Me too. Eager to learn and genuinely love my W. Laying off the booze, that’s great! I know what you mean about the smoking thing. There’s no way in hell I would quit smoking right now. I am sorry, for once in my life I am going to defend my smoking. I know that’s a utterly stupid thing to say, but I said it. It’s absurd because I still lift weights and put in the cardio. I hate cardio. I would rather hang out with MIL then do cardio, That’s how bad I hate it. I sometimes think to myself that I must be an anomaly to be a runner that smokes. What an oxymoron.
I just noticed Denver chimed in. I am really glad to get his input. I will need to wrap my mind around his post before I respond. Anyway, continue to stay strong Carnac, I know I will be just fine and hopefully you too!
Me(M):38 W:43 Together: 14 Married: 11 D: 4 S:8 W wanted separation 5/5/12 Stopped living together 5/5/12 Currently DB’ing
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”. Thomas Jefferson
Oh hell, where do I start. Ahhhh, I know. I want to first thank you very much for your time and input, I really appreciate it. I don’t know if I can address all your questions in one post so feel free to ask again. As it stands, I am already pretty good at posting novels
You asked me about my shortcomings in the M. Below is a paragraph from an email I received from W the other day. Her entire email is on page 12 of my thread. I think this will address part of your question.
“I don't want you to be miserable- I don't want that for any of us!!! Our kids deserve the very best parents that we can give them. I just know that unless you can be the family's financial rock and backbone every day, week, month and year from now until forever, that I can't return to what we had"
As you already alluded to, the financials are huge but yes there’s others. In the beginning of our M I don’t think I needed W as much as she needed me. I married her because she was so caring, loving, supportive, etc.. She was into me! Even past the first one or two year honeymoon phase. After being together for 5 or 6 years all that vanished. It’s messed up, it’s not like I went bald and gained 100 pounds!!! Hopefully I am not offending anyone Anyway, I was so sick of the changes. She became cold, gave me little attention, started becoming emotionally and physically distant, etc… It got so bad that I seriously considered leaving her. It was interesting because I had this mindset that I didn’t need her anymore.
Then came another change, not necessarily for the better. She remained “the same” but then I became the one that started to need her more. Looking back, I really didn’t like who I was becoming. I was always complaining to my friends about how poor our marriage was. What friend wants to constantly hear that, it gets old after a while. I became needy, clingy, jealous and insecure. I started doing all the improper things. I began snooping (we all know it’s not right and it doesn’t make us feel better). We also stopped laughing together. In essence, we were no longer a team. We were in a poor M in sooo many ways and MC did very little. Everything just became so serious between us which is odd because I am a jovial, happy go lucky person. As nasty as things became over the years I’ve always kept the mindset that the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
You also made a comment about doing what works. Ok, I know being financially stable is important. Another thing that could really change is my W wants me to do more “acts of service” I didn’t fix everything around the house, cleaning etc…. It’s interesting because I’ve implemented a couple acts of service recently and I noticed a change in W. I took D to dentist the other day, that’s something I used to never do. W was very appreciative of that. I was also recently at the grocery store with the kids and I was about ready to take them back to W’s apartment. I decided to call W and give her the heads up that I would be dropping the kids off shortly. I then asked her if she needed some things from the grocery store, she told me she didn’t. Then I dropped the kids off and W wanted to talk, she started crying a lot and talking about how tough things have been. I think my small act of asking her if she wanted anything at the store struck a chord with her. Maybe it’s a “act of service” or maybe I was just being nice and it made her feel guilty, what do you think? That’s a tough one for me to identify.
To summarize, I need to work on the 180’s.
Work on getting things straighten out financially.
Try and identify more acts of service (they are hard to find though) I can’t just go over to her apartment and start cleaning it up for her.
I would love to get her laughing. I don’t even know how to start with this one. Doing a kids drop off and then busting out a joke just doesn’t seem right. It would take a good amount of brainstorming.
Along the same lines, make sure things aren’t serious. I always smile when I am around her but I have a “somewhat all business mindset” when I have interactions with her, so this is another really hard one.
That’s a great question MrBond. Yes and no, I understand that doesn’t necessarily answer your question. It’s a thought provoking question so a yes or no answer just doesn’t cut it and I also view it several ways.
Yes, because I know that I don’t have a choice if I want the opportunity to R. I’ve built up some resentment toward W because I thought it was “all about money”. What I am starting (or trying) to understand is that it’s having that stability, that feeling of being “safe”, that feeling of security and everything that comes with it. In addition, our financial instability has made W feel that I am very irresponsibility.
Until I came to this forum I had this simplistic mindset that “it’s only about money”. She will only be with me if I made more money. I still wonder if that might be a safe assessment.
An acquaintance asked me the other day. “Well, that must make you wonder if she’d be there for you if you had a stroke and you ended up spending your days with nothing but drool coming out of your mouth”. I know it’s not productive to view it from that standpoint.
