more turtles by my side...

[zig]

you're confused??

i thought I was the one who was supposed to be confused

sorry , confused about what?

i guess when i said "hacking through all this" - it's coming from a place where i'm recognizing now that all that explaining and describing what happened is about the focusing on what he did wrong and justifying to myself on some level - see , i'm right.

the simple fact (brutal reality) is that he has left and keeps choosing to do what he's doing and it's time for me to let it all go, and get on with my own stuff.

all kinds of [censored] happened. otoh - i'm still continually owning my part and finding new perspectives on how to change my attitude towards what and how he did things. to drop all the resentments and guilt and blame

i don't even know if i'm on the right track in all this. whether i'm still in the old role of taking it all on myself and taking all the blame for it. i don't think i am - something has shifted in me in the last few days, and for the first time, i am finding myself agreeing with you on one thing you said - mlc or no mlc - this is what he has done, and is intentionally continuing to do. i can choose to be angry and "fight " to change his mind, or i can go somewhere else and let it go.

recently he told my closest friend how he was going through an mlc. i think he did it intentionally - he knows we are very close. i think he is starting to pass that "info" around so that people will excuse his behavior. "please don't think badly of me, i'm in crisis"

well, most people who are in crisis, don't know that they are. ones who acknowledge it openly and then STILL continue and don't take any steps to help themselves - i have to wrap my mind around that somehow and i'm not quite able to right now. that's when it's time to just simply step away i think. (hmm, that must be what detachment is, grin)

i still want to continue db'ing, but it's from a different place within me - one that is getting more and more ok with the alternative.