Needing some guidance... 5

[ces67]

Hey Jks,

Like Bug said, knowledge is power. Right now its very easy to fall into whatever direction your emotions take you. Please take some time to think through this as well and seek counsel here and elsewhere.

As far as moving away, please think about whether you are moving towards something or running away from something. Its important you understand your motives and the consequence of choices for yourself.

Use your quiet time to think through all that's going on and figure out what you want and what will help you get there. ((Jks))

[RoRoinMD]

As far as moving away, please think about whether you are moving towards something or running away from something. Its important you understand your motives and the consequence of choices for yourself.

This is so important. I'm very much the "This isn't working for me. Let me see where else I can go so I don't have to feel like this." kind of person.

jks, I think we're all just trying to say make sure you make decisions based on something other than your emotions or how you are feeling at any particular moment. I know it's hard. BELIEVE ME! But just being still and making sound decisions will serve you so much better in the long run.

[reachingHigher]

I was thinking about your sitch just now, jks. You know, if you see moving as a way to get OW out of your life it may not work that way.

When I moved 1,000 miles away from my older son's father (never having married him) I still had to sign a paper saying he could take him for X weeks a year. And it increases more each year. That means if OW is still with H....you wouldn't have the daily influence you have now. Doesn't mean it's worse or better -- just that moving doesn't solve the OW problem, possibly.

In my sitch with S18's biological father, he took him one week when he was six years old. I cried the whole week and so did S12, then a baby. I begged him never to take him again, and he didn't. But it doesn't always work out that way.

These are tough times for you. No doubt about that. I long for you to get back to that "I can do it mode" you had recently.

I've found "dance of anger" book tremendously helpful and am trying to start working on healing R within my immediate family I grew up with. Somehow that seems to be taking some pressure off me with H (only happened recently).

Just an idea. I want to help you so much!!! I've grown fond of you as a friend here on this forum and I admire and respect you. You've helped me a lot in my down times and will always be grateful for that no matter what happens!

[25yearsmlc]

RH,

OMG -yes "Dance of Anger" IS a helpful book and JKS, you may like it.

Most of what needs to be said about moving away, from a legal standpoint, has been said.

You have to see a L to know what that means, if you mean out of state OR even just out of county in some places...what are your rights and your h's?

Another good point is about the influence you'll have or lose, by being farther way when he does have the kids, is a valid one.

But I don't want to overwhelm you with too many choices...and YET...

I want you to see that you DO have choices. You are not in a corner -so don't let yourself feel that way. You do have choice and you do have control...over YOU and how these next chapters in your life, go.

Make sense?

As for the religious issues, JKS, ooohhh, honey, I so hear you. I get it.

IT's a toughie.

On one hand, I've met several women of faith who say they "pray for" their h's to see the light, and they seem like loving women. THey also seem happy and I think are modelling unconditional or Christ like love for their h's.

Don't mean to mind read but that's my take on it for some. They sometimes were the ones who changed as the wives got MORE religious and the men are stunned at their changes

(remember Jane Fonda getting into Church and then Ted Turner freaked on her as if she had "betrayed HIM"??l)

Other times it's more like your sitch and the h changes. But those changes are sometimes, temporary explorations. My son is going through one now. I had a crisis of faith right after my dad died and honestly, without going into too much wacky details, it's BECAUSE of experiences I had and dreams of my dad and "conversations" in the dreams, that my faith is stronger now.

It's as if my dad gave me more theological beliefs and faith AFTER his life was over, than during it...I once told a shrink I thought I was going nuts b/c My dad was telling me these wonderful things in my dreams, a few months after he died....

Finally the shrink said, "why can't you just look at these dreams as gifts?"

I'm still so grateful for that simple, profound question...


Sometimes they also seem like long suffering women. But I might be wrong.

I also know a born again Christian friend of mine, wh knowingly married an agnostic and they really respect each other and she admires how honorable he is and he loves her and her faith and even though I'm not sure how they do it, they DO love each other and their marriage seems to work.

But it's not for everyone.

Bottom line is, you don't have to decide anything by close of business AND you can still work on YOU & Your stuff,

AND

you need to see a L --knowledge IS power ---and don't forget, the moving, the filing for div, or the not filing, and or saying "X" but not saying "Y",

all don't add up to much.

You'll still not be with the man you love and filing/not filing, won't fix that. TIME will heal you and where the head goes, the heart will follow, in time.

So keep your head on straight and meet those new Peeps...hey, JKS

what's up with the "Joining sumthin' sumthin'" plan?

Just one week left and if you don't sign up for something hmmm....

I may take matters into my own hands, go out there and get you into some....some Olympic sport...like badminton or, no wait... "Winter Curling!"...now....(yes folks, it's a "sport" and I played it when I lived in Alaska b/c I was desparate--HAD to GAL)

JKS, you do what you gotta do... do you see how much easier GAL is (wherever YOU live!!!) than in Alaska.


