Hi AA. I saw your threads asking for help yesterday, but didn't have a chance to reply. Being on moderation [censored]. It means that your threads take a while to be posted. I think that dbmod may have lifted you from that, but not sure. If not, I'm sure that it will happen soon. Posting will be much easier afterwards.
Eric is giving you great advice and asking you some really good questions. He helped me at times through my sitch.
I am going to try to go through your sitch later. I'd like to help if I can. In the meantime, hang in there... and be patient.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
it made me believe that I was a great husband and a great dad because I was providing for all economic needs for my family. ...but I did not pay attention to what my wife was telling all these last years. He wanted her husband back, and all I saw was nagging, pressuring and dissapointment.
This sounds very, very familiar. I can relate because it is exactly what I did and went through. I think that many of the men here on this board felt that they were being good H's by simply providing, financially, for their families. It is not enough. Your W needs security, but it is not just financial security that she needs. she also needs to have emotional security. she needs to know that she is the only woman in the world to you. She needs to have security that you love her and that you always will. She needs to know that you are a safe place for her to share her life experiences, her emotions, her fears, hopes and dreams. In general, women need to talk about these things whereas men usually don't. Your W needs you to just listen... not fix or solve everything... just listen to her. Stop looking at your W from your perspective of what is needed for a good R/M. Look at what she needs.
Originally Posted By: doubleAA
I was so sure she would never leave me,
Me too. Guess we were wrong.
Originally Posted By: doubleAA
We have been intimate in 3 occassions since the separation,
Stop. I think whoever said that she is using this as a way to hold onto you is right (either Starsky or Bond I believe).
It also prevents you from detaching.
A healthy boundary for you to set for yourself is that she cannot have you while there is an OM in the picture.
I'm not sure that you are ready to actually communicate this to her, because I don't know that you are strong enough to enforce it. But you can work on it in your own head and follow it when making decisions for yourself.
Originally Posted By: doubleAA
I try not to talk about us or a reconciliation, but she is the one who brings that up a lot everytime we see each other. She tells me she "needs to fix this situation" because she can not live like this. She constantly tells me that she is scared if she comes back, I will go back to my old ways.
Listen, validate, listen, validate... repeat. Read my first paragraph again. She needs to know that you are a safe place for her to share her inner most feelings.
Originally Posted By: doubleAA
When she tells me that I sometimes do try to make her see that it will be the best decision for all of us.
Listen, validate... repeat. STOP trying to fix this with words. Not going to happen. It is pressure and pursuit. Two no nos of DB. If she is going to 'turn', it is going to be because she figures out what SHE wants on her own. Give her the space and the time to do that. You're not going to persuade her by telling her that she wins the lottery by coming back to you. She either loves you, or she doesn't... she will either miss you and decide she wants to be with you, or she won't. It is out of your control.
Originally Posted By: doubleAA
I have two boys, a 17 year old, who has been more affected than any of us and a 13 year old who has been affected but do not really understands what is going on. I need to say, they are no my biological kids, but I have been with them for 10 years, and any body who says they are not my kids is wrong. I would do anything for them.
I also have a step child. I think that this situation creates a unique problem. My advice? Continue to love your step children as you always have... stay in their lives ... spend time with them when you can.
As for your W? Like I said, I set the boundary pretty early on that I would not be a part of my W's life as long as OM was. I think that I stuck to that. My problem was that she would stop talking to him and seeing him, but then ultimately start it up again. This cause multiple period where W and I would be together (trying to work things out), followed by periods of us not talking or seeing each other while she was dating OM. Within a few weeks, she would be calling or texting me telling me that she loved and missed me. The pattern would just repeat itself. My point? Until things with the OM truly play out and her feeling for him are resolved, you have no chance at reconciliation. So you may as well sit back, GAL as much as possible, find some peace in your life, and endure the ride.
In the meantime, work on you and becoming the man that you want to be.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thanks, for the great advice.. Indeed, I have been receiving a lot of great advice. There is so much things I want to do, but for right now I know I need patience. This is the first thing that I am working on (W has already told me she has seen that I have more patience now.) From there I want to tackle the many issues at a time, bit by bit, because I do not want to be overwhelmed of the many things I need to fix about my self.
I have understood that there is nothing I can do about W behavior, and that she needs to fix that on her own. Problem with me right now is DETACHMENT and wanting to fix everything for her. I am pretty stubborn on my ways, so I am going to use that stubborness to my benefit and not my disgrace.
Once again Denver, keep giving the advice on what worked for you..
I have been reading your thread, pretty intense, but it has put some light into my perspective. I will keep on reading it because there is so much similarities between our behavior.
These are some of the things I do not like about my self and want to change:
1. I get angry real fast, and I do not know how to control my anger and it scales to a rage real fast.
2. I am pretty stubborn and more than often I do not agree with other people's opinions when I believe I am right.
3. I am very controling with W.
4. I am impatience.
Man, is very hard to see the negatives from my own perspective. I am going to have to ask my family members on this ..
The good things I see in me:
1. I am doing better in controling my anger.
2. If I know I am wrong I can admit it, and ask for help.
3. I am learning patience.
4. I consider my self to be a good friend to anybody.
5. I am coordial with everybody.
6. I do not drink, do not smoke or do drugs.
Well, on this I guess I did a little bit better, but still need to go back and ask my family about it.
