Hi, all of you

[Denver_2010]

it made me believe that I was a great husband and a great dad because I was providing for all economic needs for my family.
...but I did not pay attention to what my wife was telling all these last years.
He wanted her husband back, and all I saw was nagging, pressuring and dissapointment.

This sounds very, very familiar. I can relate because it is exactly what I did and went through. I think that many of the men here on this board felt that they were being good H's by simply providing, financially, for their families. It is not enough. Your W needs security, but it is not just financial security that she needs. she also needs to have emotional security. she needs to know that she is the only woman in the world to you. She needs to have security that you love her and that you always will. She needs to know that you are a safe place for her to share her life experiences, her emotions, her fears, hopes and dreams. In general, women need to talk about these things whereas men usually don't. Your W needs you to just listen... not fix or solve everything... just listen to her. Stop looking at your W from your perspective of what is needed for a good R/M. Look at what she needs.

I was so sure she would never leave me,

Me too. Guess we were wrong.

We have been intimate in 3 occassions since the separation,

Stop. I think whoever said that she is using this as a way to hold onto you is right (either Starsky or Bond I believe).

It also prevents you from detaching.

A healthy boundary for you to set for yourself is that she cannot have you while there is an OM in the picture.

I'm not sure that you are ready to actually communicate this to her, because I don't know that you are strong enough to enforce it. But you can work on it in your own head and follow it when making decisions for yourself.

I try not to talk about us or a reconciliation, but she is the one who brings that up a lot everytime we see each other. She tells me she "needs to fix this situation" because she can not live like this. She constantly tells me that she is scared if she comes back, I will go back to my old ways.

Listen, validate, listen, validate... repeat. Read my first paragraph again. She needs to know that you are a safe place for her to share her inner most feelings.

When she tells me that I sometimes do try to make her see that it will be the best decision for all of us.

Listen, validate... repeat. STOP trying to fix this with words. Not going to happen. It is pressure and pursuit. Two no nos of DB. If she is going to 'turn', it is going to be because she figures out what SHE wants on her own. Give her the space and the time to do that. You're not going to persuade her by telling her that she wins the lottery by coming back to you. She either loves you, or she doesn't... she will either miss you and decide she wants to be with you, or she won't. It is out of your control.

I have two boys, a 17 year old, who has been more affected than any of us and a 13 year old who has been affected but do not really understands what is going on. I need to say, they are no my biological kids, but I have been with them for 10 years, and any body who says they are not my kids is wrong. I would do anything for them.

I also have a step child. I think that this situation creates a unique problem. My advice? Continue to love your step children as you always have... stay in their lives ... spend time with them when you can.

As for your W? Like I said, I set the boundary pretty early on that I would not be a part of my W's life as long as OM was. I think that I stuck to that. My problem was that she would stop talking to him and seeing him, but then ultimately start it up again. This cause multiple period where W and I would be together (trying to work things out), followed by periods of us not talking or seeing each other while she was dating OM. Within a few weeks, she would be calling or texting me telling me that she loved and missed me. The pattern would just repeat itself. My point? Until things with the OM truly play out and her feeling for him are resolved, you have no chance at reconciliation. So you may as well sit back, GAL as much as possible, find some peace in your life, and endure the ride.

In the meantime, work on you and becoming the man that you want to be.

Denver