Newbie and ready for hard work

[dj21]

Thinking back, there have been very obvious warnings. H complained that we never did anything, and that all of my time was spent on other people instead of my family. I also, was, quite frankly the gate keeper of the family funds. As the stay at home mom, it couldn't have been a great feeling for my H to "ask" to spend money. He was right, I have had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I neglected him emotionally. I hate to admit this, but I know I did it sometimes out of anger with him. If he wasn't doing things my way...well, basically I behaved like a brat. I was very focused on what I wasn't getting from him, and therefore anything positive from him was shrugged off. Just 2 weeks before the bomb, he woke up and stated " you snuggled up to me in the middle of the night"...he was shocked. Since my focus on DB'ing began July 1, I have forced myself to deliver our children to the OW's home where he lives, up to this point I refused and had family members do it. I was completely friendly, eye contact, and actually felt immediate results. Both face to face drop offs lasted 10 minutes, with the kids no where around. This hasn't happened for months. In fact, I have thought long and hard about my behaviors and noticed that over the last 8 months, I have created some good moments between us, one in March where he told me that no matter what he said he will always love me. But, gulp...although I achieve the good moment, I am terrified that the good reaction from H means that he is happy I have accepted the situation. So, I create a negative to remind him I am still hurt...then his response is to pull away. Arg, a bad cycle I have created. It feels great for a second to be negative, but then I start all over again. So, DB'ing in the last few weeks leaves me feeling less stressed, all communication has been positive, so therefore continue DB'ing.