Just catching up, I can see what you are getting at by being more enthusiastic and appreciative of her hobby (dancing) and being more loving.
But I've been doing that for months since the bomb and all that I got out of it was being walked over.
I don't want to be enthusiastic anymore about her still being in contact with the OM, even if they are just dancing. It makes me feel uncomfortable, disrespected and validates my lack of trust in my wife.
I don't want to go back to being that doormat in this cycle.
I'm going to focus on my course, spend as much time with the kids and get paperwork prepared.
My W hasn't made a single concession in the things that would bring me closer to her, whilst I've gone through all this.
I'm focusing totally on me and the kids now.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
ok Bill, it sounds like you have made a decision then. You will then be the WAS, and that will be very interesting for you to experience.
Start to detach from now - emotionally withdraw - and whatever you do - do not ML with her. You must be strong in this, and stand your ground. Give her affection only when she begins to change her tune. Then, when Sept comes you do what you need to do.
My W's continuing to dance with the OM has slowly wore away my desire to work things out and has filled me with lots of resentment towards her.
When I was having my IC sessions I remember how significant to me her words were when she said she was going back to dancing & with her parter (OM), 'I'm going back to dancing & I'm dancing with him & I don't care what you think'.
I've tried to shut it out and pretend that it's ok & that I just need to ride this out & be patient & it didn't work.
I'm at a place now where I can recognise what I can't accept and realise that only I can change things for me.
There's no point in making life difficult for my W or anyone else, I know how I feel and I also know the right way to behave & how to treat people with respect.
I don't think I'm ready to say that I'm done yet, because I'll never be done with my W.
We have 2 great kids that are going to need 2 strong parents, working together as mum and dad and as friends.
Just like I was in a fog in my own sitch before the bomb - it was an action that resulted in a reaction.
I'm not going to be tied to any expectations of my W's reactions either way - I know what I need in terms of concessions and commitment from my W for me to be convinced that she is commited to try & work things out and they aren't going to change.
I've been looking into filing & not that I thought it would be simple, but it's going to take some time & money to sort that out.
I might try & see if I can get some legal advice on that score on how to move forward & have all the paperwork in place.
The only 2 grounds I could apply under would be
1. Adultery
or
2. Unreasonable Behaviour
I don't suppose there's anyone on here who's gone through the process or been close to someone who has in the UK who could give us some advice is there?
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
"she wouldn't change partners and kept saying that people would think it was strange that they didn't dance together, plus the teacher is really good friends with the OM outside of the dancing, so it would be awkward to explain for her."
All these are just lame excuses. So bottomline is that she doesn't want to change even though it makes you extremely uncomfortable. I would suggest telling her that she can find another dance partner in the same level because as her H you should be the first to be comfortable with it. If not, then you push forward with letting her go.
It is lame excuses. I've personally cheated in the past when I was much younger. The relationship that brought me to db-land I was done with those ways, and I got cheated on.
What I wanted to point out is my mindset before and after.
Before: I don't want to be in this place, this bad position with this other lady because my wife might get angry.
Today: I don't want to be in this place, this bad position with this other lady because I don't want to, I don't want it and it's disrespectful to my relationship. Also I do not want someone the ability to have me CHEAT on my relationship partner, I don't want them to have that feeling. I do not want to hurt my partner in that way.
Ok Chatter, it's not about the W, it's about Bill at this point.
The most important thing is that you, Bill, feel raedy and able to go through this next stage of the process and to be as self-focussed as possible. I think the most important thing is to work through that resentment from now. Even if the D does happen, that might continue to linger and you definitely do not want that.
I have a friend who has been divorced for 5 years now and her resentment has just made her blind (in a figurative sense) and bitter. As a woman, she will internalise, but as a man you it could manifest more externally. So, work to free yourself of the resentment.
My guess is that she is going to come running back. You guys don't exhibit the classic hatred that usually accompanies divorce, so I think there is still some chance here...but it will be on your terms, or ideally - with MUTUAL terms.
I think that's the aim here actually - MUTUAL respect.
About the UK, yes it's a fault-finding system (I've since learned as I conducted my just in case research), and ideally the reason will not go contested. Most solicitors will advise their clients not to contest the fault (ie Adultery or Unreasonable Behaviour).
For adultery - you would need to provide proof. In this case, her own admission would be acceptable.
Where things start getting heated is around custody and finance - which is why solicitors will advise clients to not contest the reason as it's a waste of time and money.