The things I want to do for my self:
1. I love cars. I have a 89 Formula 350 that needs restoration and would like to restore.
2. I love bicycles, I am restoring a BMX bike from the 90's.
3. I want to start mountain biking.
4. I like to draw, it has been a long time since I have done it.
5. I like to travel.
There is so more things, but I guess this will do for now.
Now, to answer your questions and give you more info about me.
Yes, she is still married to the OM. She filed for divorce about a year into our relationship, thru legal aid since we were experiencing harsh times (I was in college and she was supporting the house). For some reason everything got cancelled by the State months into the divorce, and from there we did not do anything, I guess we both agreed we were ok in an that kind of relationship. We also believed, we would get separated right away after us being married. This is a concept we picked up from our families, and we believe them. She started the divorce papers about 2 weeks ago again.
Just to let you know my 13 yrs old BOY got pissed you called a girl, just kidding on this. Both are boys, and yes I know and have it printed on my heart to leave them out this mess, they already have enough on their own. Again, I am letting my kids see a strong me, and do not discuss with W any of our issues in fron of them. I need to say that I barely learn this..
Why did I beg? Good question, I felt we could fix things if I was still at the house. Good thing I did not stay, or I would have continue with the destructive behaviour instead of starting the healing. After I left the house was when I started looking for help and came across DR book, from there this site.
I am getting it, the focus should be on me, not her. Still, there is that part of me that keeps on looking at her. Like I told you I am pretty stubborn, and will use that stubborness to help me put my self on the pedestal. I know I want to do it and will do it.
Why did I say, I did not want the truck back? again, I was trying to be responsible and yes, for her to see that I do care about her.
Now, with the "I feel I am paying this guy with the same token", yes, I do agree it is stupid for me thinking that way, and I am working on that, so I do not accept my W with OM. Again, detaching is my weakness at this moment, but I am working on it.
Regarding me giving everything to W, and have the OM have it real easy. W has told me little about OM, just that he is "very attentive with me" and that he has asked her to move to is place. W has not accpeted that and is actually looking for an apartment. Again, I am trying to be responsible and protective of my family.
Infidelity Vs Me GALing, yes it is a tough cookie to chew. And honestly I am feel that GALing is more to my benefit.
This is a bit about my history..
I grew up with my grandparents in Mexico. My real dad just decided I was not his son and that was pretty much until I turned 16. My mom married OM, and he was an alcoholic, verbally abusive to me. They move of town, and I stayed with my granparents because of fear stepfather would do something to me. My grandparents are the great influence in my life, and the example I follow.
I just received some great advice from Denver2010, and everything he posted I am the opposite of that. I did not listen to her, did not make her feel special as often as she wanted. Neglected her emotional security, neglected to be a safe place for her to trust.
I know there is a bunch of good things about me. I always cared for her an my kids. I made her laugh more than often, she would trust on me that she was and is the only woman in my life. She felt financially secured, man so many good things.
All of you guys have been real great in helping. I got the point that it should be ME, ME, and then ME. I need to detach and will do little by little.
For the mean time I need to go and see my kids and take him to the park..
Ok, guys, need specific advice on how to talk to W about OM. She has been contacting me everysingle day, and being real nice. Still, she is with OM, and playing me for a fool.
Yesterday, she stopped by my work because she wanted to see me, later during the day she stopped by my place to take a letter, and honestly that was just an excuse to see me. Both times she was very nice and affective and still calls me by the love nicknames she has always called me. These were like 5 minute moments.
Today, she sent a text message in the morning to say hi, again she drop by work today to see me. We were on the parking lot and by mistake she dialed OM number. He said "hello" and she just hanged up. He called her back right away, and she did not know how to react. She asked for some space to answer the call. Man that really pissed me off, but it was more about my self than anything else. I am now feeling really stupid because I am cattering to her, allowing her to have the best time of her life while she has all my support.
Please, guys, any specifics on how to confront and tell her about OM.
Thanks for your reply.. Well, W and I were living together for 10 years with out her being divorced. She started her divorce a year into our relationship, but it never got completed for unknown reasons since she was getting free help because we could not pay an attorney. We are hispanics, mexican desendants, and have this tabboo that if you get married it will not last and you will end up divorced in no time. We believed it, for as stupid as it sounds.
My story is a bit confusing. I met her 10 yrs ago and she was separated and do not know for how long, we started living together real soon. We just fell in love for each other. After a year she put her divorce papers with this other man. She hates this guy for so many reasons.
Now, she met NEW MAN while we were having problems. And no she is not married to this man, or me..
Still, I consider her to be my W and as you posted on Eric's post time ago "for the better, or for the worst" and right now I really felt like throwing the towel, but reading his post makes me realize that I am in it even for the WORST.
On this, it really does not means I need to be a doormat, and I need to learn to set boundaries. Again, specifics on how to do this helps a lot..
Thank you for your comments, one thing that I like about me, even though I am pretty stubborn, when I know I need help I always look for it, and also smart enough to look for it in the right people. You my friend, and the many others, are some of those good people, please keep posting with your support. It really feels great knowing there is someone I do not know personally that really cares about helping without getting back in return. God bless you all..
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