If I understand what you’re saying, W and I need to be in agreement on where things broke down if R is ever going to be an option? What’s your view regarding my money assessment? What’s your take on this?
One other thing. Since joining this site I’ve got some clarity that I can’t use the “for richer or poorer and sickness and in health” excuse. I will have no hope for growth if I try and defend my shortcomings through that passage.
I have a question. I am sending some cards to my kids. One of the things I was going to write is “Be good to your sister and Mom”. Do you think that statement comes across as pursuing or do you think it’s fine?
I was reading Carnac’s thread. Some of his sediments were very similar to mine. This is how I look at it. I hope and pray that my next relationship is with my W. Either way I will be ok. This process will allow me to become a better, stronger and more confident person. My W walked away and I should be thankful for the fact that it’s allowed me to start working on my improvements. (Maybe that’s why other’s on this board say that I’ve been given a gift) Who knows if she’s going to be the one that reaps the rewards of the new me.
This weekend my mother and I will be scattering my father’s ashes on the one year anniversary of his passing. It’s ok though, I am fine and I know my father is just fine, he’s at peace. I love you Dad!
One of the biggest things that I still struggle with is getting my mind off my sitch, it just seems to consume me. Weather I stay busy or not, I just can’t shake it. I am bringing this point up because I know it’s not healthy and I really want to find some ways to change my focus.
Oh hell, where do I start. Ahhhh, I know. I want to first thank you very much for your time and input, I really appreciate it. I don’t know if I can address all your questions in one post so feel free to ask again. As it stands, I am already pretty good at posting novels
you are welcome. I too am good at novel writing! No worries.
Originally Posted By: roughenough
You asked me about my shortcomings in the M. Below is a paragraph from an email I received from W the other day. Her entire email is on page 12 of my thread. I think this will address part of your question.
“I don't want you to be miserable- I don't want that for any of us!!! Our kids deserve the very best parents that we can give them. I just know that unless you can be the family's financial rock and backbone every day, week, month and year from now until forever, that I can't return to what we had"
Well there ya go. She realized that the fairly tale that all you need is love doesn't exist. Security is a big thing for women. Not just financial, but also emotional security. The big thing is that they need to know that they are safe with their man.
You obviously have made her feel that there is no security financially in her M to you.
Can you tell us what caused that specifically?
Originally Posted By: roughenough
You also made a comment about doing what works. Ok, I know being financially stable is important. Another thing that could really change is my W wants me to do more “acts of service” ...I think my small act of asking her if she wanted anything at the store struck a chord with her. Maybe it’s a “act of service” or maybe I was just being nice and it made her feel guilty, what do you think? That’s a tough one for me to identify.
We shouldn't try to mind read Rough. But...
Any sign of emotion means that there is a heartbeat. I always knew that I had a chance to save my M as long as my W was emotional about it. I didn't matter if it was sadness, happiness (which was rare for a very long time), or anger.
We know that we are in trouble when the WAS becomes emotionless about the topic of their M. Apathetic.
So even though we don't know why your W teared up, personally, I would mark that down in my journal as one very, very, tiny positive step.
Originally Posted By: roughenough
Try and identify more acts of service (they are hard to find though) I can’t just go over to her apartment and start cleaning it up for her.
No you can't. All you can do is take advantage of the very brief encounters that you do have for your W. And for god's sakes, don't make it too obvious. Remember, whatever you are doing now has to be real. If she comes back to you, this has to be stuff that you are willing, and want, to do for the rest of your life.
Don't clean her apartment unless that's what you want to be doing for the rest of your life.
Keep it simple.
ONe of my W's top 2 Love Languages is also acts of service. One thing that I did during my S, when W and I were on good terms, was surprise her with her favorite coffee drink at work every couple of weeks.
But, I would only do it when I was in the area of the school that she works at, or if it was on my way to somewhere esle that I was going.
There is a difference between doing acts of service, showing W that she is in your thoughts, and that you want to make her life easier and happier... AND... Kissing her a$s.
I think that the latter is pretty transparent.
Originally Posted By: roughenough
I would love to get her laughing. I don’t even know how to start with this one. Doing a kids drop off and then busting out a joke just doesn’t seem right. It would take a good amount of brainstorming.
Along the same lines, make sure things aren’t serious. I always smile when I am around her but I have a “somewhat all business mindset” when I have interactions with her, so this is another really hard one.
Just be light. Take advantage of the brief encounters that you do have with her. Just exude a happiness for your life (even if you are faking it). I'm sure that an opportunity to make her smile will come up. Just use it when it does. But don't force it man. Again, very transparent.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
That’s how bad I hate it. I sometimes think to myself that I must be an anomaly to be a runner that smokes. What an oxymoron.