Originally Posted By: roughenough


The LBS MUST MOVE ON AND COME TO TERMS THAT IT’S OVER AND ACCEPT IT. MAYBE NOT CARE ABOUT THE OUTCOME ANYMORE. MAYBE THE LBS IS FED UP, DONE, JUST FINISHED. IN FACT THIS IS WHATS NEEDED TO “MAYBE GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO WORK TOWARDS RECONSILIATION”.


Hi Rough. I don't know if this ^^ is always true, but I've read enough stories on this site to know that it true much of the time.

What your friend said about the cards being stacked against you? I can't lie. They are. I came to this site in December of 2010. Myself and a few other members that joined around the same time formed a group, BITS (Brothers in the Sh*t). Of that group of about 15-20 members, only three of us are really left standing. The others are all divorced or on course to be very soon.

I say this, because I don't think that anyone should be given false hope that what you learn from all of the books, or here on this website, is going to be a magic elixir that is going to save your M.

With that being said, there IS hope.

I think that we all come here to save our M's. Hell, most of us probably googled "W/H left me, how to save marriage" and divorcebusting.com came up. That's how we got here.

BUT, most, if not everyone that I have encountered here has learned that the stuff that we learn goes beyond saving our M. At some point, we realize that we are saving ourselves in our attempt to save our M. 6,9,12 months into it, we realize all that we have learned, how much we have grown, and how we have improved our chances of success in our next R, whether or not it is with our spouse or not.

This was/is certainly true for me.

However, at the same time, I always refused to accept that it was MORE about becoming a better person than about saving my M. My goal was always to reconcile with my W. I never let go of that. Never. I refused to quit no matter how dire things became. No matter how much pain the situation put me through.

A question that I was asked early on was "would you walk through the gates of hell for your wife?" The question is a good one, because that is what you will have to do to get her back.

It will take everything that you have... All of your emotional fuel. You will have to endure rejection, criticism, and pain. You will have to learn the essence of 'unconditional love'. You will have to learn to balance being loving and supportive with being strong and NOT being a doormat.

Don't let anyone fool you, NO ONE here did this perfectly from the beginning. We ALL learned as we went through the process, and we ALL made mistakes. I certainly did. While we can give you advice based upon our experience and our interpretation of what you tell us about your situation, you have to learn to apply DB to your unique circumstances. What that means, to me, is that you take the advice that you are given and you apply what you think will work, and you throw out what you think will not work.

Number 1 rule of DB... DO WHAT WORKS... bottom line.

I think that you are doing very well so far. I have not read your entire thread, so I apologize if you've answered the following questions, or if the following points have already been addressed, in previous posts:

1) What is the story of you and your W? How did you meet? How were things between you early in the R? When and why did things go south? What was YOUR role in this??

2) You've mentioned that things were strained the past couple of years... have you asked yourself why you still want your M and why you still want to be with your W? It is a question that you should spend some time thinking about.

3) You've mentioned the possibility of an OM. Do you have any actual evidence of it? Have you thought to just ask your W? There is absolutely nothing wrong with open and honest communication at any point in this process... IMO. If you do decide to ask her, make sure to be ready for ANY answer, and be ready to act 'as if'.

4) Don't date yourself. It's a crutch. Work on YOU. Learn to be okay by yourself. And don't cross the boundaries of your M vows... even if your W has or does. I made the mistake of doing this during my sitch when I was very low emotionally. I very quickly regretted it and still do. Walk the high road and always be the man that you aspire to be... it will be hard at times, especially if there is an OM with your W.

5) What 180s have you been working on? I saw some posts about financial stuff. But what about what goes on in your head. Again I ask what your role was in the breakdown of your M? What caused that? How do you kill it? You will have to look deep inside yourself and most likely face some personal demons. I did, and I think most people here who really work at this did. When you hear that the changes have to be real... that is what is meant. If you were controlling in the M or in your life, you can't just stop being controlling... you have to look at what that means, why you were that way, and what you can do to change your thinking so that you are not like that in the future. I'm not saying that you were controlling, just using it as an example.

Enough for now Rough. I just thought that I would give you some thoughts from my perspective.

Denver


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce