My wife filed for separation a year ago after being more unhappy than I wanted to see for a long time. My D was supposed to be final today, but she agreed to a delay without any promises. I know she doesn't trust me right now. I want this M to work.
It would be much easier if you just stick with one thread. Make this your main thread so that people can follow and comment. It isn't necessary to change the subject every time there's a change in your sitch.
What did you write to her?
Based on your previous posts, it really does seem like while you want your M, you don't want to put the effort into it, or at least hadn't wanted to in the past.
Your W has actually told you what she needs and wants and yet for some reason, you don't put the effort into it. She wants physical love and affection for example. Well if you're not interested in giving it to her, then another guy will. If you want your M to survive, you better learn how to get your mojo back.
She told you that she feels invisible. You said you tried complimenting her and then stopped over time. That's just plain being lazy. If you don't want her to leave, compliment her. Tell her how much brighter your day seems with her in it. She wants validation that she matters. That's why she goes to the forums. She wants to know that she has worth because you have (from your lack of attention) made her feel worthless.
Have you read the 5 Love Languages? If not, read them.
In terms of the habits like complimenting her, etc. You keep that up on a regular basis and it will become a good habit where you won't even notice you putting any effort into.
If you have issues with the bedroom, go to sex therapy or read about ways to pleasure your W physically.
Your situation is so fixable it's laughable.
But detail what you wrote to her here.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
AHA! I must be off moderation because I saw a post come up after just a few minutes. I ordered DR on Amazon. And I have found some good thing to print from here.
My biggest problem will be actions and not words....and not asking her for reassurance about how I am doing because I am one who wants to know what people are thinking.
I wrote that if she was willing, I would like to take the 5 love languages and emotional needs surveys. One thing that frustrated her was that she said she had told me over and over what she needed, yet I kept asking her what I should do. I am a visual kind of person, so if I had this info right in front of me maybe I could be better at it.
I also told her about getting my testosterone tested and that it was low. She had wanted me to do that for a long time, but I had refused to do it. I have medicine now, and will stay on that. I also said I would read books on this side of our marriage. I know that I have some hangups on top of just not really thinking about or needing sex.
I want to find maybe an older man (at church perhaps)who is a strong leader to mentor me. I am a passive kind of person and have never fit the stereotype of macho. I don't want to be someone I am not, but I do know she was disappointed that I never seemed to step up and take care of things.
She told me when she agreed to postpone the hearing that it was not a promise of anything. We have been through this cycle before I know. But I don't want to lose her. She has tried hard over the years to be what I need, and I think it is my turn. I just hope it is not too late.
IT's not too late. She postponed it. So get to making your changes! Stop being passive and start grabbing the bull by the horns. She's told you what she needed - what is it?
Me& h + S M: 13 t: 14
H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my! I'm done. 12/12
"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
"she was disappointed that I never seemed to step up and take care of things."
This has nothing to do with masculinity. Your name "suggests" that you see yourself as a professor, someone who leads and teaches. THAT's what she needs.
"She has tried hard over the years to be what I need, and I think it is my turn. I just hope it is not too late."
NO! It IS your turn. You said you were lazy before. Well you have to make LIFE changes. Not just light changes to draw her back and then you going back to your same old routine. She's showing you faith. Don't lose sight of that gift.
Like I said, your M is so fixable. The only person that it relies on is you.
So what steps have you taken so far in terms of making her feel valued?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
What are the current financial situations for you and your wife? Does she work full-time? Are either of you under any financial pressure?
Was there a formal (or even informal) financial arrangement put in place as part of your separation? In what ways would that have changed for your wife had the divorce been allowed to go thru?
The day after our lunch I emailed her thanking her for listening and meeting with me.
I would like to plan an evening together. It is a challenge since she is living at her own place. There is a musical being performed at a town near us. I would like to ask her to a nice dinner and to see the show. It seems my best bet at this point is to try to "date" her again? She also usually has to work through lunch at her job. I thought about offering to bring her lunch.
I'd like to find a way to tell her that I am proud of how strong she has become, but I don't want to push too hard either.