Oh here's another GAL sport for you, how about Women's Wrestling OR Women's Boxing" (channel that anger AND get in shape!!!)

...your "Made in the USA" uniforms could all say "LBS" and the opponent's could say "OW Loser..."

[jks]

When I say things will look different down the road, I'm not saying he will have changed his mind and come home. Or that you won't want to end the marriage.

I'm saying YOU will have changed.

But keep working on you. Moving won't make you happier, changing jobs won't make you happier, more family around you might not make you happier. That can only come from inside you.

Have you ever thought of volunteering? With your skills maybe you could do photos for people who would never be able to afford something like that. Just a thought.

I agree with this 100% and I get where you're coming from. It took me all day yesterday to really ponder this and I know that I need to keep my focus here. I know you must be so frustrated with me, Labug, because of how all over the place I am. Believe me, I am just as frustrated.

And, yes, I have contemplated a way to do some photography work actually for nursing homes. I know a lot of the older people there probably don't have a great picture of themselves as they are right now and I would love to be able to go there and do that for them. I was trying to set this up with one of my photographer friends. Things just keep coming up every week. But I will be making this happen in the near future.

25, I'm going to spend time today researching a sport's team I can join. Volleyball is the first thing that comes to mind. We'll see. I loved your post, too, btw. It made me laugh.

[jks]

I was thinking about your sitch just now, jks. You know, if you see moving as a way to get OW out of your life it may not work that way.

If it does take me away from having to hear about her on a weekly basis... it is enough for me. Hearing about the birthday party details that my H and children did for her just recently really put me over the edge. I have lost so much respect for this man. Filing for D doesn't bother me so much anymore. I'm looking at this as an opportunity not an end.

If I only have to hear about her once or twice a year, I can handle that. Every week right now is a bit much. I am falling out of love. How can I love someone who does this to me repeatedly? I really don't think I can look at him right now and say "I love you." I loved who he used to be but he doesn't want to be that person anymore. And I have no right to want to change him or make him be something that he truly feels he is not.

I would have loved the opportunity to have been able to recognize faults from both sides and worked harder within our R to make it work for both of us. And a lot of what DB'ing is about is being willing to do the work ALONE to pull your M back together. I'm losing that will to do it alone anymore.

Just being honest today. And I know I'll get more 2x4's from everyone. I'm just so turned off by all of this behavior from H and his family that I don't have a desire to fight for it anymore.

But I do see the importance of GAL. I have felt the difference in me when I'm out there doing these things. And I feel like I can still get a D and still GAL. That would most definitely still continue. It more and more is starting to feel like this is my direction. I think about it always. I don't want to make any sudden decisions but, honestly, is this sudden? I mean, how long have I been feeling this way? Quite a while.

I will continue to educate myself of the consequences and the rights I have legally to be able to move with my children. It's going to be difficult... I know this. But my life is already insanely difficult. And even if H and I chose to get back together it would be insanely difficult. There's no easy way... I get this.

[2thepoint]

I would have loved the opportunity to have been able to recognize faults from both sides and worked harder within our R to make it work for both of us. And a lot of what DB'ing is about is being willing to do the work ALONE to pull your M back together. I'm losing that will to do it alone anymore.

But I do see the importance of GAL. I have felt the difference in me when I'm out there doing these things.

JKS - do you not see the connection between "doing the work" and "GAL"? A lot of the work you do can be accomplished by your GAL activities. Finding yourself and your happiness is all part of the "work". Making yourself attractive to the rest of the world is part of the "work". Healing from the pain and learning from it is all part of the "work".

I posted this on my thread the other day and want to re-post it on yours because I think it is so key to getting on with things and regaining your own sense of value. The pastor in my church covered this during last Sunday's service:

Discern the lie
- About your worth
- About your failures
- About your purpose

Trust the truth
- About your worth
- About your failures
- About your purpose

See if you can wrap your mind around this and find your "truth".

(((JKS)))

[labug]

I'm not disappointed in you. This is a process, you work through it at your pace, I see value in leaving no stone unturned if that's what you need to do.

It's often when it gets really tough that the greatest strides are made.

Dbing isn't really about the relationship, it's about you.

[labug]

And just to go back to the disappointment, you're an adult, I'm an adult-I take no responsibility for your choices, I have no standing to be disappointed in them.

I'm sorry that you're hurting but not disappointed in your choices.

Are you disappointed in yourself?

[jks]

Not disappointed. Just frustrated. I felt like I was so sure before that all I wanted was to keep my family together and now I have no idea if that's really the best thing for us anymore. I had a clear sense of purpose.

Just trying to figure that out again now. What do I want?? I don't know anymore.