoking a pack or 2 at time of cigarettes lately.

I WANT him to leave, but I can't tell him, because I don't want to make that decision easy for him. He's has a child's mind and he's afraid. I refuse to be his strength to leave me.

I DON'T WANT him to leave, but that is based on hopes of my real H making an appearance.

I need counseling. My friend just kept repeating "I don't now how you do it" that's not helpful.

Through his MLC brain he thinks and then says crap out of his mouth. "I don't want to get better. I don't want the family life. I don't want to be a father". Then he looks at me and says "I'm afraid".

I need a vacation!!!! And, friends!

[scaredsilly]

It sounds like he should be on medication. He's not safe for himself.

[albamarie]

He won't. He only trust me to give him something natural. I have been looking into it knowing he is way beyond subtle remedies and changes.

We (my 3 adult boys and I) offered to handle everything in order for him to relax and get help at an away private facility.

We just stand back now and watch him whirl in his own dust. Sooooo sad to say!

thanks for reading scaredsilly!!