TIME for a change

[Broken74]

Thanks 25 and Denver as always I appreciate you! I am really struggling here and it will be obvious in my words.

You're probably right on my plans with SS, I'm sure she took it that way. I was not going to utter her name with him I just wanted to hang out, you're right she certainly would not have thought of it that way.

As far as the separation agreement is concerned, I looked and noticed that the copy she sent me in November does not have the final signature page. It was converted to a PDF via a business class copier yet the signature page is missing, that's not a little shady right?

I see your point on my reaction and my statements around the car but please look at my perspective.

You're right I'm angry!!! She has been cake eating for 8 months (granted I volunteered the act to try and make her happy--BIG MISTAKE IF I COULD GO BACK I OBVIOUSLY WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT this was before I found DB and this site). It's unlikely she would have been able to secure another car otherwise. My actions despite hers, have enabled her a quality of life (nice car to drive) that she could not otherwise afford herself. She said she is filing for Divorce, that's fine, that's her choice, as is being with the OM. Along with that choice goes all ties to me, one of which is the car. You are right I was angry based on her statements, but I don't think that anger is weighing into the decision to sever ties related to the car. If her name was on anything about the car this would not be a problem, the problem is her credit is wrecked so everything about the car is in my name. What kind of idiot is going to let his NOW CONFIRMED STBXW rolling around town in a BMW with OM in tow ENABLED BY HIM. She's been riding the gravy train for a few years now, no more, not me... If she could buy the car outright then the problem would be solved, but she can't. Her transportation or other financial woes are hers and OM to deal with now, not mine. Detachment 101 right?

Forgiveness is very hard for me to come by these days... One of things I did but shouldn't have done was to go back and map dates and her early conversations with the OM. I can literally map a day that she put $1000 of charges on my credit cards while she is describing our sex toy collection to the OM THIS IS BEFORE WE WERE SEPARATED AND PRIOR TO HER TRICKING ME OUT OF THE MARITAL HOME I BUILT FOR OUR FAMILY. She is talking about how she had a golf lesson and was surprised she could hit the golf ball. THE F'ING GOLF LESSON WAS FROM ME, HER HUSBAND. I know I need to stop this as it is self destructive and not doing anything but cause me to be angry.

You're right 25 there is no point of me arguing the affair... It is pointless... But you are an attorney right? WHERE IS THE JUSTICE IN THIS MATTER? There is none and there never will be... To make the decision to leave me is fine. To tell me she loves me and to sleep in the same bed with me while starting a relationship with OM while pounding my credit to the final available days is not fine. People will say I am playing the victim here but SHE ROBBED ME BLIND. I could post the chats and the charges here to show how ludicrous her actions really were if anyone would like to see them. YOU ARE RIGHT THAT THIS GETS ME NOWHERE AND I UNDERSTAND THAT BUT IT CONSTANTLY INVADES MY MIND AND DRIVES ME CRAZY. And I GAL everyday and am extremely busy... When I'm at work, it invades my mind. When I'm playing golf it invades my mind... I don't know how to make it stop.

Man I am angry... Forgiveness, Forgiveness, Forgiveness, I really to have to figure this out before I drive myself crazy. I understand you on the scorecards, her viewpoint is totally different from mine and just like I will never understand her perspective she will never understand mine. The difference is however, I can make a balance sheet of her wrongdoing with factual data. I was unfaithful to my W before we got married when we were dating, and I said some hurtful things to my wife during our marriage, and I could have been a more involved stepfather. I am guilty of these things, but aside from that I did nothing but try to make her and my SK's happy, overextending myself in the process.

"does fueling your anger and festering in self pity & self righteousness, truly help you at all? I sure don't see the benefit...." NO IT DOESN'T BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO STOP DOING IT.

but this fuming you do, this working yourself up, is just unhealthy and it's something to learn about how NOT TO DO. Your anger consumes YOU and so it hurts YOU, not her. Let her go and let the anger go... I AM TRYING BUT I CAN"T FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO THIS. I think part of my feeling is that I can't believe she is going to get away with this. The financial raping I have taken here really should be criminal... The problem is SHE MANIPULATED ME INTO SIGNING A SEPARATION AGREEMENT I SHOULDN"T HAVE SIGNED. I had an attorney and the equitable separation agreement we put forward made her flip her [censored]... She then played her role and my emotions by alluding to reconciliation and coercing me to sign an agreement that let her and the OM walk away from this nonsense scott free.

She didn't force me to do anything. She was bankrupt and her credit was wrecked so I had no choice but to deal with all financial burdens. I extended MYSELF 22k for HER on the basis that WE as a MARRIED TEAM would take care of that financial obligation. The same goes for ALL OF THE MARITAL SPENDING that we did together. The problem is she decided to bounce on the marriage and her share of the financial obligations. I LET THIS HAPPEN BECAUSE I WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO SIGN THE AGREEMENT SHE PUT FORWARD BUT THAT STILL DOES NOT MAKE IT RIGHT. MY LEGAL RIGHTS WERE VIOLATED BUT I SIGNED ANY HOPE OF MAKING ANY OF THE FINANCIAL MATTERS REMOTELY RIGHT AWAY.

What do you think your ex wife from your first m would say about how SHE fared in that divorce? You know 25, this is probably part of what makes me so angry. I WAS THE MORALLY WRONG ONE IN MY FIRST MARRIAGE. My W told me in bed that "if all I wanted was sex to go find someone". So I did. BUT THEN I DID THE RIGHT THING. I SIMPLY WALKED AWAY AND LEFT EVERYTHING TO HER. I know this doesn't make up for it but that was the only thing I could do to try and make things remotely right. She easily came out $150k or better to the good including the home equity. Then in this case, MY W HAD THE AFFAIR, TOOK EVERYTHING OF VALUE AND LEFT ME HOLDING THE BAG TO BOOT.

so, Turn your anger/pain AND marriage over to God--- and become the best man YOU can become. 

Then, and only then, leave the results up to Him...

Once you have become a man only a fool would leave,

the man you were meant to become, then 

hold your head high, behave with quiet dignity, strength and honor--- like the man you want to become would behave...

Thank you for these words 25, I really need them. I can't lie I'm probably more angry now than I have ever been. I have to find forgiveness in my heart somehow or else all of this is going continue to consume me from the inside out.

I pray, I talk to friends, I talk to my parents, I come here and vent and get help and support from you guys and everybody else on here. And yet here I sit wallowing as you say in anger and self pity, and the sad thing is unless I figure it out I will be feeling this way until the final debt is paid which will probably be 3 years from now.

I really have to figure this out, soon. And in the near term I need to figure out how to deal with Monday. Maybe the best strategy at this point is to do nothing unless she contacts me to follow up...

forgiveness forgiveness forgiveness forgiveness forgiveness
repeat x 1000

Thanks again for you guys feedback and listening ears, good luck to all in your respective sitch's.