Not Sure What I am Dealing With

[KyJoe]

I have visited on and off this site for years, my wife and I have a long history of marriage issues.... no affairs, we just cannot get along.

She says she is not heard and that I do not provide a safe place for her to express herself, I see her just trying to create a great deal of distance.

I will keep this short since I am sure I am still being moderated, but today she has been in the guest bedroom for a few weeks abd the distance grows daily. I have tried discussing it with her, but there never seems to be a breakthru.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

Get the DR book and read it.

Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

[KyJoe]

Thank you Cadet.

I have been searching for a post similiar to mine, most seem like they are already seperated, divorcing or dealing with an affair. I think I am pre all of these, buy am realistic enough to know that I may be wrong about the affair part.

[KyJoe]

I have been busy working on GAL and detachment. I am going to more work and social functions than I used to, am trying to get a couple of buddies to start doing something a few nights per month, am recommitting to my workout regiment

I am trying very carefully to straddle the point of healthy detachment and going dark, It is not time to go dark yet, she is still in the house and she has not mentioned divorce lately (a few years ago she told me she was leaving, I used the DB techniques to turn that around).

Her complaints: Does not feel heard and does not feel safe to bring up her feelings. She is right about that, I tend to listen for a little while, then I call BS on the parts I do not agree with especially when it involves what kind of a person she believes me to be. I am working toward learning how to fog so I can stay in the conversation without making either of us angry. I am not very good at it yet, it tends to sound a little sarcastic.

Oh yeah, she feels I am responsible for all of our marital problems.

[KyJoe]

One last thing, she has lately resorted to not answering any questions with a direct response. Usually she answers with a question or launchs into a long explanation that goes into circles without answering the original question.

[KyJoe]

I have, however, had some recent success with managing my expectations.... I have found that not being attached to the outcomes of our interactions has greatly reduced my stress levels.

[KyJoe]

Last night was pretty odd, we have been kind of staying clear of each other the past few days.... not sure why she has been but I am hoping the raw feelings will settle.

She has been asking me to go to individual counseling for a while now. I have not gone recently (it has been a year ago since I went regularly) because the last visit I had the C seemed to think I was doing pretty well.

I had an opportunity to possibly attend some IC at a reduced price through a work policy so I thought, why not?

I told w about it last night and she became very agitated, questioning "why now and not before" and this statement struck me as odd..."why couldn't you have done that a year ago?" .... like it was too late. I may be reading into that a little much. Guess time will tell.

[Cadet]

Well she seems to be asking for space.

I know lots of sichs that are very similar to this when the husband or wife live in the basement.

So this is not unusual.

Advina is one that come immediately to mind for me.
Also an old poster on the MLC board Trusting Faithfully, her husband is still in the basement 3 1/2 years later.

Good for you about going to IC but stop trying to FIX your wife.
She is projecting herself onto you.
You did not break her and you can not FIX her.


Continue to make your changes for YOU not to win back your wife!

Yes you are still on moderation, keep posting here so you can get off of it.

[Breakdown]

I told w about it last night and she became very agitated, questioning "why now and not before" and this statement struck me as odd..."why couldn't you have done that a year ago?" .... like it was too late. I may be reading into that a little much. Guess time will tell.

Sounds normal to me honestly.

Sounds like you are having a hard time communicating with each other. Listening is not as easy as you'd think. And you cannot argue with feelings...they just are. You can't explain them away, or say they shouldn't have them or whatever...they just are.

I don't want to sound like a broken record here, because I do recommend this a lot, but you might consider the retrovaille program if you're wife will participate and there's one close. There is an awful lot of work on communication and discussion of feelings. My wife hasn't completely bought into it, but the dialoguing technique has been a great vehicle to discuss each other's feelings and develop a better understanding of each other. I highly recommend it....but it does really work best if both partners are open to it and willing to do some work. And believe me, it is work.

[KyJoe]

Cadet - Yes to all.

I am committed to fixing me and I came to the realization that I cannot win her back, she has to decide that for herself. I can only be the best me I can be.