I have been reading your thread, pretty intense, but it has put some light into my perspective. I will keep on reading it because there is so much similarities between our behavior.
These are some of the things I do not like about my self and want to change:
1. I get angry real fast, and I do not know how to control my anger and it scales to a rage real fast.
2. I am pretty stubborn and more than often I do not agree with other people's opinions when I believe I am right.
3. I am very controling with W.
4. I am impatience.
Man, is very hard to see the negatives from my own perspective. I am going to have to ask my family members on this ..
The good things I see in me:
1. I am doing better in controling my anger.
2. If I know I am wrong I can admit it, and ask for help.
3. I am learning patience.
4. I consider my self to be a good friend to anybody.
5. I am coordial with everybody.
6. I do not drink, do not smoke or do drugs.
Well, on this I guess I did a little bit better, but still need to go back and ask my family about it.
The things I want to do for my self:
1. I love cars. I have a 89 Formula 350 that needs restoration and would like to restore.
2. I love bicycles, I am restoring a BMX bike from the 90's.
3. I want to start mountain biking.
4. I like to draw, it has been a long time since I have done it.
5. I like to travel.
There is so more things, but I guess this will do for now.
Now, to answer your questions and give you more info about me.
Yes, she is still married to the OM. She filed for divorce about a year into our relationship, thru legal aid since we were experiencing harsh times (I was in college and she was supporting the house). For some reason everything got cancelled by the State months into the divorce, and from there we did not do anything, I guess we both agreed we were ok in an that kind of relationship. We also believed, we would get separated right away after us being married. This is a concept we picked up from our families, and we believe them. She started the divorce papers about 2 weeks ago again.
Just to let you know my 13 yrs old BOY got pissed you called a girl, just kidding on this. Both are boys, and yes I know and have it printed on my heart to leave them out this mess, they already have enough on their own. Again, I am letting my kids see a strong me, and do not discuss with W any of our issues in fron of them. I need to say that I barely learn this..
Why did I beg? Good question, I felt we could fix things if I was still at the house. Good thing I did not stay, or I would have continue with the destructive behaviour instead of starting the healing. After I left the house was when I started looking for help and came across DR book, from there this site.
I am getting it, the focus should be on me, not her. Still, there is that part of me that keeps on looking at her. Like I told you I am pretty stubborn, and will use that stubborness to help me put my self on the pedestal. I know I want to do it and will do it.
Why did I say, I did not want the truck back? again, I was trying to be responsible and yes, for her to see that I do care about her.
Now, with the "I feel I am paying this guy with the same token", yes, I do agree it is stupid for me thinking that way, and I am working on that, so I do not accept my W with OM. Again, detaching is my weakness at this moment, but I am working on it.
Regarding me giving everything to W, and have the OM have it real easy. W has told me little about OM, just that he is "very attentive with me" and that he has asked her to move to is place. W has not accpeted that and is actually looking for an apartment. Again, I am trying to be responsible and protective of my family.
Infidelity Vs Me GALing, yes it is a tough cookie to chew. And honestly I am feel that GALing is more to my benefit.
This is a bit about my history..
I grew up with my grandparents in Mexico. My real dad just decided I was not his son and that was pretty much until I turned 16. My mom married OM, and he was an alcoholic, verbally abusive to me. They move of town, and I stayed with my granparents because of fear stepfather would do something to me. My grandparents are the great influence in my life, and the example I follow.
I just received some great advice from Denver2010, and everything he posted I am the opposite of that. I did not listen to her, did not make her feel special as often as she wanted. Neglected her emotional security, neglected to be a safe place for her to trust.
I know there is a bunch of good things about me. I always cared for her an my kids. I made her laugh more than often, she would trust on me that she was and is the only woman in my life. She felt financially secured, man so many good things.
All of you guys have been real great in helping. I got the point that it should be ME, ME, and then ME. I need to detach and will do little by little.
For the mean time I need to go and see my kids and take him to the park..
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