Tales of the Travelling Toothbrush..? That has a good ring to it! LOL.
It is kind of funny if step back and look at the BS that comes from them. It is very much like watching a toddler, and then eventually a teenager. But you can only really see it and the humor when you stand back. If you're too close you'll get scars...
LIO, boundaries are a tricky thing with somebody in that frame of mind. Setting them can become more frustrating because you'll set yourself up for issues and it comes across as controlling. If you set them, put some thought into it first and make sure you can enforce them. Also, make sure they are for your sake only. You need boundaries, but you need to be sure they are about you only. Anything else is pointless IMHO.
Don't be afraid to have those emotions either LIO. You are human and having them is natural in this situation. Don't be embarrassed, but do try to keep them from the H. He already knows. It doesn't help anything to share them with him
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
... boundaries are a tricky thing with somebody in that frame of mind. Setting them can become more frustrating because you'll set yourself up for issues and it comes across as controlling. If you set them, put some thought into it first and make sure you can enforce them. Also, make sure they are for your sake only. You need boundaries, but you need to be sure they are about you only. Anything else is pointless IMHO.
Well said, AJ!
Ultimately, DB is DB and it's all the same.
The work is the same whether our spouse is MLC or WAS.
SBT is SBT is SBT.
Yet, MLC very assuredly is different than transition and different that WAS.
Just as piecing is different than non-piecing.
IMHO, boundaries with MLC is oil and water. They don't mix. And sometimes, it seems that if someone sets a clear, reasonable boundary, it's just a line the MLCer wants to figure out how to cross, because the LBS can't tell a MLCer what to do.
Oh thank you AJM and KD for answering that. I have been getting grief from 'friends' about me not setting boundaries (and deadlines). I just didn't see the need for them because when I do, it's coming across as controlling, which is EXACTLY what H's issue with me is right now (right or wrong - I'm working on it) and I hear about how I can't control whatever he is doing now and etc. If it causes harm to me or S mentally or physically, then yes - boundary time.
Me& h + S M: 13 t: 14
H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my! I'm done. 12/12
"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
LIO~ I want to start by saying you shouldn't feel embarrassed, I know I did too at first, but really this isn't your fault, so there is no reason for that. It helps once that realization sets in. As far as boundaries go, you have been given good advice. I totally agree with Kaffe, it seems like if you set boundaries the MLCer will see what it takes to cross them, again, our reoccurring theme, control. I guess they feel like they have none, so they try to control everything, I don't know. Case and point, that last talk I was forced into with H, all because I asked for the AC to be turned off.... control. My one boundary, no talks on work nights, well that went out the window because H was on the war path, again control. On the up side with that last talk I said some things I needed him to hear and I think shattered some fantasies he had in his head about how my life would be without him, or how we would be best buddies or something. Who knows, he's crazy right now. LOL You say you've been getting grief from friends, well we all do sometimes, friends or family they don't understand the MLCer either and are not happy that you are hurting, they have good intentions, but ultimately it's your decision, it's their decision to be supportive or not, but you need to do what YOU want to do. Trying to save one's marriage is NOT easy, and is not the norm in our disposable society, but that isn't going to stop me from trying my best to do it. No matter the outcome, I need to be able to look back and say I did everything possible to save my marriage, because I need to be able to sleep at night. I know God has a plan, whether I like it or not, which so far, I have not LOL, but He has a plan none the less.
Home Front Update~ H is being oddly nice to me... seems like the man I used to know today, it's nice, but sad at the same time, because I know it won't last. I saw him some this morning and then he left. I went to the gym, and there he was. I didn't pay any attention, focused on my workout, and eventually noticed he had left. When I got home he was in the living room. He said something about buying more milk and apologized because he didn't realize I had already bought some, I said that was ok we will use it. I said I was going to go out and mow the grass. He said why, it's dead? I said will there are some long parts. He's like oh never mind, I shouldn't have said anything. I said, no it's fine, I didn't really feel like doing it anyway, if you think it looks fine then ok. (I was quite cheery during this conversation). I said I was going back downstairs to close the garage door, H said whatever you want to do with the yard, it's YOUR yard. Hearing him say that made me stop a second. I didn't say anything out loud (in my head I was saying don't believe anything they say) and then I continued downstairs.
When I came back up I went about making a salad for lunch. H was throwing something out and said, btw I know your secret. I looked up and laughed and said oh yeah, I have secret? He said yeah, I know how you are getting your butt so little and tight. I just looked at him. He said about the machine I was on at the gym. I said ah, the swishy leg machine (I make up my own words sometimes). He said yeah. I thanked him for noticing. Went about making my salad, sat down at the table to eat. H went back out to the living room, then went downstairs, came back to the kitchen and said he noticed I had been watching Weeds on Netflix, he asked if it was good. I told him yeah, it's hilarious. He said he figured it was good if I keep watching it. Then he got his pizza out of the oven and told me I could have some if I wanted. I thanked him and he went back into the living room.
So he comes back out to the kitchen after a few minutes and tells me he has a funny story to share with me. I said ok, what is it. He said when he got home last night he thought I would be in bed already, and he tried really, really hard to be quiet, but he tripped up the stairs, making a big crashing sound and said, "Fvck!" He said he then waited a minute because he thought I would come out to see what was going on, but then I didn't so he went to his room and realized I wasn't home. I laughed and asked if he was ok. He said yeah, just thought it was funny, then he went back to his room, then downstairs, and then back to the living room.... strange.
