Hi, all of you

[ericmsant2]

AA

1) read my thread…all of them (it’s ugly)
2) post all of the things about yourself that you do not like and want to change
3) post all of the things about yourself that you DO like
4) post some of the thing that you want to do for YOU (and only YOU).

Where do you stand with the homework?

We are not married since when I met her she was separated from her H

Is she still married? It seems like she still is and the both of you having been living together for 10 years. What or why has she not filed for a divorce?

The youngest is 13 and does not know how to react.

She is NOT going to know how to react – she is 13. That said, YOUR actions during this process WILL have an impact. What do I mean by this? Right now you and your family are in a crisis, how you deal with it will be what she learns.
The background on your wife was helpful but I would like to know more about YOU.. why were you so angry, why did you yell and scream? Why or what made you not listen to her? Why the need to stay in a more expensive house?

The day I moved out I begged her to not let me go, but I finally picked up my self and moved out.

Begging as you know is NOT good. The question though is why did YOU beg?

but I am getting more and more confused with her behavior.

Maybe if you stop looking at HER behavior and spent more time looking at your you might be less confused. Just sayin…

As I have stated, on the previous posts. We have been intimate on several occations and that makes it very difficult for me to detach.

Do you want to detach?

Brings the hopes back

Hope brother…..is always alive and kicking….it lives in us IF we CHOOSE to allow it.

but also made me realize it is a weapon to get W back with actions besided doing it for my self. I guess I am doing it for both reasons. What do you think?

Since you asked what I think, I’ll answer…. I think you are doing this ONLY to get her BACK. That said, most people start this way.

I am not comfortable with her sleeping with someone else, but at the same time I feel like I am paying this guy with the same token.

Hmmm…your not comfortable yet you allow it. Why? That answer is for you buddy. SO you think you are paying this guy back huh.. Let me get this straight (and this is blunt)….someone else is banging your old lady and you think you are paying HIM back? Really. If that is the case, do you have car payment? If you do I hope it is a nice car, I’d like to drive it on the days that you don’t yet I don’t want to pay for it. Is that okay with you? If so, why?

Right now there is too many emotions going on, and I need to get a grasp of my self. Any advice how?

The key words up there ^^^ are “I” and “myself” – notice they do not involve anyone else but you. As for advice, it is quite simple…..DETACH from her and FOCUS on yourself. Stop spending every waking moment thinking about her and what she is doing and start asking yourself what you want in YOUR life.

she meant that she needed to make a decision if she wanted to get back in the relationship and start working together. What do you make of this?

“SHE”….so she is the one that decides huh? Here is what I think…..YOU DECIDE buddy not her. YOU and only YOU say when this is over. Not her. It’s gonna take some time to get there but you will get there. You will come to realize that although you probably feel like you have not control over this, the reality is that YOU DO. YOU have all the control over YOU. Always have and always will.

I want to believe that she is struggling with her self too, and does not want to detach completely

I believe in the tooth fairy and I don’t give a rats ass if anyone agrees because MY CHOICE to BELIEVE is not DEPENDANT on someone ELSE. You may be right, she may not want to detach. Why should she? Right now, she calls the shots, right now, you pay for everything, right now you would offer her your left nut if she would stay, right now you want HER back, right now she doesn’t have to worry about anything. So let me ask you a question….what happens when she says to you okay give me your left nut – will you?

Now, she is the one who brings the conversation of fixing this situation, or that she is really scared of coming back. Everytime we see each other, she tells me she is afraid of coming back. What should I think of it? Is she really scared? or just making excuses?

I keep beating my head against this computer screen but for the life of me I can’t see what is in her head. LOL. MY point is that it is pointless to try and figure how what she is thinking or feeling. What is more important is what YOU feel.

She is still seen OM, but she is trying to make me believe she doesn't.

Have you ever lied before when you did something you weren’t suppose too? I have.

Now, W has made it very clear to OM that the house is not a place for him. At least on that aspect I am ok, or what do you think?

WOW that is really nice of her to let OM come into the house that YOU pay for. Really nice of her. What do I think? That doesn’t matter, what matters is what you think but since you asked…….. I think that for NOW what you need to do is DETACH from her and spend all of your energy on YOU and focusing on what and how you want to live YOUR life.

The reason I know this is because my 13 yrs old kid does not know about OM, and the 17 yrs old does not knows him.
I need to say that W is spending most nights out the house.

ONE RULE that SHOULD NEVER be BROKEN – KEEP the kids out of it. As for her spending nights out of the house, who watches your D13? Oh…and are you snooping to see where she is sleeping?

She did not want me to help her financially, but I insisted that because we were not longer together it did not mean that the kids stopped being my kids and that it was going to be my way of helping her, without me giving her money directly.

Were you irresponsible in the past specific to finances? Oh…and if she does not want your help financially why not listen to her? Why not respect her wishes. Maybe one way to do this is for YOU to move back into the house and help her find her own place to live. Hell, the kids could even live with YOU.

I told W that she could count on me for everything

WHY this is SOOO nice of you. F* I want marry you.

she even told me that she was going to give her truck back to me

Hey what kind of truck is it? I need a new ride man. LOL, seriously, why not respect her wishes, why not take the truck back. Maybe the OM will buy her a new vehicle for her.

Again I told her that it was not necessary, that everything we build was hers, and that she should not feel that she is taking advantage of me because we both build our home.

WOW man you are really NICE GUY. You mean you want to give her EVERYTHING. Damn that OM is gonna have it really easy…car, house, everything already for him. Really nice. Ummm….one question, what do you have in terms of housing, car, furniture, room for the kids, furniture for the kids, man toys, etc.?

but her mood changed right away and started to complain about me GALing, and that is was not fair.

I’m not sure I agree with her on this point. I mean, an affair vs. you trying to enjoy your life while you deal with this crap – seems pretty fair to me. What about you, do you think it is fair?

I told her, ok, please let me know what can I do to make things better, she answer "nothing, it is to late

Do you think you can FIX HER or YOURSELF? And 2…it’s never too late!
Oh and I will close with this…..Starsky is giving you some really good advice – it is up to YOU if you want to take it.

I will leave you with this.......

Right now buddy you have a chance at something wonderful, right now you can take full control over you life, change the chit that you do not like about yourself. You can determihne what you want and how you want to live your life....this gift is yours if YOU choose it.

God Bless,
Eric