As for me, last night my dear friend and I went to the drive in. I didn't get home until almost 3am. I have no idea what time H got home, I'm guessing he was trying to again prove the I can stay out late, I am fun, I can do fun stuff without you, point, but it didn't work cause I wasn't home anyway. I don't know, but thought it was odd he felt compelled to share his "funny story". I'm doing my very best not to do anything that would be considered pursuing or controlling, just minding my own business, doing my own thing, praying for the best.
hrm, It's almost like he considers you as a roommate. I do think that by him telling you his "funny" story he was trying to get info from you as to where you had been. He's curious about you and what you are doing, but doesn't know how to go about asking like an adult would. Crazy little boy!
You are doing great, but I honestly don't know how you keep from laughing at some of his antics. He's so transparent at times! Of course he's going to be nice to you...you've put him on notice the last day or so...he's going walk quietly around you for a bit. He's not quite sure what to make of the new and improved hrm! Go girl!
I'll be curious see where the traveling toothbrush ends up this week! LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yeah Snodderly, roommate with benefits apparently. I agree that he was fishing for information, I'm betting it annoyed him when I didn't give any... go mysterious me.
Speaking of him being transparent sometimes here's his latest shenanigan.... (I found it funny, and so did a friend). It's funny but I knew when he went to the gym yesterday something was up, his new routine had become M,W,F in the early AM, I had this feeling he would be staying out late.... I was right. At 9:15 last night I heard him leave (I was in my room reading). I have no idea what time he came home, I was asleep by 11 and when I woke up for a trip to the bathroom at 2:30 he was back. I honestly didn't hear him come in or anything, I was actually sleeping that well.
Before I had gone to bed I called my dear friend to share this humor (the one I had gone to the drive in with). She found this funny. She said she thought the earlier conversation was him fishing for info too. Her take on it is he's trying to teach me a lesson, throwing a baby fit, see I can stay out late and you have no idea where I am either. LOL Hard to tell when you are dealing with someone who's gone insane.
Anyway, I was happy for me in the fact that I had no anxiety, or panic when he left that I didn't know where he was going or what he was doing. I was just calm, kinda like whatever, I'm gonna go sleep now, I didn't have those million scenarios running through my head. His choices are his to make, he will have to deal with the fruit they bear. Yeah, go me, whoo hoo personal growth! LOL
Yes, he's quite the spoiled child right now. I think it's great the way you are handling your situation, i.e., not asking him questions and just going about your business. He can't understand your attitude and the way that you are not "reacting" to his craziness.
Hang in there! I hope your week is a good one.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly! Yeah, I think my not reacting is making him wonder. lol
Last night when H got home I was cooking dinner, he of course didn't eat any, but that's ok, leftovers for tonight! Yum! Anyway, when he came in he looked super angry, the look I had been given was like I had done something super awful and he was about to yell at me. My best guess would be something happened at work. I asked him if he would help me get the new screen protector on my phone, I tried but couldn't get one on. He said he would, and he did. I also asked him if I could borrow his drill for work tomorrow, he said I could and something about charging it. I was cheery during the entire interaction and offered him dinner. He declined saying he got something at the store. I said ok and went about making a plate for me.
I was really glad I didn't get body snatcher spew, I thought it could have gone that way. He seemed to soften his tone toward me, it's hard to misplace your anger on a cheery, positive person. After cleaning up my adventures in cooking dinner I retreated to my room to read and watch a little tv before bed. H had been watching tv in the living room, but then I heard him go downstairs,then up to his room, then down again, back and forth, back and forth, he was all over the place last night, maybe the issues were getting too hard to drown out,who knows. I just stayed in my room in an effort to stay out of the way and give space.
I am glad you didn't get spew monster, just maybe your little "talk" the other day and speaking your truth shifted things a wee bit, and just maybe he is starting to discern where his anger at the moment or whatever is really generated and not projecting it onto you (for the moment)...I saw a similar shift in W after I opened the cage...(I also had to learn where MY anger/frustration was coming from (work, bills, etc) through the last year and it is rather shaming for me that I took a lot out on W for a long time...ugh).
That restlessness is typical, he is trying to figure something out (whether on purpose or not is debatable, their minds are on overdrive with no governor)...W, who is a 9 hour a day sleeper in normal times, was extremely restless and agitated during the last year, maybe getting 4-5 hours of sleep...ya just gotta let them burn it out I guess.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I love your posts and sense of humor! Same sort of crap going on here except mine has a girl who is 21 years young than him. But he can't go a day without contacting me. Than it is the passive aggressive crap or the extreme jealousy or the hours of just talk. Even when he is in the same apartment with her he is on the computer talking with me for 2-5 hours at a stretch. Sure is a great relationship they have! Must be love! Just strikes me as pitiful. I am detaching as that always seems to be a work in progress as he attempts to suck me back in to the world of feral cats and cuckoos. I have not gone there for some time. Now he wants to spend Saturday with me and a week at a university doing research and then stay here a couple days after that. I will believe it when I see it. So full of crap usually that I believe nothing he says. Yesterday I packed up his stuff and put it in the garage, but today I am having second thoughts about that as I do not want to cause he any unnecessary pain when he seems to be reaching out to me a bit. Felt good when I did it though. But thanks again for the similar stories and all the laughs you have given me when I was so angry or sad! You have helped more than you will ever know.
I agree that he was fishing for information, I'm betting it annoyed him when I didn't give any... go mysterious me.